Not sure what to do

[stu321]

Thanks.

I was thinking about sending her the link to Michelle's article "Walk Away Wife" http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

Should I ?

[stu321]

Hi all,

I need to ask a question. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage and family. I want to tell W this. Is it a good idea to do so ?

Thanks.

[bluerain]

I dont think that you should send her the link. It will just be seen as pursuing, or you trying to make her feel guilty, or wrong.

I also dont think that you should tell her that you dont want to give up. Im sure that she already knows. Or if you do tell her, only tell her once, and expect her to balk at it. But dont engage in the arguement, and dont bring it up again. You can show her that you dont want to give up by not jumping on the D bandwagon with her. Stall. You dont make any effort in the process at all. NONE. If she wants something to happen, she needs to be the one to do it, every last little tiny bit of it.

[Gardener]

Stu,

I was thinking about sending her the link to Michelle's article "Walk Away Wife" http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htmShould I ?

I vote no. I don't know your whole sitch but I believe that if you give her that, you're giving her the entire DB/DR manual. Why would you reveal your strategic plans to your "adversary" and tip them off?

I found the book The Walk Out Woman by Steve Stephens and Alice Grey to be very good. It is informative, it is written for the WAW, but suggested for LBSs, too. I gained much insight and empathy for my STBXW from it. It's a tad on the religious side, but just a tad if that's not your thing and it is loaded with statistics of how it does not work or improve things, you will still have your problems after you've left and perhaps even more, etc. And a good dose of "what if you didn't walk? What if you came back, what if you could make it better, etc.
Unfortunately my wife saw it and was offended by its very title. Tried to convince her how empathetic and hopeful it was, ah, but that title. You see my wife insisted more than once "I did not leave.", I did not walk out."

[Inaspin]

Hi stu

I am in a similar boat to you, and also had a terrible MC session last week, and blew my lid after it, so I kinda know how you feel.

I would not recommend giving the article or telling her again. I have been trying to detach for 6 weeks, but have backslid every week, and I can see now that all I have done is fuel the fire and may have blown my chances.

It will only validate her decision and push her further away from you. I know this is easier said than done, but try and focus on the fact that it will only make it worse, not matter how much you want it to help.

I know how you feel, this is a living hell, but you have got to try and focus on dealing with the reality of the now & making peace with it. If you get it right, tell me how to do it please.

Try and stay strong.

[stu321]

Thanks inaspin,

I want to tell her that I'm not giving up on her, us or our family and then walk away.

A family friend said she is a needy person, and maybe she needs to hear from me that I won't just roll over and accept it and that she wants to feel wanted. Even though I have told her what I want ( I said I want it to work, but I don't want to go back to the same old way), she may need to hear it stronger than that.

She told my parents that she wants me to open up to her. I thought I was, but maybe I wasn't clear enough. I want to make a very short and powerful statement about what I want.

Maybe I'm clutching at straws, I don't know. But the family friend said that she seemed pretty adamant, so if I said it, it couldn't do Anh more damage than what is already done.

Very confused at the moment. She wants me to be open, but I don't know if she will listen.

[stu321]

Also, I've moved out (been 6 weeks) and she plans on packing the rest of my stuff on the weekend and will bring it over to me, so I don't think I can make things worse.

[stu321]

DR still hasn't arrived yet. Been 2 weeks since I ordered it. Was supposed to be today, but it looks like early next week now.

[stu321]

Just found out from my parents that she told she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders when she told me that she wanted out.

[Lost Rabbit]

I wouldnt send her the link, DB is our secret and you dont want to let her in on the techniques. First off one of the rules is dont believe a word they say and only 50% of what they do! She knows full well that every word she tells your parents will get back to you, so in your best interests ask mum and dad not to pass on any info, they only want the best for you and that wont necessarily be whats really good for you!

All I ever used to say to my H was that "I was not prepared to give up on my marriage and would prefer to work at it" just calmy and matter of factly, not needy or pursuing just a statement. In fact I dont even have to say it now he knows lol!

Stu the worst bit about the few weeks after post bomb is you are going to hear a lot of things you really hate, you have to perfect the "water of a ducks back" technique as other wise you will sink every time she says something painful! Honestly you will think at the moment that life isnt worth living and you cant sort things out but believe me you can and will, it might not be the way you originally planned but it will be good!

Hope you copy of DB comes soon as Im sure reading that will make it clearer what we are all talking about!

Take care

Rabbit