Sounds like our sitchs are/were very similar: together 9 years, never married, me overly independent (at least that's what his perception was), lack of sex due to my lack of interest, he found a willing girl at work. Ugh.
But here's what my DB coach asked me that really struck home: what were you like when you first got together? Who was the avermont your partner fell in love with? Was she independent? If so then that's not something you should change completely. Can you show him that you need and appreciate him? Sure, but not right now. Cutterbug is absolutely right, he is deep in the affair fog and that means he is only concerned with himself.
I will share a bit of my story with you in hopes that it helps you get to a better place quicker than I did.
At first, following my DB coach's advice, I tried to be the better person and ignore the affair. It was effective in that BF was shocked that I didn't kick him out immediately as I always said I would. But it was totally the wrong thing to do for my sitch. Allowing him to cake eat eroded my self respect and dignity to the point that I was miserable and dreaded getting up every day.
When I decided I had enough and kicked him out things completely turned around. My self respect returned and I decided that I did not want to waste my time worrying about someone who was treating me that badly. I was happily living my life on my own with no contact between us other than emails regarding finances. We have no family near us and only one mutual friend who I continued to see (she works for BF). BF was living with OW. I don't know what happened with him but after about five weeks of me being completely dark with him he started making noises about "exploring whether we could work things out."
So that's my long winded way of explaining that you have two options: wait the affair out or tough love. You need to decide what feels authentic to you and be prepared to act accordingly.
My advice is to work on being the best avermont possible. Do some soul searching, figure out what improvements you need to make and what makes you happy. Because growing as a person will benefit you either in this R or the next.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
