My story begins with a twist...

[Lucky11too]

And since you are still in the DBing phase, maybe you should refrain from saying "I love you," like DBing suggests.

Obviously you know your W and situation best, but are there other ways you can show your love and give her affirmation she needs besides saying the words "I love you"? Or maybe the question is, how does she respond when you do so. You said just said she doesn't say it back. Everything is about taking steps that bring you closer to your goal, so if it does, and she appears open and appreciative of it even so, then it sounds like your case would be ok to use those fated words. On the other hand, if it is causing her to draw back, then maybe you should considering holding back and finding other ways to show your love for a while longer. Just a thought...

[TrentC]

Obviously you know your W and situation best, but are there other ways you can show your love and give her affirmation she needs besides saying the words "I love you"? Or maybe the question is, how does she respond when you do so.

She says "I know". It's become a little dance; sometimes she says "thank you", and one time she actually said "I love you" back. It doesn't seem to be making things worse, so I'm going to keep doing it.

I think I answered this earlier, but she is definitely a person who needs words of affirmation; I've known this throughout my marriage, and it's something I've had to learn to do for her. Until recently, I was wrapped up in my own fog and not telling her how I feel. So that is one of my 180's.

[Kettricken]

I think it can make a great deal of difference HOW you say, "I love you." There is a way to say it where you say it kind of sing-song and then look at your spouse with puppydog eyes (no offense, choc), waiting to hear it back. It is questionable in the ear of the listener whether you said it to express an honest emotion, or merely to hear it said back. IOW, pressure .... THAT is the kind of "I love you" that I think *everyone*, but especially people with WASs, should avoid.

OTOH, if you say it as a sincere expression of emotion, with confidence and light-heartedly, and then immediately move on, making it clear you aren't angling for a response-in-kind .... then it can be a positive (depending on the sitch). Sounds like that's what Trent is doing and experiencing.

[Gardener]

Trent,
Asking friends to read the outrageous turn of events on my sitch tonight and tell me if i'm crazy or what (don't think I am.)
Thx

[TrentC]

Done, Gardener. Other than one point which I expressed in my post, I feel sorry that your STBXW is hell-bent on destroying your entire family, not just your M.

As for me, not a lot to report. Still keeping on day-by-day; she did say "I love you" last night in response to me going out grocery shopping. I didn't say anything about it, but it definitely went on the mental pile of positive steps.

I'm curious to see if she asks to return to the master bedroom this weekend, as she implied she might earlier. Trying not to be hopeful, but definitely curious.

I may take a break from the site for a few days; I tend to read here at work a lot, but I have a couple of projects I need to knuckle down and get to work on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, get t' work, ya slacker!!!

Puppy

[Lll54]

Have a good few days off. Take care of yourself

[Super Girl]

We'll miss you.

[Gardener]

Yeah, take some time off. I have from time to time. We need to do other things and besides, this much commiserating, hoping and helping on this forum drains ya, sometimes, let's face it.

See ya soon.

[TrentC]

Had a little bit of an R talk tonight.

1) She says that she feels like a switch flipped in her head; she feels like her sex drive is completely absent right now. I suggested that she might need to talk to someone -- we could start with an MC.

2) She says that we deserve to be with someone that we're crazy about. I agreed and told her that wasn't a problem with me.

3) She won't say "I love you" right now because she doesn't mean it the same way I do. I told her that I understood that and it was fine with me.

4) She's flipped through my copy of His Needs Her Needs but feels like the advice isn't helpful because much of it was stuff she had tried before but it wasn't working. She also looked at my copy of The Love Dare but didn't have much of an opinion on it yet. I told her I stopped working on it when the surgery happened -- I didn't mention that I didn't pick it up again yet because of the DB'ing.

5) I told her that we needed to see an MC together; he or she would give us tools to work things out. I told her I could wait until she was back to work full-time, or even after the holidays. She seemed willing to do it but not ready to commit to anything.