For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Hi,
Thank you for your posts bluerain & gardener, I appreciate your input. I'm not trying to avoid the questions you asked, I just have something MAJOR on my mind so that's what I'm going to post about tonight.

I've been MIA bc my of crazy work week. Anyway, here goes...

First about the check he cashed and the snooping he did:
On Tuesday night, I asked him if he cashed the check and he said yes. He acted like it was no big deal - in fact, he mentioned something about him doing it a long time ago (it was late Sept. when he cashed it - uh, not that long ago). He was totally casual and non-apologetic, no surprise there. It was his nonchalant attitude that really pi$$ed me off. And then he tried turning it on me and called me out for holding onto the check since June. That's when I informed him that at least I had integrity and just held onto the check (okay, okay...so much for my integrity since I REALLY wanted to cash it and go shopping for ME - but he doesn't need to know that). I told him that I knew he would blow it and I didn't think it was fair for him to keep it when all of my money goes for basic things - food, gas, tithing at church, fun things for DD.

Not that long ago, I was offered a full time job that was good money. A job that would have pretty much allowed me to take care of myself and DD. I was so extremely torn...I wanted the independence that job would have given me. BUT...my heart shattered into a million pieces when I thought about taking DD to a sitter for 40+ hours a week. I know that tons of kids go to sitters/daycares and they are amazing, smart, happy, well adjusted kids that are very close and connected to their parents, it's just so hard. I feel like she's only go to be little for such a short time and it goes so fast. I'm doing my best to provide a stable and secure schedule/environment for her - even though her dad has walked out. I felt like having him gone, then taking her to a sitter full time was just too much. Although, I do realize I might just be postponing the inevitable - but I'll keep her with me for as long as I absolutely can.

Anyway, H told me that if I need money all I have to do is ask. Okay, yeah, good to know. But, still annoying because I shouldn't have to "ask." Know what I mean? I feel like his teenage daughter - "Dad can I have money for gas?" "Dad I would love a new pair of jeans, can I have some money?" Ugh! Having to ask for money is just stupid. I shouldn't have to ask - I have a right to our money. Trust me if I got paid for every last thing I did around the house and all the hours I've taken care of DD without any help from him...I'd be rich. We made the decision together for me to just work part time. So frustrating.

Oh and the check discussion brought out old bitchy Courtney. When he decided to give me that nonchalant attitude, I was angry. I did make comments about all the money he blows on beer, cigs, food, his own place, etc. I know it didn't go over well with him. But, seriously I was going to explode if I didn't get it out of my system.

I also asked why he was looking through my stuff and he just casually said he didn't know, it was a long time ago and then he reminded me of how I've snooped through his stuff. Well, yeah...DUH...look at what's he done/said. Who in the heck wouldn't snoop if they were in my shoes?

Like everything else, he acts like it's not a big deal...blah..blah...BARF!

Now for the thing that has me really, really upset...

Without taking forever to tell the story, when everything started with H and I, I had this sick feeling that he was talking to someone because he kept his phone with him at ALL times - no exaggeration. He never had it out of his sight. Each time I asked about it, he got defensive. I never had access to his cell statement because his phone is through his work. Until...one day I was messing around and was able to pull up the phone records from his work. What I found shocked me! TONS and TONS of calls to/from a certain number. I tried calling it - no answer, no name on the voicemail, no nothing. The one time she picked up, I was in a state of shock and she refused to tell me her name and I didn't say who I was. When I asked H about it, he claimed that he has lots of friends that are girls that he talks to - bs! And I was so mad and devastated that he spent all that time talking to her and refused to talk to me. I was a mess, a big mess. Countless phone calls and conversations while I got no time, no effort, no words, no hope, no help from him.

So, I did what anyone else would do...I searched and searched online to find out who the hell she was. I kept getting varied info, different websites would tell me different cities, cell phone providers, etc. The number is unlisted so I had no luck - so I thought. Well I paid for a phone record report and it gave me a name, but I didn't think it was accurate because again - all the other info I had found never matched. At one point, I even called a variety of cell phone providers, gave them her number and said that her number kept coming up on our cell statement and I didn't know who it is - provider after provider (meaning Verizon, Sprint...) kept saying she wasn't their costumer. Since I never got anything to match up, I just assumed the report I paid for and the name they game me were wrong.

On Tues. night, H had been on the computer and he left his email up. I was shaking when I saw it, afraid of what I was going to see. And...there was the name...the same name the phone report gave me. In his contacts was her name. I looked through his inbox, sent and deleted messages and I all I could find were jokes that he sent to her. But...I'm crushed...so now I know for sure who he is talking to, texting and emailing and I'm beyond sick. I had stopped looking at his cell statement in order to detach, but now that I have seen her name is in his contacts, I have to do something. All along, the info was right. All along he's been talking to this OW and I just want to scream, cuss, explode.

Just seeing her name, made it much more real. And I feel smoking hot anger flowing through my blood - like lava! Maybe I was in denial before (even after seeing his cell statement). There's just something about seeing the name that makes it too much. I'm not letting this go. I didn't see any incriminating emails, but I saw her name and that I know she's the one he's been talking to all this time - for the past 15 months. What do I do??????????

Here are some options I've thought of:

1. Ask him about it. Point blank - Who is OW? My guess is he will say it's none of my business, he doesn't know "name", she's just a friend or some other bs answer or just refuse to answer the question. In that case, I could do a couple of things. I could keep cool - pick up my cell phone and put it on speaker so he could hear - call my attorney (and I do have one - I got one when he decided to take that Florida vacation) and let him hear me say that I'm officially starting the paperwork to file for a legal separation. Or I could say - that's fine, but, I'll be doing the same thing - meeting new people, talking to them - dating. And then go DARK and be SUPER MYSTERIOUS. IDK how I feel about that - but I so want to get back at him, even though I have no interest in dating someone.

2. I thought about emailing her and even copying him and just asking why she is talking to my husband, telling her what it is doing to my family. Asking her where her self respect, morals and values are and that sort of thing.

What else can I do? Give him an ultimatum that he has to start counseling or it's over? I just don't know. But, I'm not going to sit here and not bring this up.

And what the heck are the holidays going to be like now? Ugh....

My head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with this.

What do you think????