I have been finding that the combination of the following 3 thoughts helps me the most:
1) Accept the truth. The M is over. My W does not love me and does not want to try. She truly believes the best thing for her is to leave the M. I can not change this or control it. "I am already divorced, it just hasn't happened yet"
2) Don't take it personally - Have Compassion. My W does not want this. She did not choose it. She is not doing this to hurt me, or out of malice. She is doing this because to her it is the only option available. She is as sad about the end of the M as I am. She is in more pain than I am.
3) Where there is change, there is opportunity.: This is an opportunity for me to move and grow and build a better life. In the end, I will be happier than I would have been otherwise. (I have a list of things that will be better in any future R, with Mrs. Thinker or someone else)
If I haven't thanked you for sharing this yet, I do so now. Very good. As you may know, I'm already a strong proponent of this.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
So the D is on the table, you have detached pretty far away, the Holidays are coming up, and her Mom is battling cancer.
Do you really believe love is a choice? You now have the choice to love without expectation, practice true giving and make yourself stronger. This is a opportunity to thrive. You are being watched still. Handle this like a warrior. Strength and Honor.
I have been thinking about this for a few days now.
And also this:
Originally Posted By: orangedog
Take it sloooowww. It takes a long time to process these things.
Mrs. T and I are now sleeping in separate rooms, but although I gave her every opportunity to make it more comfortable, she hasn't made any moves toward making it permanent. I moved all of my stuff out of that room, but she hasn't moved any of her clothes, books, etc. The room used to be my office, and she still drops my mail in there for me, and when I was traveling 2 nights ago, she slept back in the master bedroom.
Earlier this week, when we discussed D, we talked about going to a mediator next week. She said she would make the appointment. I would push her on it, or would make it myself, but for now have decided to hold off and wait. She is going through a lot, and maybe it is just better to see what changes come from her moving out of the bedroom (at my request) and from her new IC sessions. If she schedules the Mediation session, then I am ready to go, but if she doesn't then I'll let it lie for a while.
In the mean time, I am doing my best to stay detached, stay somewhat mysterious and positive, and be supportive. She is really going through a tough period with her mom, and it looks like her mom may not live that much longer. Next week I am taking vacation from work so that I can take care of the kids full time and she can go spend 6 days with her mom. I am also trying to appreciate and accept her as she is. She is a great mom, and is still fully supporting the family. I told her last night that I really appreciated that she had cooked dinner for me and the boys even though she was going out to dinner with friends. She didn't have to do that.
Who knows where this will go. I am just going to back off and be patient for a while - do my own thing.
--- As far as this:
Originally Posted By: orangedog
You should tell the kids something...
S7 and S5 were confused when they came in in the morning and Mrs. T not in bed with me. They asked why she was sleeping in the guest room so I said "Sometimes people need more space and privacy, and Mommy and I wanted our own rooms." S7 (who shares a room with S5) answerd in an understanding tone of voice "Yeah, I know, I really want MY own room TOO!"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Within a day or two, it's now been a year since the bomb. I got a little down earlie when I realized this. I remember promising myself that the end of 2009 would be better that the end of 2008. At the time I was measuring that by the state of my M. Now, I'm not any closer to my w than I was.
I realized, however, that I AM now better. I feel better about myself. I know more about myself.I'm less argumentative and more independent. It feels good.
It's taken me a long time. Some of us are just slow learners...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
