Turns out I don't qualify for the mortgage assistance because the house in on the market. Bummer.
My Dad's birthday would have been earlier this week. I spent time with Mom over the weekend on the phone. At one point I'd felt a compelling need to be down in Florida with her for the birthday (kinda weepy in fact) but realized I couldn't afford the flight.
My sister called me on Sunday (the day before his birthday) in tears upset about her conflicted emotional entanglement with her manfriend. As she talked, she shared that she'd gone for an initial session for survivors of child abuse. All this anger for what our dad did seethed to the surface and startled her with its intensity. She started sharing things I didn't know about which left me feeling absolutely sick, bringing back those raw emotions of a helpless child and disgust and horror of an adult and mother.
I reminded myself that the forgiveness for my father was real, without strings. And the immense gift it was and still is. Yet I will never condone what he did, how his actions shredded the lives of his daughters and had a lasting tsunami ripple effect on his family. Such a conflict.. mourning his death on his birthday along with a stabbing realization of all the crap he did to my sister. I honestly thought I'd been able to protect her.. but I was oh so wrong.
Talked to my counselor about it.. that I still have a lot of stuff on my plate with the divorce, getting healthy, learning boundaries but that as time progresses we'll deal with it. I am so happy I have an incredible professional helping me through this process.
Ahhh.. but it's time to be the mama... more later.
