I'm a freebird this weekend, have kids the next. But can get a sitter if need be. If you want to get together then, can I request something up near me a bit?
Turns out I don't qualify for the mortgage assistance because the house in on the market. Bummer.
My Dad's birthday would have been earlier this week. I spent time with Mom over the weekend on the phone. At one point I'd felt a compelling need to be down in Florida with her for the birthday (kinda weepy in fact) but realized I couldn't afford the flight.
My sister called me on Sunday (the day before his birthday) in tears upset about her conflicted emotional entanglement with her manfriend. As she talked, she shared that she'd gone for an initial session for survivors of child abuse. All this anger for what our dad did seethed to the surface and startled her with its intensity. She started sharing things I didn't know about which left me feeling absolutely sick, bringing back those raw emotions of a helpless child and disgust and horror of an adult and mother.
I reminded myself that the forgiveness for my father was real, without strings. And the immense gift it was and still is. Yet I will never condone what he did, how his actions shredded the lives of his daughters and had a lasting tsunami ripple effect on his family. Such a conflict.. mourning his death on his birthday along with a stabbing realization of all the crap he did to my sister. I honestly thought I'd been able to protect her.. but I was oh so wrong.
Talked to my counselor about it.. that I still have a lot of stuff on my plate with the divorce, getting healthy, learning boundaries but that as time progresses we'll deal with it. I am so happy I have an incredible professional helping me through this process.
Ahhh.. but it's time to be the mama... more later.
It just seems like so much weight. You're a strong woman, Gypsy.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Thanks for your words, Pooch! Dropping the baggage and leaving it behind is the ultimate goal.
I spent yesterday with my 92 year old mother-in-law who lives ninety minutes away. She introduces me as her daughter-in-law and considers me a member of the family whether or not her son and I married. We had a very nice visit. I brought my dog along which always makes her happy. She lives independently within a complex that offers options if need be.
I've gotten over feeling like I'm stepping on toes and talk about what's going on in my life. I also figured that when appropriate I'd share things with her first so she'd be the 'one in the know' when she talked to her daughters. I think life has to get boring if you're always the last to know and/or are not expected to remember things.
We talked about some things and I told her I was going out socially with a friend who's a guy next week. "That's very good, you don't want to isolate, Kathleen." We went on to other subjects. Later in the afternoon my social engagement came up. I told her I don't call this gentleman by his name around the family, even though my mother and brother have met him briefly. I answered her puzzled look, "Because his name is Bill. (my former spouse's/her son's name)" I smiled at the irony. She didn't move. I asked if she was okay. Her face and body were still stuck in the same position. Holy crap. I asked her if she was okay in a slightly louder voice. She composed herself and laughed lightly saying she couldn't believe it was the same name. "Maybe you can call him Liam." I told her that's not fair to him, so I use his nickname along with his first if my daughter's around.
One of the fallouts are visiting my mother-in-law are the memories that squeeze back in. It's rarely the good ones. It's more the dark ones of the divorce, replaying those moments when I listened instead of saying something back to him. "Oh yea, what would he have done if I'd had that great rejoinder."
Yuck.. talk about scrambling the mental souffle. Luckily it was a busy night with my daughter's show, having to weave wires into her hair ahead of time so it could support crazy hairdos. After the show the moms who drive took the kids from the show who don't to the diner and we enjoyed 'mom time'. It was neat, social.
This morning I'm going to audition for a musical. Last weekend I decided I wasn't going to learn the song and not audition, that I couldn't do. Last night I asked my daughter if I should audition even if I didn't know the lyrics and might have to be holding a piece of paper. "Yep, just for the experience, Mom."
So.. focusing on the learning kicks the dark gloom of the past aside. I'll let you know how it goes.
