Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Gardener]

Gima,

I haven't caught up on your sitch, but I need help, calming down over the ludicrous bomb STBXW alien hit me with tonight.
Thanks.

[Butterfly1]

Coach is awesome

[givingitmyall]

Coach is awesome

I second that! I just wish I had half his vision.

[givingitmyall]

Quick update. Coach, I really have thought about what you posted yesterday. And, I understand. I am at peace with this, much more than I thought I would be.

The strange thing is that the more at peace I become with my current paths, the nicer and more open my W seems to be. She is acting like the W I fell in love with. I am not letting my guard down, and I don't have any expectations.

I don't perceive I am acting any differently. Maybe I am more relaxed around her. Maybe she is more relaxed around me. Maybe she is acting this way b/c she thinks this is the way to get me to be peaceful and give her what she expects in the D. I don't know. And, I don't care, b/c it's not my focus. I know my plan, and I know what I will and won't do.

I have spoken with one of the MC's W recommended, and I should receive a list of potential MC's from my IC any day now. I will press ahead on this, but will temper my conduct by what Coach advised yesterday. I'm not going to chase my tail anymore.

Thanks for sticking with me guys. I would say you don't know what you mean to me, but I think we all know what we mean to each other.

[iwantittowork]

Hey GIMA,

I am not letting my guard down, and I don't have any expectations.

Having a guard may be good for now, but ultimately you don't want to have any 'guard' you want strong boundaries.

Having a 'guard' up was one of my problems as I look back, rather than having strong character boundaries. There's a difference there.

Wishing you luck, you're doing well my friend, even if it doesn't seem like it at times..

[Coach]

Saw this on Indy's thread from Frank_D:

Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
Over the years, WAW often said that I love her, but don't really like her. There's some truth there. The second time around she would need to like me too. I have so much guilt and shame right now, but I still know I am not a bad man and I deserve to be cherished too.


See, that's the thing here. Too often we think we need to 'win back' our WAS's. 3 years ago when I DB'd and 'won her back' that was a HUGE f'ing mistake on my part.

I had made a lot of changes, I was strong and together. I was STARTING to think that I didn't WANT her back. Then she came back.

What I didn't see was that I needed HER to win ME back. But I made it too easy. I adopted the attitude that I 'won' her back. So I did most of the work. She didn't have to do anything really. She didn't have to change.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and everything went back to the way it was. Bad. Here we are again only this time we ARE being divorced.

Same actions, new OM, want's to be happy, kids are devastated.

Because when she had her affair, I didn't grow enough in my self worth to feel that I WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR. Not just my marriage, but ME.


Quote:
I still know I am not a bad man and I deserve to be cherished too.

So, as my counselor said to me the other day:

Quote:

When are you going to stop giving to someone who isn't going to give you what you want in return?



Sometimes, when you stop, they miss it and try to get it back. Especially if you feel GOOD about stopping.
_________________________

not that I think your wife is having a affair or that you are lacking in liking yourself. Just look at the tone of his post and the lessons learned.

[givingitmyall]

Wow! Yet another aspect I had not considered.

[Gardener]

You have a standing golf outing with your buddy. You are fighting a cold, you have alot going on at work, your kids want to spend more time with you and you have some things your really want to get done around the house. You love golf but aren't really in love with golf anymore. You know he really wants to play and is looking forward to getting a round in. But try as you might your heart isn't in it, your feelings will never change. You let him know you want to cancel the standing gig.

He asks why, he starts wearing different shirts, he quits drinking on the golf course, he even wants you to go to see the golf pro for some lessons (maybe you'll learn to love golf again.) You have alot invested in golf - clubs, CC membership, cart w/cover and attire. Plus all the great memories. But you are not moved, it all sounds good but you are still done, there's just no spark. It's not effortless, the passion is gone.

So your buddy says," OK, I hear you. You don't like golf anymore, that's cool with me. We'll I'm going to keep playing but find a new partner." Because he loves himself enougth to keep doing something he loves to do.

Doesn't matter if you get curious or confront reality. Not your buddies job after he asked more than once. A true friend will let you off the hook and not bother you. He will make his choice and you will make yours.

This great. And I don't even play golf! Or is the correct term "I don't even golf," See? what do I know?

[Gardener]

Gima,

The strange thing is that the more at peace I become with my current paths, the nicer and more open my W seems to be. She is acting like the W I fell in love with.

After your hell of the last 5-6 months, maybe her seeing a Gima at peace is like seeing the man she fell in love with. Who knows?

I don't perceive I am acting any differently. Maybe I am more relaxed around her.

If you're more at peace you must be acting differently. You sound more at peace in your posts, lately.

Maybe... Maybe....

Are you conjecturing or temperature-taking?

I don't know. And, I don't care, b/c it's not my focus. I know my plan, and I know what I will and won't do.... I'm not going to chase my tail anymore.

There's the Gima I've come to know!

Thanks for sticking with me guys. I would say you don't know what you mean to me, but I think we all know what we mean to each other.

Can I get an "AMEN?!!!

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Gardener. I can assure you - NO temperature taking here. None.