Changing Man

[Gardener]

Kettricken,

But guess what? she has a tongue, she could have told you in no uncertain terms to knock it off (the awake part, anyhow).

She did. And I did.

If an adult woman has an ongoing problem with something that's happening in her bed, she has not just the ability but responsibility to leave that bed.

She did. She took it to an apartment five miles from here.

I wouldn't make any sudden moves either, but I would weigh *carefully* whether I would even wish to reconcile with a person who seemed inclined to offload her own issues onto my shoulders so cavalierly and damagingly, unless her attitude changes

Nope no more desire to reconcile with this person..

Under the circs, I think it's wise to carefully consider not being alone with her. You just don't know.

I hear you loud and clear. I believe it was SpyBunny who suggested that to me this morning. I hadn't even thought of it yet.

I think I would try to stay out of the whole issue with your son's marriage (as far as it concerns her involvement). That really is his sandbox, sadly.And yes. I have to believe your stepkids will be back (if they're even gone).

Yep and yep.
Thanks.

[Gardener]

Gnosis,

On that note, Gardener, how is your son? What are you doing to help him during this time? You have gleaned a wealth of wisdom from this forum and the DR books. He might not want it, but please share it with him. Be a dad and help him through this difficult time. Blood is thicker than water.

My son is reacting better than I did: no pleading, begging, ILYs.From the beginning he took it as a wake up call to improve himself (the WAW bomb), he's a bit pissed since she filed. He both lived with me for 10 months this year and worked for me 2-3 days a week and was a great comfort to my sitch. I have already begun re-paying him in spades re: his sitch.

[Thinker]

Hi Gardener,

Just catching up after a few days offline, and there's not much I can add except that I know just how you feel. These shocking accusations come out of nowhere and for a while you actually do take them personally and they do hurt.

Glad to see you got lots of good advice.

Thinker

[brownidmom]

(((((Gardener)))))

Sorry I wasn't around last night. I am so sorry for you that you had to hear such lies coming out of your STBXW. Several people said it, that this is projection, plain and simple. If you're right and she was sexually abused by her F, and not just physically abused, she is carrying around A LOT OF BAGGAGE. And if her feelings for you changed around the time he passed, all the more proof that she is giving all of her negativity to the destruction of your M.

I am sorry for her if she was sexually abused as a child, a hard thing to overcome, I'm sure. This sitch will lead to sexual dysfuntion more times than not as an adult.

The scenarios you described are not sexual abuse in any way, shape, or form. And the Stepkids, it will all work itself out. You just keep taking the high road in this and the truth will come out.

I am glad to hear that you have compassion for her today. She's the one with the problems. Yes, she has tried to hurt you so she doesn't have to feel all the pain herself. No, she made sure to be very generous with doling out the pain. Put it in its place and move forward.

Gotta love all the support we get on these boards!!!

BIM

[Gardener]

Thinker,

Glad to see you got lots of good advice.Thinker

God, did I ever! This place is always helpful. But last night and this morning it was a Godsend. I called for the Cavalry and, boy, did they show up!
Thanks.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hang in there Gardener...I can understand what your feeling. I learned two weeks ago that my W mentioned to one of the Retrouvaille counselors that I horrendously emotionally-abused her for the past 12 years. I was so embarrassed. The abuse was so bad that she elected to have two beautiful kids with me? This is simply rewriting history.

Take it for what it's worth...our W's are simply justifying their emotions. Yes, we contributed to the demise of our marriages...but so did our spouses. Let them think and feel what they want...don't take it personally. I'm learning to laugh it all off. We are all going to be just fine...regardless of our situation.

Regards,
LFH

[Serenity13]

(((((Gardener)))))

I have some words for you (long) - I hope you take the time to really let them sink in...This isn't mine however I found it so long ago and never shared it until now...You will be just fine my friend. (((Hugs & Love)))

Let It Go
No, that’s not for you.
Let it go.
I know you think it was what you need, but you must let it go.
It will hurt you if you don't let it go.
I have something better for you if you will let it go.
Oh I know it may feel right, and things may seem to fall into place,
Things aren’t always what they seem, what you are feeling is not from Me.
You’re walking after the flesh and not in the Spirit.
Let it go.
I understand you have needs,
I understand you what you are feeling,
I don’t want this to hurt you, and it will, if you don’t let it go.
Don’t allow it to destroy all that you have suffered for, let it go.
I want you to release the pain of the past and move ahead with Me.
You can’t bring the past with you, you can’t hold onto it while walking with Me.
It has no place with Me, I am your future.
Forgive, you must forgive.
Forgive all that have hurt you,
You must turn lose that which is not of Me.
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
You can’t move forward with Me while holding onto your past.
That which is not of Me will lead to death, Let it go.
Didn’t I promise I would do a new thing in you?
It will come forth, I will make a way in the wilderness for you, if you let it go.
Don’t look at what they are doing, don’t look at what they have.
They are not with Me, you are.
Is it worth your walk with Me?
Is it worth the joy that I have given you?
Is it worth your salvation, which I died for?
It won’t open the doors of Heaven, it will only hold you in bondage, Let it go.
I am all that you need.
Haven’t I always been right on time?
Haven’t I always made a way out of no way?
Why do you doubt Me now?
Stop listening to what they are saying.
Why do you care what they say?
I am greater than any circumstance you will ever face.
Now, give it to Me, you can’t handle it, it’s too much for you to bear.
Let it go, take your hands off of it, and give it to Me.
Don’t look back, take My hand, and walk with Me.
My child, let it go.


2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

[givingitmyall]

Serenity,

That's a very moving passage. It meant a lot to me.

Thanks.

[Serenity13]

(((GIMA)))

No thanks needed...

If it helps then I have done what I sought out to do.

[Gardener]

As always, Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
Gardener(((())))Serenity