Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

If anybody reads this and can offer any advice, I'm just wondering what my next step is? Or is there even a step. Maybe I lay low for a while?

[Super Girl]

Your next step is the same as it has always been. Stop contact unless you are talking about the kids. You are your own worst enemy here.

[Lll54]

Thanks. I just feel so terrible for backsiding. I dont know how to get yourself out when you do. Especially when your H notices and tells you it has been detrimental?...

[Lll54]

Thanks. I just feel so terrible for backsiding. I dont know how to get yourself out when you do. Especially when your H notices and tells you it has been detrimental?...

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie,

We all backslide. I still backslide. When I do, I get back on track. Water under the bridge.

Tell me a personal goal, and the very first thing you can do to start heading for it.

Example: "I am going to quit smoking and the first thing I am going to do is throw away all the cigarettes I own"

Example: " I am going to reach my goal weight of 165 lbs and the first thing I am going to do is go for a walk after work"

[Kettricken]

This is called, "being human".

Until you learn to become comfortable -- really, down deep, gut level comfortable -- with the fact that you screw up and make wrong choices and choose less-than-perfect words on a regular if not daily basis and yet you are STILL lovable and valid, you will never be able to move forward with a healthy relationship with *anyone*.

Grant your husband his own agency. It is NOT all about you. Regardless of what he would have you believe, it is highly unlikely that you have SO much control over him that any one bad day or bad choice from you will decide his future. He will make the choice about your marriage based on what he determines is in his self-interest according to what inside his own head -- yes, you have some influence over that by your actions, but there is undoubtedly a LOT MORE to it that you have NO control over. It's not something you can control or force, not even by being "perfect".

Forget your relationship with your husband. You need to put the lion's share of that focus on your relationship with yourself.

[swimmingupstream]

OH Britt...I understand you and sympathize with you in so many ways. The day my h said those dreaded words I felt as if my life was falling apart..my mind was my worst enemy. I talked to ANYONE who would listen to me but I never really heard what they were saying. You can ask for advice from anyone that will listen and respond but until YOU find it within yourself it will be hard to change. I could not grasp this concept...I was reading what people were saying but I had to believe in myself first. I had to LIVE what they were saying..the answers were within ME! You have to find something to quiet your mind...Exercise...Meditation...Journaling..SOMETHING. Set goals for yourself. You have to QUIT worrying what he thinks or what he says...What about what YOU think?? Does that not count for anything. I hope you look inside yourself and see that you are a WONDERFUL person..capable of being treated the way you deserve to be treated. If I can help in any way please let me know..I too sounded like a broken record. I even had a few bad days this week but I picked myself back up and kept on going. For my kids and for myself. This has ALOT to do with self esteem and until you start living for yourself and saying H stay out of my email and back off and taking your power back then he will continue to walk all over you. It is not over until it's OVER. The changes are for YOU..not HIM! He is lucky you are even speaking to him considering how he treats you..but he treats you like that because he CAN...

[Super Girl]

Britt, we all backslide. Dust yourself off and start over.

[swimmingupstream]

Oh and one more thing..stop being so hard on yourself:) you are doing great! This will take A LOT of time..I look at like weight loss..It took a long time to put it on and it takes a lot of time to take it off...Your marriage did not get this way over night. I am actually GLAD this happened to me because I would have continued to be need person that I was..begging for my H to love me or stay with me..

[Ready2Change]

Oh and one more thing..stop being so hard on yourself:) you are doing great! This will take A LOT of time..I look at like weight loss..It took a long time to put it on and it takes a lot of time to take it off...Your marriage did not get this way over night. I am actually GLAD this happened to me because I would have continued to be need person that I was..begging for my H to love me or stay with me..

ABSOLUTELY!

The worst thing that could ever happen to me happened. And it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Every aspect of my life is better. I have a better relationship with myself, with each of my kids, with my parents, with my friends. I have new friends. I have no fears. I heard from a friend that "Another woman" has been asking about me.....Boost in self esteem! I am sure I will meet her and gain another friend or who knows.....