You can't control how they feel. You can just do you best not to add your hurt to their's. One good thing is that time has a way of healing. So what seems beyond their forgiveness now may not be forever.
I remember when my parents divorced, I was 17. Really knew every in and out of everything. I hated my mom for leaving. but its been 11 years and I have forgiven her throughout the years. It always takes time. My younger sisters were 8 and 13. They didn't know EVERYTHING and so it took a few years for the 13 yr old to get over it, and no time at all for the 8 yr old. Children are resilient. Thankfully.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I don't know your full sitch, but wanted to fill you in on what my MC told me. I have three kids (S6, S4, D2). Prior to my H moving out we spoke to MC to get advice on how to break the news to the kids.
She said to establish a united front with the kids. No blame should be put on either parent. We communicated to them that it wasn't H's nor my fault that he moved out. I know this might not work in your sitch as your kids appear to be quite a bit older than mine. But this approach has worked well for us.
The C did say something to us that really hit home for me. Remember that your kids are a product of both you and your H. They are 1/2 you and 1/2 him. Don't place them in the middle and whatever you do, don't make them choose sides.
Be sure to keep the lines of communication open with your kids. I would also urge you to consider C for them. At age 16, my parents went through a nasty D. During that time, the last people I wanted to talk to about the sitch was my parents. I shut out my family and turned towards friends. Now my Mom and I are just getting to a somewhat decent relationship.
My intention is not to scare you, just telling you my experiences.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
She said to establish a united front with the kids. No blame should be put on either parent. We communicated to them that it wasn't H's nor my fault that he moved out. I know this might not work in your sitch as your kids appear to be quite a bit older than mine. But this approach has worked well for us.
The only thing I don't like about this is it really does let the WAS off the hook. They don't have to account for what they are doing to the family. I am really against this method. But on the other hand, if you are trying to keep things peaceful in hopes that it will be easier for the WAS to come home when they come back to their senses, maybe it is a better approach.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Thanks for the feedback K4D and MO3. I understand the need to be united with the kids, but I kind of agree with Kevin. It actually is his fault he moved out. I offered solutions, and he chose to leave. Why do I have to act like I agree with his choice?
I do try to keep the kids out of the middle, though.
I think it might be one of those things where each family does what is best for them. We aren't really to the point of giving the kids a lot of information anyway. I can't tell them much until I know something honest to tell them, and right now I'll I have is garbage spewed out of H's mouth.
I more disagree with Kevin. WAS needs to be accountable, but it's not appropriate, in my opinion, for the kids to be used to do that. Especially young kids. When they are older, they will do it on their own. When they are younger, I don't think it is either parent's place to put them in the "middle". For one thing, it's easy to say, from our point of view, that we are "right". But there is always another point of view.
Anyway, that's some thoughts I have on the subject!
