Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to be strong enough (and love her enough) to let go. If she comes back, then it was meant to be and will be on new terms. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and, more importantly, you weren't going to "win" her back no matter what you did.

I know what you are saying, and I'm trying and a lot of days I'm doing very well. Today is not one of those days. The downs aren't as deep or as lasting, but they are still hitting me.

Yes, I definitely want her back on even terms -- not because of money or the kids or the schedule -- but because she realizes she does love me, it's just buried under all of her other issues.

Mishka, she's trying to improve her mood without medication. She was seeing a counselor -- without telling me -- last year for depression and they discussed anti-depressants.

That's why when I see her and she seems happy it hits so hard. I know she wants me to be the reason that she was unhappy and I desperately want to not be the reason she was unhappy.

I'd like to think she's acting. I know there's no way she wants me to see her angry, lonely or mopey.

It's a tough place to be in, wishing her well, but not wishing her well -- and then hating yourself for it.

I think part of my mood today is I'm trying to get it out of my system for tonight. I'm picking the girls up to take D10 to swim practice and D7 is coming with to play in the play place at the Y.

So I'll drop them off at 8:15 p.m. and instead of just letting them go to the door I'm walking them in because I'll be in a great mood, like I was on the phone. No more avoiding her.

I've mastered not having the R talks and keeping my tone positive on the phone. The next thing I have to master is my tone and posture when we are together.

As for the rest? Just fill my time, fill my time.