Addie, i think you are right when you say this needs to be done slowly. Jumping right back in is what i did. Not saying things would have turned out differently or that i even wished it did at this point. I suggested that K starts off by dating ... it sounds perhaps a little juvenile but that is what my experience tells me.
I located a C that sounds good. She is a professor at the Uni here and from her articles it sounds like she is close to S.Glass' and Michelles' way of handling things. She has studied in the States and she had no problem with me asking at least 20 questions about her experience/beliefs/way of dealing with infidelity, marital crisis etc.
We need guidance, I need someone to help ME personally get over what has happened. I am going to tell H soon and hopefully he will agree. I am worried that he is dicouraged by the so far experience we had with Cs so far but granted that he was still in the A then, maybe things will go better now.
If he refuses, then I will ask for some kind of action plan that he proposes to tackle this situation.
For the record, he didnt call me but once yesterday, since he is busy with work. I sent a text to remind him to go to the police station for a ticket he got while driving my little car and I am accused for the violation and he replied he will do that today or tomorrow. No further questions, messages etc K
I am glad you found a C. I hope he will go, but if he doesn't I fear he wont' find a way to move past it.
I really think the guilt ate my H up and the only way he can figure to rid himself of it is to be "rid" of looking at me on a daily basis.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Sandy, the guilt thingwe discussed a bit. He said he doenst feel blocked by it. Not wanting to sound arrogant, but he is wrong about that. Sometimes I can FEEL the guilt even when he looks at the kids. Good thing he doesnt seem to feel ashamed and embarassed. I read that shame is really bad and blocks progress. And it's a "superficial" feeling, having nothing to do with core values, just with the loosing face factor. When he apologised to my parents and friends I was shocked. He even seemed a bit "brave" to me, you know what I mean? K
I do think that shame can mess with a lot of things. Guilt is natural given what happened, though. But I am glad he doesn't feel compelled by guilt. That means he is there because he wants you, not because he thinks he is 'supposed' to be there.
I'm really glad you have found a C you like, think you can trust and seems to follow the DB theories. That will be a good find for both of you if you are right.
I do hope H will go b/c your last attempt was during his A and he was still in denial and not into working on the M. However, if he doesn't, I feel you are right to say: "If he refuses, then I will ask for some kind of action plan that he proposes to tackle this situation."
Let's hope he goes w/you and wants to work. If not, let's hope he has a solution and a plan for you.
Sandy, the guilt thingwe discussed a bit. He said he doenst feel blocked by it. Not wanting to sound arrogant, but he is wrong about that. Sometimes I can FEEL the guilt even when he looks at the kids. Good thing he doesnt seem to feel ashamed and embarassed. I read that shame is really bad and blocks progress. And it's a "superficial" feeling, having nothing to do with core values, just with the loosing face factor. When he apologised to my parents and friends I was shocked. He even seemed a bit "brave" to me, you know what I mean? K
Well to not thow you off... My H did the same.... My C said he was the poster child for reconcillation..... he was very apologetic and still is about the whole thing.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I hear you. He came over last night. He told me yesterday to "help him get it right" because we talked a bit and he said it seems that whatever he does is wrong. I frustrated him. I got frustrated. I asked him what he means by helping him. He said break it down to him, in little things, in actions. He doenst know what is right or wrong anymore. He says he feels no matter what he tries to do, it'sn ot enough or completely off.
So I gave him a list. C included. He didnt answer.He leaves on Mon for a trip and then his schedule is normal again. I plan to keep my mouth shut until then. K
