Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, the realization is making for a somewhat tough day. I feel "stronger" when I get in the mode of 'I'll show her' or 'it's her loss.'

I have to keep telling myself that I signed up for this when we got married. I knew she struggled with happiness, that there was something missing. I thought I could provide it.

I know now that I can't, only she can decide to be happy. I have to psych myself up to be patient. I have to trust in the end of the story.

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for that reminder of how far we have come for ourselves in the midst of these horrible times. It's quite a break-thru you had this morning. It's definitely not easy (as you can see from my posts, I am struggling greatly with patience too). When you start to look at the time line - 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, it makes it that much difficult. But you're doing great. You are starting to do things for you and that make happy and the focus on W and her life is decreasing. Concentrate on these steps. They never said it wouldn't hurt or that you would just forget about them, but as you focus less and less on them, that's the progress. Keep it up and don't give up clinging to hope. Hope is all we have!

[ClingingToHope]

Patience. Trust. Patience. Trust.

Just got off the phone with W. Going over scheduling stuff. It's so "normal" when we coordinate schedules.

Then we hang up and I have the empty feeling and I think about the conundrum.

* If I'm not so cooperative then that makes it more difficult on her and perhaps question her decision. But why love someone who is not helping as much as he can.

* If I cooperate as much as possible, then I am showing that I still love and care for her. But then she gets the best of both world's -- her freedom and a helper.

Ah the roller coaster. I felt good in the shower but time stretches out before me.

Again I must trust in the wall. The wall only I've ever been able to penetrate. Eventually, she'll tire of living behind it and let it down -- and that's when she'll realize I was the only person who wanted to get and stay inside the wall.

[mishka422]

There is an inherent problem with this 'wall'. Your W needs to figure out for herself that the 'wall' is not protecting her from anything, it is only keeping people from loving and understanding her. The wall does damage to her and to those around her. Unless she learns that and breaks through the wall she will continue to be unhappy no matter who she eventually lets through. If you have truly been the only person who has broken through, it must get pretty lonely in there.

Her defenses sound a lot like mine so I feel badly for her in that respect. I, of course, do not agree with her decision to leave the M, but I understand the compulsion to try to change circumstances hoping that it will improve her feelings.

You have my utmost respect for being able to get through to her in the first place. Do you ever feel like maybe the person you knew all of these years wasn't really who you thought she was?

[givingitmyall]

Again I must trust in the wall. The wall only I've ever been able to penetrate. Eventually, she'll tire of living behind it and let it down -- and that's when she'll realize I was the only person who wanted to get and stay inside the wall.

Maybe. Maybe.

CTH, where is your focus right now? Is it on what SHE may or may not do? I understand if it is. But, that's not where it should be.

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to be strong enough (and love her enough) to let go. If she comes back, then it was meant to be and will be on new terms. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and, more importantly, you weren't going to "win" her back no matter what you did.

Don't mean to be the frigid, cold water on you, but try to determine where you are concentrating your energy and emotion right now. And, is it in the right place FOR YOU?

[awest1217]

You just need to keep doing what you think is best for you. Through my whole ordeal I have gone against the "process" because it did not work for me and I did not feel right in the decision so it was about me. I have had to deal with criticism from friends, family, and many other places, but once again I am doing what is best for ME and S. The Key is doing what YOU think is best for YOU and D's not what anyone else says. If you are comfortable with your decision then it will make you stronger and get towards happy. If you are not comfortable then you can change your decision to get to something else you are comfortable with.

[ClingingToHope]

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to be strong enough (and love her enough) to let go. If she comes back, then it was meant to be and will be on new terms. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and, more importantly, you weren't going to "win" her back no matter what you did.

I know what you are saying, and I'm trying and a lot of days I'm doing very well. Today is not one of those days. The downs aren't as deep or as lasting, but they are still hitting me.

Yes, I definitely want her back on even terms -- not because of money or the kids or the schedule -- but because she realizes she does love me, it's just buried under all of her other issues.

Mishka, she's trying to improve her mood without medication. She was seeing a counselor -- without telling me -- last year for depression and they discussed anti-depressants.

That's why when I see her and she seems happy it hits so hard. I know she wants me to be the reason that she was unhappy and I desperately want to not be the reason she was unhappy.

I'd like to think she's acting. I know there's no way she wants me to see her angry, lonely or mopey.

It's a tough place to be in, wishing her well, but not wishing her well -- and then hating yourself for it.

I think part of my mood today is I'm trying to get it out of my system for tonight. I'm picking the girls up to take D10 to swim practice and D7 is coming with to play in the play place at the Y.

So I'll drop them off at 8:15 p.m. and instead of just letting them go to the door I'm walking them in because I'll be in a great mood, like I was on the phone. No more avoiding her.

I've mastered not having the R talks and keeping my tone positive on the phone. The next thing I have to master is my tone and posture when we are together.

As for the rest? Just fill my time, fill my time.

[ClingingToHope]

Another big part of my problem is the optimist thing. I thought for sure at six months we'd be working things out. I didn't understand the height of the wall she's built.

Yesterday I was reflecting on how well I was doing. Today, it's six months plus one day and I don't feel all that much better.

And in my head -- and I'm trying to stop this -- I'm thinking about Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years when we're not together as a family that that might trigger something. Then there's D10's birthday in February and then my birthday in April and anniversary at the end of April and then ... Mother's Day, which will be one year out of the house.

All these little important dates.

Honestly, if she'd file that'd maybe snap me out of it, but I, of course, don't want a divorce so ....

At least it's been five weeks -- I'm going to look it up -- since I forced a relationship talk.

The roller coaster continues.

[ClingingToHope]

The last bad R talk was Oct. 6 when she started in about the holidays and I said nothing's been filed and she said she would have by then if she had the $1,200 retainer.

So that's a positive streak I can celebrate. One month and six days since I clumsily gave her the opening to hit me with the "I still haven't changed my mind" talk.

[awest1217]

The holidays are going to be the worst. For me, it is Thanksgiving, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, and New Year's all in a month. It is going to SUCK! Just keep posting and stay strong. We will all be hit hard this next month and it is going to be hard to have a "holly, jolly Christmas" when things are not great, but that is the time to rely on friends to help you get through.