New here, this is my story...

[HelpMe!]

I am just feeling destroyed today. My wife just stopped by after picking up our daughter after school. I didn't say anything beyond hello.

She is trying to figure out our budget for the rest of the year. I feel that the only reason she is not filing for divorce is that she knows it will put a financial squeeze on her.

Here we are, at the holidays, knowing that divorce is going to happen...yet it isn't. I read stories about people spending over a year before the filing is actually started! WHY?!?! If it is over, then make it official, allow us to start to heal and move on.

I hate the fact that I love this woman and want to make this work.

I hate myself for not wanting to just move on myself.

I am feeling very low today.

We are going to meet with the C again the week before Christmas. I'm not sure why.

Until then, I am not going to do anything at all for my wife. If she needs help, she will have to call family. I will avoid contact at all costs.

I need to learn to fall out of love with her; but I don't want to find someone else either and being alone on the holidays is terrifying.

I'm a mess. I think I need to reconsider those depresion medications.

[HelpMe!]

I called my C to talk about getting on some medication. He agreed and said he would make an appt for a referal.

He said he felt bad about last night and that he didn't fully explain that it was very painful, but necesary. He is very concerned about my W, to the point that when she blew up last night and he asked me to leave for a few minutes (turned into an hour and 20 minutes) he thought he was going to have to admit her to the hospital because she was so unbalanced. He is calling her today to talk to her some more as well.

He said that it is important that we did what we did. He said he knows it was a terrible session, and those can be very dicouraging. However, he said that the worst is done, but by no means is it over. He said that I need to do exactly what I have been doing, but even more consistently (talking about DBing here). He said there are no promises and he doesn't know how this will turn out; but he did say that I need to completly turn off any feelings for her and that is a process, not something I do overnight.

I let DB-ing go by the wayside in the C session last night. I talked about my desire to stay married, etc...

So, today, even though I am a wreck, I tried to let her go. She's emailed me several times. I didn't reply to any, except one. In that email I told her that in light of the session last night, I was upset and confused and would prefer not to talk about issues such as finances and holiday schedules until after the weekend, so that I have a chance to level myself and think rationally.

She replied that it was okay to get back to her Monday.

My C thinks she is very mixed up. He is very concerned about her, and so am I. I wish she would see someone and consider taking some medication. She isn't herself, and hasn't been for a few years; I didn't realize to what extent until just recently, but always was concerned about her moods and low self-esteem (which she says is all my fault).

Has anyone taken depression medication? I need to go see the docotr, but I would like some information from anyone who has. How long did it take to help? What brand did you use? Did it help? Did it make you a zombie? I don't want to NOT feel, I just don't want to feel like nothing.

[Gardener]

HelpMe,

He said that I need to do exactly what I have been doing, but even more consistently (talking about DBing here).

Good. This you can do. You know how and it gets easier with practice.

I let DB-ing go by the wayside in the C session last night. I talked about my desire to stay married, etc...

Right or wrong, in the MC meetings is the one place I didn't DB either (except validate and things like that)

I was upset and confused and would prefer not to talk about issues such as finances and holiday schedules until after the weekend, so that I have a chance to level myself and think rationally.

Good idea. Now stick with it. Go dark. No initiation, no replies until after the weekend

Has anyone taken depression medication? I need to go see the docotr, but I would like some information from anyone who has. How long did it take to help? What brand did you use? Did it help? Did it make you a zombie? I don't want to NOT feel, I just don't want to feel like nothing.

I have and still do. Since last November. Lexapro. About 2 weeks into it, it kinda lifted. About a week later I had two consecutive days where it lifted. Third week, I began enjoying my days! Oh, I had been enjoying things and trips and movies and such, but suddenly I just enjoyed the day and thought,"Chr!st, how long have I been like this?! How long has it been since I enjoyed the day. Just the day, whatever it was?". Within another few days, it was lifted. I thought, "Wow, I remember this guy!" Some potential sexual side effects for some people at first (like me But at that point life was celibate anyway )

Normally, I'm a nutrition and supplement freak and eschew pharmaceuticals, but I needed fast, effective relief.
I have since read The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman and took the quizzes in the book to see what amino acid (neurotransmitter food) I was deficient in. Followed that up with Amino acid blood work which confirmed the book's quizzes. Started the suggested regimen of amino acid supplements (inexpensive),. That made me feel even better and I am now being weaned off Lexapro.

Looong answer, HelpMe, but that's been my experience, Hope it helps. Get the book. In addition to it being scientifically proven (and anecdotally proven in my sitch) he makes the common sense argument that while meds do help, let's face it: we are not depressed because our bodies or brains have a deficiency in Lexapro, or Zoloft or Prozac. Those things don't even exist in our bodies. They help with the symptoms to be sure, but neurotransmitter-feeding amino acids cure the cause, not just ameliorate the symptoms.

[HelpMe!]

Gardener,

Thanks so much for your reply.

I've been thinking a lot about this today. I have brought up issues with my wife's moods in the past, and after really feeling like I hit a new low today, I thought, "I really need something". The problem is somewhat stigma, but also the fact that i really believe we can gain something from our feelings; that we have them for a reason. I don't want to be numb to the world around me. I'm one of those "no pain, no gain" guys, and I don't mean that in a macho way. However, I know that I am not focused on my kids or work; and you can make that work for a little while, but it has been over two months now. While I think I am a better dad then I was two months ago, I can be better.

I will find the book you recommended and start reading it.

I actually called my grandmother tonight and she came over to watch the kids while I did parent-teacher conferences and she said "why don't you stop by your friends and have a beer before you come home"...gotta love Wisconsin grandma's!

So I did just that. I talked with a friend who's divorce was final this week after a 21 year marriage. He was doing well and told me to "hang in there" (who else gets sick of hearing that line). He said that no matter what happens, make sure your head is clear and you are certain before you file...I was talking to him about filing since she doesn't seem to want to.

We talked in depth about that. There are two reasons she won't file; in my opinion.

1) She has doubts, realizes she needs to talk to an IC and clear herself before making this decision

or

2) she needs my money and my labor to make the house work until it sells.

Both seem realistic. I'd like to think it is #1, but even if it is #2, it buys me time. Time to work on myself and time for her to, hopefully, work on herself.

I feel better tonight, but still plan to talk to my Dr. about my sadness.

Thanks again, I love log posts, esspecially when they are filled with great information.

Ia pprecaite your willingness to post. I've been reading other peoples posts and haven't commented on many yet; I still feel like I am a long way from giving advice, but I appreciate those of you willing to post here. please know it is appreciated and helps me a lot!

[Gardener]

The problem is somewhat stigma, but also the fact that i really believe we can gain something from our feelings; that we have them for a reason. I don't want to be numb to the world around me. I'm one of those "no pain, no gain" guys, and I don't mean that in a macho way.

No numbness. I hope I didn't give that impression. two things:
1)Aliveness again. Me-ness, again
2)When I was in depression I was worried about, obsessed about dreaded only two things: Absolutely nothing and Absolutely everything, Under meds I am never numb I am at times (often with my sitch?) sad. But I know WHY I'm sad, Big Difference. And it is appropriate. I described depression once as a slow-moving black glacier that envelops you so slowly, you don't even know it's happening. Under your situation you may just need some ant-anxiety meds. There are many good, non-habit forming ones. My Dr. prescribed one for emertgency use only. works in about 10 minutes and jus takes the "edge" off for about 30 minutes, which is usually long enough .

Ia pprecaite your willingness to post. I've been reading other peoples posts and haven't commented on many yet; I still feel like I am a long way from giving advice, but I appreciate those of you willing to post here. please know it is appreciated and helps me a lot!

We're all that way in the beginning. Heck, many times I still am since so many sitches are so different from my own. I've found that when I feel I have "nothing" to offer, I can often at least offer a, "Good for you," an"I understand, a"Keep it up; you're doing great."

[HelpMe!]

Okay, I was pretty low after Wed. night's MC session. The session where I learned I needed to "fall out of love" with my wife, that she was done and that she wanted to move on.

That same meeting, she said she didn't know when she would file. She didn't have the money (I offered to pay), she didn't have the time to drive 30 minutes to the courthouse (I told her she could file at city hall in town), she didn't know how to handle an attorney (I told her I signed the contact with the attorney and left the contract at home, she had signed it too, put it in the envelope and had not mailed it).

Today, about 48 hours later, I am feeling better.

I have a counseling appt for Tuesday at noon to go over all of this with my IC (who is also teh MC).

I talked about "going dark". Tought to do when you have kids, but I need to move on. My wife doesn't want me, and was clear about that. If we are divorced, I won't be there for her like I have been, even if it has only been under the guise of being there "for the kids".

In that session, the MC told me that I need to let go, fall out of love. Distance myself. She heard all of this.

Yesterday she emailed me about several things. I replied to one email and said that I needed time to level myself before discussing those things.

Today she called to check on our son, who had a positive H1N1 test. he's fine and I will send her an email letting her know that. however, I will wait until later today in case she emails me some more.

It is difficult to "go dark" when she keeps emailing me.

My FIL has been emailing me a lot. At first he apologized for giving me hope; but I replied back that maybe this is the best approach. I'm not going to ignore her. I'm not going to be a jerk, but I'm not going to drop everything to help her either.

I learned that she talked to her mom the other night and her mom actually told her to talk to someone (meaning an IC). That surprised me.

The holidays are all but here and I am resigned to the fact that they will be as a seperated couple. She offered to take the kids for Thanksgiving and let me have them for Christmas. I was surprised by that. I told her that sounded fine.

She's not filing and has offered to increase her contribution to cover our mortgage. This makes the budget balance out, but also gives her another reason not to file (less money). I suppose that is good.

We go to MC again a week before Christmas. Maybe there will be a Christmas miracle, but I doubt it. I'm going to stay in the house and keep the same routine we've had until after the holidays. We'll see what happens then. Maybe we go forward full-steam to divorce, maybe my wife gets some counseling and helps her deal with her anger and changes her mind..but even if she doesn't, I know she is making decisions with a clear head and not in anger.

I'm still going to the Dr. to talk about medication, probably anti-anxiety medicine (thanks, Gardener).

Anyone out there see any problems with my approach? I can't go completly black, but I can go really realy dark gray :-)

[Gardener]

Help me,

The holidays are all but here and I am resigned to the fact that they will be as a seperated couple. She offered to take the kids for Thanksgiving and let me have them for Christmas. I was surprised by that. I told her that sounded fine.

Her's a suggestion I just gave Motherof3 re how STBXW and I handled holidays for years, though our kids were all teenagers when we married):

When my STBXW and I married, we solved these easily. To save the kids (hers and mine) the anguish of having to choose which parent to be with (they were old enough to choose) wife and I switched our Thanksgiving to Friday. Everybody was happy, no conflicts, the kids got two thanksgiving meals/celebrations. Wife and I kind of had two Thanksgivings, too. AND an extra day to cook and prepare. Same thing with Christmas: Celebrate, eat, exchange presents Christmas Eve. Kids then went to other parents' houses Christmas Day. Perfect solution all around. We've continued the tradition for 17 years (although it's all shot to hell this year)

Hope it helps.

If you "can't" go dark, than do as best/as much as you can do.

[HelpMe!]

I've found myself in a new sort of slump. Instead of being sad when I am away from home, I find myself far more sad at home. Of course there are memories...pictures, the kids, making dinner without my w, etc.. Then there is the jealousy...what is she doing? Is she meeting someone right now? Is she dating? I don't think that is the case; but those are the thoughts in my mind.

Of course, when I am away, then I assume it is her doing that. maybe not. She says she doesn't miss me often, but sometimes does. of course, when i am away, I am GALing to no end. I am out with friends, playing cribbage with a stranger at the neighborhood bar, etc... I enjoy myself, I don't feel too lonely. But at home, when the kids go to bed, wow...the lonliness really sinks in. I want my W back and now I need to start "falling out of love with her" WTF does that mean anyway?

I had some encouraging news today. Two differnt people, who have talked with my W, have said that she either directly said, or implied that she is struggling with her decision. I guess that is promising, but I also think that is normal and anyone who does get divorced probably also struggles with it at one point or another.

Tonight it is supper, then some Wii and maybe a movie with the kids, then it is bedtime. Maybe there is a Rocky marathon or something on that I can watch and take my mind off everything. I don't know.

Does anyone have advice on how to fall out of love? Is that even good advice from our MC? He said that we need to get back to square one in order to do anything...and that means falling out of love and then seeing if we fall back in love. I just am not sure about that. Thoughts?

[Gardener]

HelpMe,

I've found myself in a new sort of slump. Instead of being sad when I am away from home, I find myself far more sad at home. Of course there are memories...pictures, the kids, making dinner without my w, etc.. Then there is the jealousy...what is she doing? Is she meeting someone right now? Is she dating? I don't think that is the case; but those are the thoughts in my mind.

While there are many suggestions and strategies to cope with so much of this sh!t, sometimes you (I) gotta face the fact that you can't cure "Normal" This is normal. Feel it. It sucks, but feel it. It is. Don't wallow (believe me, I know).

Of course, when I am away, then I assume it is her doing that. maybe not. She says she doesn't miss me often, but sometimes does. of course, when i am away, I am GALing to no end. I am out with friends, playing cribbage with a stranger at the neighborhood bar, etc... I enjoy myself, I don't feel too lonely. But at home, when the kids go to bed, wow...the lonliness really sinks in.

Normal.

I want my W back and now I need to start "falling out of love with her" WTF does that mean anyway?

I don't know. Who told you that, again? Sounds like nonsense. IMO

Tonight it is supper, then some Wii and maybe a movie with the kids, then it is bedtime. Maybe there is a Rocky marathon or something on that I can watch and take my mind off everything. I don't know.

Don't do too much vegging. Or pity-partying. Screw Rocky. TV vegging makes our minds fall below the level of thought. You need to think. Read. Read DR. Read any R books. Exercise. Unplug the TV. That's what I do and that one extra step to turn it on usually reminds me and makes me say, "Ah, screw it."Your wife is struggling w/her decision? Great! Start DBing like nobody's business, man!

Does anyone have advice on how to fall out of love? Is that even good advice from our MC? He said that we need to get back to square one in order to do anything...and that means falling out of love and then seeing if we fall back in love. I just am not sure about that. Thoughts?

No idea. Did you ask him what the heck that means and how one does it and how the heck that will help? Maybe you should "fall out of" MC's office. For good.

lil 2x4s & gentle slaps upside the head!

[SpyBunny]

Maybe "Fall out of love" is another way of saying "Detach". Just worded very poorly... Ask the C for clarification.