Changing Man

[givingitmyall]

I call total BS on this after-the-fact characterization of "sexual abuse". Yeah, you were probably pushing the envelope a bit there, *in 20/20 hindsight*. But guess what? she has a tongue, she could have told you in no uncertain terms to knock it off (the awake part, anyhow). As for the asleep part, how ignorant do you have to be to NOT know that erections are a common, nay, expected outcome of spooning like that? Is she *eleven years old*??? I think not.

If an adult woman has an ongoing problem with something that's happening in her bed, she has not just the ability but responsibility to leave that bed.

Big Girl Panties.

Under the circs, I think it's wise to carefully consider not being alone with her.

I SECOND this! And, and, and! I would pronounce that to her, as well. "STBXW, based on your resent attempts to bastardize our sex life with your fantastic claim that I abused you, I have decided to restrict our meetings to public places or have a third party in the room." Let her know that you recognize the need to protect yourself against her slander. She'll say you are overreacting to which you will reply, "Gee, abused STBXW...wouldn't you feel safer that way, too? You're the one flying the abuse flag."

Greek

This makes a pant load of sense. I mean "big girl pant load" of sense.

[Gnosis]

I think I would try to stay out of the whole issue with your son's marriage (as far as it concerns her involvement). That really is his sandbox, sadly.

I strongly disagree. She is an is actively destroying "everything Gardener".

Gardener's son is entitled to be made aware of the enemy within. God knows what this woman will do with him if he thinks of her as an ally to restore his marriage. Gman cannot step aside on this one. It is one thing for her to be wrecking her own marriage and completely another to be aiding and abetting the destruction of his son's marriage.

Most of you people have been contemplating the loss of the step kids. They are NOT the priority here, their relationships are not in the crisis that Gman son and child are in. Am I the only one who sees this?

On that note, Gardener, how is your son? What are you doing to help him during this time? You have gleaned a wealth of wisdom from this forum and the DR books. He might not want it, but please share it with him. Be a dad and help him through this difficult time. Blood is thicker than water.

[Kettricken]

Let me clarify. Of course his son deserves to know what is (probably) going on. But then Gardner should step off and let his son handle things with his stepmother as he sees fit. IMHO.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Under the circs, I think it's wise to carefully consider not being alone with her.

I SECOND this! And, and, and! I would pronounce that to her, as well. "STBXW, based on your resent attempts to bastardize our sex life with your fantastic claim that I abused you, I have decided to restrict our meetings to public places or have a third party in the room."

I LOVE THIS.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I would pronounce that to her, as well. "STBXW, based on your resent attempts to bastardize our sex life with your fantastic claim that I abused you, I have decided to restrict our meetings to public places or have a third party in the room."

I heard and followed this same advise (without pronouncing it to MsR2C, I just changed my behavior) way early on in my sitch. Avoid any sitch where false accusations are possible.....

[Gardener]

R2C

First, Sorry about last night. I know it is hard.

A wise man wrote this a couple weeks ago:

The very first decision I made while I was still reading The Four Agreements was to decide to: not take my sitch personally.
None of it.
Not the bomb, not the leaving, not the continued and escalating distancing.
Nor the lies, the rewriting history, editing memories, nor bizarre accusations.
None of it.
I just don't take it personally.
I'm not taking it personally.
I refuse. No more.

What a burden that lifted.

Set healthy boundaries for YOU. Let HER own her anger,lies etc....and remember everything will be OK.

Thanks. I was totally flabbergasted last night, but I don't take it personally. How could I? It is beyond-fantasy fiction.
But has today increased my compassion for her and the deep pain/conflict/fantasy/whatever she is living in.

[Gardener]

Rabbit,

Just wanting to add my (())) to Gardener, a pretty raw deal for you I think, youve always come across to me as a good honorable chap!

Thank you. "Chap". I like that! It's kinda like "fella": no one uses those terms much anymore.

I am better. I am good. I am fine.
You guys bolstered me up, fer sure.

(((Rabbit)))

[Gardener]

Greek,

You might be on to something here. But I don't think you should float the idea with her.

No way. Although interestingly, I did talk to an FOO expert that I was referred to a few months ago. He asked me if she ever reconciled with her father before he passed away in April, '08. I told him, "No," and he basically said it was being transferred to the most important man in her life now - me.

He also asked (without me bringing it up) if she has displayed a pattern of cutting people off, shutting them out for good and running away when she's reached a threshold of pain (I know I've used that description ad nauseam on this thread before, but that's what he asked). And when I replied, "Yes, quite a lot, actually," he gave me the psychologically-equivalent answer of, "You're toast."

You should be angry. You've been treated unfairly.
Greek

Oddly enough, I'm not. I was livid last night. But I find today (after reflection and the overwhelming response I got from you guys) I'm not angry at all. I'm not taking it personally. If anything, I feel more compassionate. But, still, I'm done.
Thanks.

[Ready2Change]

I was totally flabbergasted last night, but I don't take it personally. How could I? It is beyond-fantasy fiction.

Yes, I can understand. That is why I read so much here. Your sitch and others helps us predict our spouses behavior and prepares us with appropriate behavior.

[Gardener]

(((SG))). Thanks.