I will keep sleeping with her for the next couple of weeks, simply because I refuse to give up my bed. I just have to try harder not to look when she becomes uncovered during the night.
I doubt she even thinks about how it affects me. As for her coming home to a warm body - my body is of no interest to her. The reality of that part of the separation is the best for her. She still says the final decision to leave now was due to the night I violated her in a drunken/drugged state. She uses the word "safe" a lot. I think she's being quite honest - but if that's the case, how can she stand sleeping the same bed now?? No need to go over that again - it's been discussed several times in this thread.
As for her winning me back, that's a long way from happening, but I have thought of that. Our second marriage would start differently than the first. There would be open discussion regarding expectations. She would need to have her drinking under control, really be looking after her physical illness issues, be far more open and responsible regarding finances and her on again / off again smoking would hopefully be done, or at the very least more off than on. While I am happy about making some changes in me, she would need to love me unconditionally too.
Over the years, WAW often said that I love her, but don't really like her. There's some truth there. The second time around she would need to like me too. I have so much guilt and shame right now, but I still know I am not a bad man and I deserve to be cherished too.
