Changing Man

[Gardener]

To my DB Cavalry,

Thank you for charging in the way you all did. It means the world to me. The collective wisdom is enlightening was so useful and needed. The collective love and concern overwhelming. You have all - all - helped me so much in the past as I hope I have you, but today, today you have made a real difference in my life and have lifted me up more than I can say.

I'll be back at your sitches tonight. I don't often have great advice and sometimes don't know what to advise, but I always try to give at least a "right on!", "Way to go, girl," or "Good for you!" when I am stumped.

Thanks again.

[motherof3]

G,

Just catching up on your sitch. I don't have any advice to add, except that I agree with Puppy. Speak with the step kids and get there real perspective.

Chin up. We are here for you.

MO3

[Super Girl]

(((G)))

[Ready2Change]

First, Sorry about last night. I know it is hard.

A wise man wrote this a couple weeks ago:

The very first decision I made while I was still reading The Four Agreements was to decide to: not take my sitch personally.
None of it.
Not the bomb, not the leaving, not the continued and escalating distancing.
Nor the lies, the rewriting history, editing memories, nor bizarre accusations.
None of it.
I just don't take it personally.
I'm not taking it personally.
I refuse. No more.

What a burden that lifted.

Set healthy boundaries for YOU. Let HER own her anger,lies etc....and remember everything will be OK.

[Lost Rabbit]

Just wanting to add my (())) to Gardener, a pretty raw deal for you I think, youve always come across to me as a good honorable chap!

[Greek]

But wait!!! The very next day she tells this to her female IC who tells her that that is SEXUAL ABUSE. So she irrevocably decides to divorce me. WTF!?!

WFT indeed! Pressure? Possibly. Annoying? Probably. Abuse? Give me a break.

And you know what? I always suspected (without proof) that her father's physical abuse of her may have included some sexual abuse (she hadn't had anything to do with him for 30 years) and he died just around the time this 15-year long nudge-giggle-ML game became a problem last year.

You might be on to something here. But I don't think you should float the idea with her.

Ladies, am I being crazy, here? Am I wrong that 15 yrs of play became unacceptable, something so innocent suddenly became Sexual Abuse?!?

It had been bothering her for a while, if I had to guess. And she resents indulging you. She unfairly hid her true feelings from you ... until they blew all over the place 100x their size b/c she stuffed 'em down.


You should be angry. You've been treated unfairly.
Greek

[TrentC]

You say "Last year, she suddenly hated it". Did she communicate this to you at all over the past year? If so, then I kinda have a problem with you "sometimes" fooling with her on purpose and lying about it ("it's involuntary!"). I wouldn't call it sexual abuse, but it does feel like you were violating a poorly-communicated boundary.

No, no, no.When it quickly sunk in that she rejected it (and wasn't just having a bad week or two),I stopped. I can't speak to what may have - and - did happen asleep at, say 4:am, though.

I figured this was the case, but I was thinking of scenarios that would cause a counselor to call it sexual abuse. (I'm also assuming that your wife didn't portray you in the best light as she related this story.)

Either way, I'm sorry that your STBXW is putting you and your family through this. And now she's interfering in your son's marriage too? :wince:

[orangedog]

"From what I know she clearly and regularly communicated happiness and concern over your relationship over an extended period of time.:"
I resisted replying, "Maybe to you. But not to me she didn't!"

This is common. WAS says they said they mentioned trouble over and over. Often they didn't.

[Kettricken]

I call total BS on this after-the-fact characterization of "sexual abuse". Yeah, you were probably pushing the envelope a bit there, *in 20/20 hindsight*. But guess what? she has a tongue, she could have told you in no uncertain terms to knock it off (the awake part, anyhow). As for the asleep part, how ignorant do you have to be to NOT know that erections are a common, nay, expected outcome of spooning like that? Is she *eleven years old*??? I think not.

If an adult woman has an ongoing problem with something that's happening in her bed, she has not just the ability but responsibility to leave that bed.

If there is sexual abuse in her past, that is tragic and deserving of compassion, but it is *NOT* your responsibility to fix. It is hers.

I imagine hearing your actions characterized as "sexual abuse" felt like a kick in the gut. ((((Gardener)))).

I wouldn't make any sudden moves either, but I would weigh *carefully* whether I would even wish to reconcile with a person who seemed inclined to offload her own issues onto my shoulders so cavalierly and damagingly, unless her attitude changes. Not to mention her insertion of herself into your son's marriage....

Under the circs, I think it's wise to carefully consider not being alone with her. You just don't know.

I think I would try to stay out of the whole issue with your son's marriage (as far as it concerns her involvement). That really is his sandbox, sadly.

And yes. I have to believe your stepkids will be back (if they're even gone).

[Greek]

I call total BS on this after-the-fact characterization of "sexual abuse". Yeah, you were probably pushing the envelope a bit there, *in 20/20 hindsight*. But guess what? she has a tongue, she could have told you in no uncertain terms to knock it off (the awake part, anyhow). As for the asleep part, how ignorant do you have to be to NOT know that erections are a common, nay, expected outcome of spooning like that? Is she *eleven years old*??? I think not.

If an adult woman has an ongoing problem with something that's happening in her bed, she has not just the ability but responsibility to leave that bed.

Big Girl Panties.

Under the circs, I think it's wise to carefully consider not being alone with her.

I SECOND this! And, and, and! I would pronounce that to her, as well. "STBXW, based on your resent attempts to bastardize our sex life with your fantastic claim that I abused you, I have decided to restrict our meetings to public places or have a third party in the room." Let her know that you recognize the need to protect yourself against her slander. She'll say you are overreacting to which you will reply, "Gee, abused STBXW...wouldn't you feel safer that way, too? You're the one flying the abuse flag."

Greek