WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

I sense a shift in the W's attitude lately. Previously, her position seemed to be:

"The M made me do all these things (EA) - its not my fault - it all just happeend and I need to move on so I can be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't want to wait until my kids are all gone to have to find someone because I will be older, etc etc"

In other words, she wasn't to blame and these things just happen in life and you can't control them. It is just part of nature. Feelings just happen. Sorry about all this but I don't know what it is like to be in your (LBS) shoes. etc. etc. If you don't like it YOU can leave - I am here for my kids and not doing anything wrong, blah blah blah. It is YOUR problem if you think the situation isn't livable, etc.

This has basically been the script for hte past 12 months, until very recently.

Lately I have heard something slightly different from her:

"I don't want to keep hurting you, so I need to get on with my plan to S/D because we can't continue this way - it isn't good for our kids and not fair to you (or me)" Doing a little mind reading, I think she looks at it like she set this ball in motion and she needs to see it through because that is what she decided had to happen,e tc etc.

Something has broken through the ice to make her see that what she has been doing (hanging around in limboland, continuing to talk to OM, etc) is wrong and not fair to me. She has mentioned a couple of times over the past few weeks that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. She told my mother "I am not a good person". It tells me that she is carrying around a lot of guilt. Her guilt is a big obstacle to get over if she is going to decide to R some day. It is an unavoidable phase she would need to pass through, even though I would not try to throw salt in that wound.

Her birthday was yesterday. We went to dinner with her family the night before. I told her happy birthday when I first saw her in the morning, sent her a text during the day saying "I hope you are having a nice birthday today" to which she replied "Thank You".

I then bought her a gift during the day but no card. The gift is something she needs and wants. I had to meet someone for dinner so I got home around 8 and gave her the gift and she seemed to be really pleased. She has been nicer to me and our interactions have been more normal the past couple of days - we will see if it lasts.

I also know she is aggressively looking at rental properties online, and I found a blank rental applicaiton in her car from a property mgmt company. She is seriously considering leaving at this point, so I am just waiting for her to make a move.

I have no control over her actions, but I can control mine, and I have pretty much 'given up' to the fact that she is gone, so when she goes it will not be a shock if it happens but then I go into defense mode, responding to any legal actions she takes. If she doesn't take legal action, she is on her own (she can work more and support herself no problem). I won't support her financially at all and neither will her family, but I suspect she has visited with her L and she will push to file for Legal Separation to get financial support, to which I will respond with Divorce.

LS in my state is the same process as D - the paperwork is the same, and the only reason you would LS is if youneed to stay married for religious reasons, etc. but never planned to actually D. Why go through the hassle of LS if she moves out and thus communicates her intentions about the M's future? Divorce is the best way to go in that case - why delay the inevitable and waste money/energy on LS? I am getting ahead of myself, but preparing for eventual actions on her part.