Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Hi, all,
I'm new but have been lurking for several months and have been inspired by the stories and threads on here. I have been on a couple other website forums and they both help but one thinks I am crazy for thinking he's coming back. The other was a tad too forceful if I didn't do things 100% the way they said (i.e. I exposed the A to our families and friends but refuse to expose his A to his work...and the people started snubbing me and said I didn't really want my marriage bad enough).

Anyway, besides getting support from you all, the other reason why I am starting a thread is that maybe someone will read it one day who is in the same unfortunate circumstances and it will help to keep them patient...hopeful...and maybe I will have a "happy ending".

Okay so my story :SHORT version- WH started an EA last summer with a coworker and it turned to a PA. DDays were Jan 1 when he said he wanted to work on us, but then took it underground and I found out Mar 17. So I kicked him out b/c he couldn't choose between us and didnt want to stop contacting her. OUr baby was born July 6 (HE WANTED to start a family back in October!) and he has mentioned wanting to come back, thinking we should D, all over the place. Currently he has moved out now for 8.5 months. I let him see his baby boy whenever he wants because I am not going to put our son in the middle (been there growing up) and I want him to bond with him.

My deadline for him is Jan 1 but he doesn't know. I will file for D if he doesn't come back by then.

LONG story: last summer (08) husband started becoming a good friend to OW from work while she was going through marriage problems.She is very sexually aggressive, meaning constantly sprinkles sexual innuendos in coversation, pretends to give blowjobs while eating, brags about her sexual moves, wears suggestive clothing. As she gets to know him, she tells him how her dad raped her repeatedly while growing up, about her drug phase, etc. She has a 3 year old. Her ex-husband went to jail (is out now)for having sex with a 15 year old.

My husband felt sorry for her and wanted to help be a positive influence on her. (at first) But turns out they have some interests in common--video games, some rock music, a love of rollercoasters, OMG he thinks he found his soulmate!!!

Meanwhile, I was aware of their friendship but trying not to be the insecure jealous type. I told him I was uncomfortable with all the text messages and phone calls she was making; they stopped for awhile.

October (08) comes and my H tells me he is ready to start a family. Guess what--we got pregnant the first time we tried! I find out on Halloween and he isn't overjoyed...but politely happy. Over the next couple of months he starts acting distant, questioning why we got married, says we would be great at co-parenting, and I did not put 2 and 2 together! I thought he was having cold feet about the pregnancy.

So finally on New Year's, things come out...he says he's in love with her, that he didn't mean for it to happen. I make him choose and he reluctantly chose me. We try counseling but they aren't so good with infidelity (I was told to put on a sexy negligie to get his libido going...)He wasn't coming around so I break into our cell phone account online (he had changed the password) on March 17 while he is on a work trip. Her number is all over the place. He had been deleting phone records on his cell phone when I checked.

This time when I give the ultimatum he is confused so I make him leave for a couple of days and then I leave for a few more..we had a new counselor appt. scheduled for the following week. He said at first he wanted to go to "make his heart match his brain" b/che knew that staying with me, his pregnant wife, was the right thing to do but his heart was saying to go for this relationship where he'd never felt the passion like he did with her...what if? what if..gasp, sputter, shake...she's his one true love that he has been waiting for his whole life?!

Okay sorry this is so long. But he moved out,we started divorce paperwork but never finished it and he said he wasfine with that. I stopped talking or seeing him except for our labor classes and dr. appts. He moves in for 3 weeks to be with our baby who was born first week in July. He admits that he's thought of returning but he made too much of a mess. I assure him that my family and friends want us to reconcile and we could--he is a good person who made a bad mistake. A few days later he says he's not ready but he knows it's wrong to expect me to wait for him.

I don't know what to think but then I discovered this website. He comes over 6/7 days per week, spends all day Saturday and half of Sunday here. About 4 weeks ago he brings up the D paperwork and says he just has to fill it out. I cry and talk about how sad it will be for our son.

A couple of weeks later he brings over the parenting plan we drafted in the spring when I thought we were divorcing. He doesn't take it out of the bag but says we need to start preparing for him to take him one day per week. I am torn on this; we aren't divorced, what do I do? But I agreed to let him take our baby for 4 hours on Saturday. My only reasoning is that he can start to experience the divorced dad's life and I KNOW he will be taking our baby to see OW. But I am still wanting to see what will happen over the holidays...I just haven't done a dark plan B yet because I wanted him to bond with our newborn AND NOT do it at her house. All of this time, he has been coming over here.

So now I think I can try this until January and then, I must do a dark plan B and file for D....I guess.