Can I save my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I also did a bad thing last night, after he left I called him and apologized for any hurt he was feeling . . .

WHY?? Why is HIS hurt, YOUR responsibility?

His hurt, in this instance, is due to the disapproval of his co-workers towards him. Which is a DIRECT consequence to his infidelity and his own selfish, boorish behavior.

Can you see where this is NOT your fault, and NOT something you need to apologize for???

Puppy

[Coach]

B54, Your H controls you by getting upset. You trained him that for him to get his way all he has to do is get upset/sad/angry and you will get right in line. You will defer your own feelings to suck up to him. You are not responsible for his feelings.

[Lll54]

You're right. When he gets upset/sad/frustrated he takes it out in anger towards me. I've always known that. The reason I felt like I had to apologize was because one of the things I've been working on myself is less drama. Less letting people running my life. Less caring what people think of me. Live my life for me. I have been doing so well. And I feel like I slipped up that night. And by writing that email I was not following through with one of the changes I want to make in myself. I shouldn't have cared what they thought about me crying. I know he was angry cause he saw some of what they wrote about him and took it out on me. I tried to explain to him that I can't control what they say or do, only what I say or do. And all I did was apologize. But it looks bad. I see his point of view too. He was starting to come around. Invited me to this banquet and has now been dealing with the repercussions since sat. All the guys at work are coming up to him.."so heard Britt was crying the other night..why?" And he doesn't want to deal with that, and neither do I. I messed up that night. But I don't know how to fix it.

I also know he should have not been going through my emails. But I didn't even have a chance to confront him with that cause it instantly got into the conversation about how upset he is with me and how he saw change and now doesn't anymore.

I feel like I have taken 6 steps forward since he left and went one back sat. night. But I'm still 5 steps ahead...

[Lll54]

Trent, if you're reading this. I miss your words of advice. I know you set a boundary with me. But I would really appreciate some input into last nights events. Thanks in advance.

[chatterbug]

Okay. Thanks. Will do.

That may be a big road trip. I live up here in Canada.

Me too. I have an open schedule

[Ready2Change]

A week man will cross his boundaries. I hope TrentC shows his strength.

[Kettricken]

Britt, I would strongly advise you to listen up to what Coach and Puppy are telling you here.

I don't care what you did. As long as it wasn't infidelity, planning to gut his bank accounts, kidnap his kids, or have him whacked, he had less than no business in your email. Beyond that, it doesn't MATTER what you said in those emails. Maybe you didn't behave up to your own standards, but that is between you and you, and you and your girlfriends, NOT you and him.

LET HIM BE MAD. You didn't set out to anger him, and all this is a direct consequence of his own choices.

Has it ever occured to you that trying to take responsiblity for and manage someone else's emotions like that is a form of trying to control them? Even though it doesn't seem like it on the surface, it IS disrespectful, when you think about it.

Also, totally agree with Coach. Your h. has you so figured out, he knows exactly which buttons to push. "Well, I was thinking we might make it, but now you've killed that possibility." Do you know how many times I've read that on here? You can't let yourself be yanked around by every shift in his wind direction like this. Two people acting from raw emotion and being all reactive to each other is so much messier than one. You CAN control your half.

[Ready2Change]

I agree, but I think last night was detrimental and my marriage may be over.

This thought process is not healthy. Read these words "THEY WILL BE DONE".

I need so much help right now on what to do I can't even explain it.

We are here for you.

When I got home he was in a rage

Protect yourself. He needs to deal with this and you do not.

So now I don't know what to do. He is soooo mad at me.

Step away from the sitch. Do not give him a target for his anger. You may want to consider restraining orders.

I am a mess. I haven't slept in 24 hours.

This is normal and understandable. Go see a Doctor. I went the day after the bomb. It is very important to keep your emotions in check, get good sleep, get exercise and take care of YOU during this very difficult time of your life.

What do I do? I have changed! I feel like a better person

Keep making positive changes

but I'm scared to death that I have lost my husband now once and for all.

FACE THIS FEAR. Until you let go of the control you want over him, things will continue to move you toward what you fear. DO THE RIGHT THING.

[Lll54]

Thanks R2C, when I said rage. I didn't quite mean it like that. He was just really angry. He would never be violent or take it out wrongly, he is a police officer. He is a good person. He was just mad. When I said rage, I just meant more mad than normal.

Its almost as if everything has been going so good,and i've been making the necessary changes and he was just sitting and waiting for me to screw up. And sure enough...I did.

I take too much responsibility for this whole situation. I take full responsibility for not logging out of my email last night. That's the only way he got in, cause he doesn't know my password. I should have covered my tracks, but at the same time, He shouldn't have gone in there. And I didn't say anything bad about him he just heard bad talk from other people. Its a shame he is taking it out on me.

Just a question for you experienced ones that have been through a lot and have read and seen more than I, do you think this email sitch is detrimental to my marriage? My best friend thinks not, she thinks I just need to give him time to simmer down, and keep doing what I'm doing. But I want to know what some of you think?

Kettricken, you're right. He does know what buttons to push. Its too bad I let him push them. That is a new goal I'm going to set, maybe a new 180! No reacting to those button pushing situations. Its new to me so it may take some work. Do I just let him be now? No contact except for the kids?

[Ready2Change]

"The past is history, the future is a mystery and right now is a gift. That is why they call it the present." - Kung Fu Panda

Stay in the present. What is done is done. SO WHAT/NOW WHAT.

Keep focusing on positive change to you. Take your focus off of HIM and put it on YOU. Go do things that that make YOU happy.

This is a time in the R to reduce negative emotions. Take a vacation from the R to allow this to happen.