Changing Man

[Gardener]

Thank you, Gima
I was just so appalled and livid when I got home last night.
And, yep. 72 hours this time.

Last night I said I would call & apologize to steps if I offended and that I was acting joyfully and lovingly from our old normal family life and not this uncharted new "norm". STBXW told me not to. Apologize the next time you hear from them but not until then, she said. This a.m. I thought, Bullchit. I don't take into account her opinions or preferences anymore."

And, by the way, stepD did call me the following week after the visit and we talked for almost two hours. No mention of the visit other than how great it was to see her and Adeline!

When I was D'ed the first time and married STBXW, my sons wrote me off because of their mothers poison. Boy, did that hurt. STBXW, to her credit would always comfort me with one sentence, "They'll be back," She was right. My stepkids will be back as well (if, indeed, they are even gone).

Buying the DB spew coat today: a purchase I've put off far too long.

No, we've never met, Gima. I hope we do someday as you are a true friend.

[Gardener]

Puppy,

I'm not buying it either. Typical wayward "script" for them to claim what others are saying about you.I also think you should speak with them directly.Puppy

Nor am I. As I told Gima, StepD called me the following week and we talked for almost two hours. I think, however, I may email them. One email to all 3 (stepd, stepd's partner, StepS)

And the two hour conversation (or rather her email the following day) is when she replied to my statement of the Bomb coming "out of the blue" last year: "From what I know she clearly and regularly communicated happiness and concern over your relationship over an extended period of time.:"
I resisted replying, "Maybe to you. But not to me she didn't!"

[Deep]

I don't really post in your thread Gardener, but am doing so to add some words of encouragement.

Painful though it may be, in some ways, her behaviour can be seen as a (horrible) variant of the WAS theme.

"I've never loved you"
"I tolerated being with you all this time" (either for the kids or whatever)
"You've never appreciated me or treated me with respect"
"You never considered my feelings"
"You never listened to me"
"You kept buying Coke instead of Pepsi. You know I hate Coke".

That last one would be just about as "abusive" as spooning. Thing is, when we're the weak LBS we all were, and even when we think we're stronger, it's all too easy to actually consider the merits of WAS's point and "look at our own contribution to the breakdown of the M".

I'm not saying there is always no truth in what WASs say. Valid or invalid, it is immaterial in that the WAS has long decided to use that as a weapon. She/he is not interested in the truth or resolution of said faults. The fog is their life and they're not going to let you cut the thread upon which their world is hanging.

[PainfulDusk]

((gardener))

I saw ur plea and read thru ur sitch. I dont have much advice to offer, but wanted to give you a hug and my support. I do agree with puppy and think you should speak to ur family directly.

Dusk

[Gardener]

iwitw,

Do so. If you don't like the way mediation is going, then get up and WALK OUT.

Oh, I will.

I'll never bad mouth my STBXW to them, or my daughter, and suggest you do the same and take the high road as others have suggested.

Yep. Never have. Never would. Never will. If anything I remind them that she is hurting more than any of us know.

Gardner needs to find himself and some peace through this process, now, what can you do to work on that?

I am at peace (though I wasn't last night).
Detachment, going dark, and GALing go into overdrive starting today!

Thanks.

[Gardener]

(((Serenity)))

(((Gardener)))

Nice to see you this morning - How are you feeling today?

I want you to know that once you make a decision, regardless of what that may be, I am behind you 100%.

You have made a fantastic effort to hold your marriage together with class and dignity and you should feel nothing but pride.:)

Thank you, sweetie. I am fine today. I am so grateful and humbled at the way "the troops" rallied for me last night and this morning, you have no idea.

[Gardener]

Maybe you should change your handle to "Garden Snake."

Funny one, Coach, Hmm...I dunno, Do you have a thing with snakes? Earlier this week re: FOOs, it was "Here there be snakes," and know this.
Should Greek be worried?

Thanks.

[Gardener]

Thank, you, dusk. I will. And believe me, the way I felt last night, it certainly was a plea!
And you all charged in like the Cavalry,
Thank you.

[Gardener]

Deep,

That last one would be just about as "abusive" as spooning. Thing is, when we're the weak LBS we all were, and even when we think we're stronger, it's all too easy to actually consider the merits of WAS's point and "look at our own contribution to the breakdown of the M".

True. But in my case in the beginning it was more than considering the merits, it was like, "It must all be my fault!"

The fog is their life

Very well (and succinctly) put.
Thanks.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

I think the only thing I might add is avoid being alone with her. If she's that unstable, she just might ask for a restraining order if she sees anything she interprets as threatening. This is going to be a bumpy ride- protect yourself.

Wow. You're right. Hadn't thought of that. Thank you.