K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

Ok, turns out my BIL is coming in on Saturday at 1:30. So I will have to uninvite my W today. I was hoping to get away with the excuse he isn't coming in til Sunday since he was looking at changing times. But oh well, no biggie.

W called me to ask how D7 was doing this morning. I said she is doing ok. W said she is pissed off at her mom for doing this again to D7. W said her mom didn't even call her, she got a text message saying to tell D7 she wouldn't make the grandparents lunch.

Last night when told about this I sent a text to W saying her mom needs to tell her, not us. W didn't respond. Then I finally told D7. Then I let W know that D7 has been informed and then W was all of a sudden available to talk about it and she bashed her mom and her family. I did not participate in the bashing. I only discussed D7's reaction and feelings.

W said she is going to take D7 to her favorite place to eat tonight. Thats good, but it doesn't make up for the fact that D7 is doing quite well considering what she doesn't have a choice in with us being separated and yet she is still getting constantly slighted by her own grandma and D11 on top of what she is having to deal with.

W tells me that her and her mom had been arguing all day yesterday and then that she also gets slighted and her sister does not. I'm sitting here thinking, yes, but you are at least an adult. This is a 7 year old girl who just wants to be loved and accepted like everyone else.

Frusturating.

Kevin

[K4D]

So, if your dad bailed on your daughter you would have your W break the news if your dad wouldn't?

Your W's mom - your W's job if her own mother doesn't even have the courtesy to contact D7.

If my dad were to do something like that, I would expect him to tell D7. But if he didn't, I would tell D7. The nice thing is, my dad would never do what W's mom does.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

You are missing the point.

Not that you can go back and change things now but you should have told your W no to the dinner y'day as now it may come off as you are getting back at her about the grandparents lunch.

And the next time she starts bitching about her family don't engage in the conversation AT ALL. Simply say, "W, I am sure it's tough to have such strife within your family but I would prefer to stay out of it and not hear about it anymore" If she keeps babbling on let her know that you have set that boundary and if she won't respect it then you will be ending the call.

See, your W still uses you when she needs to vent (EX: her family, her crappy paychecks) but any other time the conversation is dictated by her and her dictation is KIDS ONLY. She can't have it both ways and you will need to point that out to her by setting boundaries. Validate, set boundaries and move forward. You are no longer her sounding board or bitching post to her problems as per her request.

[K4D]

Do you think I should push the issue and tell W that her mom owes D7 an apology or just let it drop? Right now D7 has every reason to resent her grandma and W even agrees. The thing is, even if D7's grandma does apologize to her, the trend will just continue. It has never changed. Maybe there is no point in saying that the grandma owes D7 an apology because it may just build up false hope to D7 that her grandma actually cares about her and neither me nor W have seen any reason to believe she does.

You are right CG, I cannot allow W to use me as her sounding board anymore since she wants kid only talk. I have to get better at cutting her off when the conversation leaves the kids.

Kevin

[iwantittowork]

CityGirl, I like your style! Keep it comin'

[Startingover2]

Let the mom thing go...not your family, not your problem.

She will try and cake eat as long as YOU let her. Its hard, I know...been there and still there. My exh loves to be my buddy and then go back to his immoral life. I need to put a stop to that.

Go read my thread. I could use the input from others as well as show everyone where letting someone cake eat gets you...NOWHERE!

[K4D]

W just sent me an IM saying she is going to go have lunch with D7 today. That is at least good that W is trying to make it up to her.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Drop the grandmother issue with your W, D7 and in your own mind. You cannot control what the grandmother does and whatever R the grandmother has with your D7 is not for you to try and control, repair or meddle in. Tell your W you don't want to discuss in any further or hear about it. You can however encourage your D7 to talk about her feelings regarding this issue with the C. That would be the healthiest way to deal with it IMO.

There is no "making up for it". Since your dad is not local when a grandparent event does come up include him, even if via webcam. Not to "make up" for your W's flaky mom but to INCLUDE the other grandparents.

It's not so much about "cutting your W off" as it is about setting firm boundaries just as she has. If she chooses not to respect the boundaries you set THEN you can end the call/talk and let her know why.

If you keep doing this on a consistent basis your W's life will become very tough but then again, that is what she wanted so let her deal with her own stuff. My H still comes to me about his mom's drinking problem. I do feel bad about it because I know what it feels like to have an alcoholic parent, it's not easy and I know it's embarrassing to talk to just anybody about it. I always say the same thing..."H, I understand how tough it can be, I hope it all works out for the best". I don't suggest HE get counseling on how to deal with it (he should), I don't suggest Al-Anon (he should be there weekly) I just validate, let him know I can relate but I do nothing more. He wanted to be on his own with his GF then let her be his "rock".

[smith18]

Hypothetical question for Kevin...

If your W asked you to move back in today, would you do it?

[K4D]

W just IM'd me wanting to know what I am doing on Saturday up til 1pm. Ugg... I haven't responded.

Kevin