I am planning to have the Boundary talk with her later this week where I am going to put a time limit on how long I will allow this to go on before I take action myself.
You will have no effect on her because she knows you are indecisive.
You are dying on the vine here. Stop waiting to take action. Your wife wants you to fight for her and you still are on the sidelines waiting to see. I understand it is hard and seems counter-intuitive but setting boundaries is very effective. Would you rather set a boundary or explain to your kids why you didn't stand up to Mom and fight for your marriage and family? You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are right, it is hard and it does seem counter-intuitive when we do seem to get along right now. As to being indecisive, when she does want to talk about the situation now, I am beginning to see some of the real her come out of the fog, something I didn't see a month ago, someone with some reasoning, not totally clouded by the fantasy she dreams about. IF there is a chance that she will come around on her own, wouldn't that be a better outcome?
I'm not scared of this woman, just desparately in love with her and desparately wanting to make the right decisions.
Setting this type of boundary is end-game, getting myself psyched up for that is not easy. I get advice from her family to be patient, I get advice from my family and here to fire my last salvo. Guys, I am spent, this has taken me to the lowest of lows. After giving this marriage my all only to have some "virtual prick" 400 miles away threaten all I have worked for is devastating. My confidence and self-esteem, which used to be great are both virtually non-existent. I have lost nearly 40 lbs in 2 months and my blood pressure is through the roof to the point that I have daily headaches. So you see, putting it all on the line is tough.
Yes, I do want to fight for my kids, my wife, my marriage and for ME. If this goes south, I don't want to have any regrets. I want to know I did all I could.
It's not. It's the beginning of your new marriage.
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My confidence and self-esteem, which used to be great are both virtually non-existent.
Why????
Want to get it back, then stand up for yourself. What would you tell one of your buddies if he was in your shoes?
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IF there is a chance that she will come around on her own, wouldn't that be a better outcome?
No. She will hold you in contempt. She will be upset and scared because she wants to feel secure with you. Your family is being threatened by a predator and you just watched. She will be looking for that security in another man because she isn't getting that need filled by you.
You are trying to stop a divorce from happening. You are not trying to piece it back together now.
Setting a boundary will make you feel instantly better. Right now you are a victim because your are letting it happen to you. Once you realise you have a choice in how you let your wife treat you then you have your self-esteem, confidence and groove back. You are acting out of fear not love. Choose to love your wife and tell her that her actions are destructive to her, your kids, your family and you. You as the leader of your family are going to take action to prevent this from happening. It's your responsiblity. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Just FYI, I found the Boundaries series of books to be literally life-changing.
TODAY, go get "Boundaries In Marriage", and read it first. I read the whole thing over a weekend. The more general "Boundaries" book is excellent too, just in a broader sense.
I know it talks about letting the spouse have the control, not enforcing boundaries, etc. And it covers affairs, be they emotional or physical. So, so much good stuff in that book!
You need to figure out what your line in the sand is. And trust me I know where you are coming from. It took me forever (almost 2 years!!!!) to REALLY grasp what it meant to know my boundaries and enforce them. I am still learning and putting it into practice.
You need to know 100% that you are not letting her run off across the country with your kids. She needs to know that if she goes, good luck with that, but the kids stay here with me...
Remember, you have been catering to her throughout your marriage, you said yourself. Ask yourself, HOW IS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU??? There is probably nothing you could say or do coming from a place of self-respect and healthy boundaries that could cause more damage to your situatution that what has already happened when you were living without any boundaries...having them lets you know what you are and are not willing to stand for. It gives you stability in place of the back/forth you are going through now.
Does anyone have any thoughts on exposing the affair to the OM's wife and family?
The thinking around here is to tell the other spouse. No reason for her to be kept in the dark, it involves her directly and she can do what she wants with the information. Don't tell the family it's not their business. Don't believe your wife. Not a fun conversation but a crucial one. The situation has consequences for both marriages and you have a responsisbility to inform another person. Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know? You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Cheating spouses FREQUENTLY lie about what they've told their spouse, and how they characterize their marriage (will frequently portray it as WAY worse than it is to their affair partner); I'd say well over 75% of the time.
