Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Woke up early today because I had the girls and had to get them off to school. In the shower my thoughts centered on W and I had a comforting thought.

W is an extremely hard person to get to know. She's very, very reserved. She has lots of casual friends but few close friends. In her whole life, she's had perhaps two serious relationships and the other one was only a few months.

I'm the only one who has penetrated that wall and for a long, long, long time, I was the only one she really trusted.

I blew that somewhere along the way and, I see now, by trying harder and harder to make her happy I chipped away at her self-esteem because she didn't see what I was doing as love, she saw it as an indictment on her ability to handle home, work and family.

Today, what she's doing is trying to prove to me and herself that she can handle all of these things without me.

When things get tough I'm still the one she calls. I know she says she never loved me, but I know that's not true. That's the fog obscuring her feelings.

For some reason, today I feel 99.9 percent sure the fog will lift some day. She may prove to herself that she can handle everything alone. But will she ever find someone who will put in the work to break through that wall and then, once inside, continue to work to stay there?

I also realize that it's going to take a long time and some unforseen event. She has so many things in front of her each day, there's really little time to reflect.

But I know in my heart some day she will realize that I was the one willing to break through that wall she carries around her.

The question then becomes where am I in life. It could be one year, five years, 10 years from now.

It's not as if I'm going to sit and wait. I've told friends I'm closing no doors in my life. If someone comes along that can help me fill my life with happiness and be a positive addition to my girls' lives, then I'll explore it.

But I also made a promise to God that I would love W forever and I will. I think this will help me when I see her face-to-face. That person I love is in that body, behind that wall. Yes, it's a rejection and it'll always be painful. But I knew from the start that W was a damaged person. That was part of what drew me to her. I can't give up on her now. So when I see her, that's what needs to be in my heart and showing on my face. Love. Not puppy-dog, sad-eyed, pet me on the head love, but understanding love.

Does that make sense?