Yes Saffie I have heard of Retrovaille and tried to get my H to go when he first told me in January he was unhappy as I was starting to change my behaviors. Even sent in deposit again couple of weeks before he moved out in September. But he wasnt interested. Puppy, you are helpful as usual with clarifying how I keep turning it to what I want from him. Re: what is the thing God himself would have me do?--I honestly believe God would want me to save my marriage, stay through better or worse, and forgive as He forgives. How that translates into my behavior is what I am struggling with. I dont feel I am doing anything God would not want me to do at this point--I am not lying or pretending. However, what did occur to me is: am I being immoral if I were to be intimate with him again--he is my H, I am still married but I definitely dont want to give even tacit agreement by default to adultery/open marriage. SOme of the posts on the board talk about intimacy as a good thing. Now I am so confused about that to. Your are right about the fear. I am afraid of losing him and I am working hard on the fear but it intrudes at times.
ALso, I do know what I want, I want him to give me as much of a shot at a R with him as he is giving the Ow. In counselling, I want to start to heal, to have some help with proper detachment and to have more advice like you all have been giving me about how to set boundaries, work on myself etc. Still, having a conversation with him in terms of thinking through where we are or where we are going is like trying to talk to a 15 year old boy right now--he is so into what "feels" happy. My H isnt a man who gets angry or antagonized --I can barely count the times in our 30 year marriage. He just denies his feelings--he wants things light and superficial in many ways. He doesnt think things through on any deep level--he is a bright, rational, practical man but not in touch with his feelings and not a writer or very verbal or able to project out consequences very far. Hence, I dont think he really thought about the impact on our kids if the OW had showed up at the funeral (and was truly shocked when I explained how it would hurt them and me) and I dont think he can see that "having no plan" doesnt bring you closer to deciding. I do think I need to stop with trying to figure this process out and where it is going and take care of myself.
Do you think these are steps towards detaching? I no longer am afraid of being alone, coming home to an empty house. I can imagine myself divorced and happy now, even imagine myself as a older lady with lots of gfs. When he leaves the house or I dont hear from him., I am not getting blue.
Do I think WHAT are steps toward detaching? I'm not seeing any. I see you continuing to want to be intimate with someone who is cheating on you, continuing to want to pursue him (in MC, and elsewhere). Maybe I missed it; please point out to me what the "these" are in your post.
NOTE: the "What would God Himself have you do" is meant to be a daily, situational concept. I agree that, broadly, God hates marriage and most likely wants us to fight for our marriages. I'm referring to, "IN THIS SITUATION, what would God have me do?"
Broadly, Jesus forgave the adulteress. SITUATIONALLY, He told her to "go and sin no more," while he simultaneously treated her with love and compassion.
Broadly, Jesus was a pacifist. SITUATIONALLY, He turned over the moneychangers' tables in a fit of righteous indignation when He saw them as an abomination in His Father's temple.
Finally,
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ALso, I do know what I want, I want him to give me as much of a shot at a R with him as he is giving the Ow. In counselling, I want to start to heal, to have some help with proper detachment and to have more advice like you all have been giving me about how to set boundaries, work on myself etc. Still, having a conversation with him in terms of thinking through where we are or where we are going is like trying to talk to a 15 year old boy right now--he is so into what "feels" happy.
I would say that he's going to pretty much BE a lovestruck 15 year old boy right now, so long as he is having an affair. I think your goals for counseling are going to be unrealistic as long as your husband's brain is all awash in "loooove" endorphines. Even Retrouvaille won't accept a couple's registration application if one of them is still in an active affair.
