Just saw your post, and first off, I'm sorry. Painful stuff to hear. I don't blame you for being angry, hurt, pi$$ed off. So, stick to the 48/72 hour rule. It will serve you well.
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She is seeing to it that she alienates my beloved StepS and StepD.
I see no reason why you cannot have your own discussion with StepS and StepD. Who cares what your STBX says/feels about this. Your R with your Steps is b/w you and them. If THEY tell you they do not want to have a R with you, then be respectful of that, as much as it may hurt. I suspect they will not tell you that.
I will tell you from my experience as that StepS, when my mother D'd my step father, my mother spewed lots of venom, bad talked him openly to me and my sib's. Not knowing any better, and of course my own mother wouldn't lie to me right, we bought her trash for a while. My Step father conducted himself honorably, never said a bad word about my mother. Eventually, we learned the truth about what happened. And, me and my sib's either have no R with our mother or a very strained one. We all have a great R with my Step father.
I can tell you from personal experience two things. First, the fact my step father never said one cross thing about my mother, even though I would not have blamed him, has made a life long impression on me. Second, your steps WILL eventually learn the truth. It may take time, but they will uncover it. The question is how you want to be perceived when they learn the truth. Govern your actions now with that in mind. Take the high road.
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Tonight I'm told by STBXW (or rather, she tells mediator), that they are all disgusted that I showed up unannounced and uninvited and were appalled. My family!
I'm not buying this. And you shouldn't either. Have any of your steps said anything to indicate this to you? Have a discussion with them about this. If they are uncomfortable, be respectful of their wishes. If they truly have a problem with you, I don't think there would be any doubt in your mind. Ask them.
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As you may know, my S,30 was recently WAW'ed and was served yesterday. STBXW has spent a lot of time with WAW DIL, dinners, lunches, on the phone etc. Both immediately before WAW and since (coincidence?). Anyway, my son tells me two weeks ago that my STBXW is spending all this time with his STBXW and has never even called him to say she's sorry or "How are you holding up?" "Is gender more important to her than 17 years of stepson/stepmother relationship?", son says to me?
This is, well, just plain wrong. Now, it's nothing you can control, but it is wrong.
So, let me get this straight. You are a disguisting example of a human being who better not maintain any R with HER family, but it's ok for her to meddle in you family's business? Hmmm. Don't think so.
Again, take the high road. Call her on it when the chance arises, but take the high road.
Your S is a big boy. Coming from him, she might, might, listen. But, the point is not to change her mind. The point is to point out that what she's doing is wrong and that your S will hold her accountable for it.
Then let it go. I hesitate to even say that b/c it involves your S. As hard as it is, let it go.
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She dreaded coming home to me every night last year (excuse me, I had undiagnosed depression!).
"For better or WORSE." Waaaahhhhh. Understand this for what it is. WAS script and/or re-writing history. I would not give this any more thought or energy. It's garbage.
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But wait!!! The very next day she tells this to her female IC who tells her that that is SEXUAL ABUSE.
Bullchit! I agree with the others on this. She should be thankful you were still attracted to her. If the whole D process weren't so painful, this would actually be humorous.
She's fishing for ANY and EVRY justification for leaving. And if that reason happens to come from an IC (who we know knows everything in a god-like status), then all the better. Revisionist history greases the tracks of D. Just step back and look at her statement when you can be more objective.
And, NO, you aren't crazy, as much as she would like you to be, you aren't.
She is DEEP in the fog. And she is pi$$ed. Put on that spew coat. It's going to get worse and more outlandish.
It's time to take care of you. That means you do the things that will help YOU. If you want a R with your steps (and I know you do), then make the effort. To he!! with your STBXW. Respect your steps wishes. Just leave the door open if they push back for now.
I will continue to pray for you. You WILL make it through this, and you will be muchbetter off once you do. I've never met you Gardener, but you strike me as a caring, loving person. Right now, maybe a little too caring. Take back your feelings. She will not nurture them. You have to.
