Changing Man

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

Just saw your post, and first off, I'm sorry. Painful stuff to hear. I don't blame you for being angry, hurt, pi$$ed off. So, stick to the 48/72 hour rule. It will serve you well.

She is seeing to it that she alienates my beloved StepS and StepD.

I see no reason why you cannot have your own discussion with StepS and StepD. Who cares what your STBX says/feels about this. Your R with your Steps is b/w you and them. If THEY tell you they do not want to have a R with you, then be respectful of that, as much as it may hurt. I suspect they will not tell you that.

I will tell you from my experience as that StepS, when my mother D'd my step father, my mother spewed lots of venom, bad talked him openly to me and my sib's. Not knowing any better, and of course my own mother wouldn't lie to me right, we bought her trash for a while. My Step father conducted himself honorably, never said a bad word about my mother. Eventually, we learned the truth about what happened. And, me and my sib's either have no R with our mother or a very strained one. We all have a great R with my Step father.

I can tell you from personal experience two things. First, the fact my step father never said one cross thing about my mother, even though I would not have blamed him, has made a life long impression on me. Second, your steps WILL eventually learn the truth. It may take time, but they will uncover it. The question is how you want to be perceived when they learn the truth. Govern your actions now with that in mind. Take the high road.

Tonight I'm told by STBXW (or rather, she tells mediator), that they are all disgusted that I showed up unannounced and uninvited and were appalled. My family!

I'm not buying this. And you shouldn't either. Have any of your steps said anything to indicate this to you? Have a discussion with them about this. If they are uncomfortable, be respectful of their wishes. If they truly have a problem with you, I don't think there would be any doubt in your mind. Ask them.

As you may know, my S,30 was recently WAW'ed and was served yesterday. STBXW has spent a lot of time with WAW DIL, dinners, lunches, on the phone etc. Both immediately before WAW and since (coincidence?). Anyway, my son tells me two weeks ago that my STBXW is spending all this time with his STBXW
and has never even called him to say she's sorry or "How are you holding up?" "Is gender more important to her than 17 years of stepson/stepmother relationship?", son says to me?

This is, well, just plain wrong. Now, it's nothing you can control, but it is wrong.

So, let me get this straight. You are a disguisting example of a human being who better not maintain any R with HER family, but it's ok for her to meddle in you family's business? Hmmm. Don't think so.

Again, take the high road. Call her on it when the chance arises, but take the high road.

Your S is a big boy. Coming from him, she might, might, listen. But, the point is not to change her mind. The point is to point out that what she's doing is wrong and that your S will hold her accountable for it.

Then let it go. I hesitate to even say that b/c it involves your S. As hard as it is, let it go.

She dreaded coming home to me every night last year (excuse me, I had undiagnosed depression!).

"For better or WORSE." Waaaahhhhh. Understand this for what it is. WAS script and/or re-writing history. I would not give this any more thought or energy. It's garbage.

But wait!!! The very next day she tells this to her female IC who tells her that that is SEXUAL ABUSE.

Bullchit! I agree with the others on this. She should be thankful you were still attracted to her. If the whole D process weren't so painful, this would actually be humorous.

She's fishing for ANY and EVRY justification for leaving. And if that reason happens to come from an IC (who we know knows everything in a god-like status), then all the better. Revisionist history greases the tracks of D. Just step back and look at her statement when you can be more objective.

And, NO, you aren't crazy, as much as she would like you to be, you aren't.

She is DEEP in the fog. And she is pi$$ed. Put on that spew coat. It's going to get worse and more outlandish.

It's time to take care of you. That means you do the things that will help YOU. If you want a R with your steps (and I know you do), then make the effort. To he!! with your STBXW. Respect your steps wishes. Just leave the door open if they push back for now.

I will continue to pray for you. You WILL make it through this, and you will be muchbetter off once you do. I've never met you Gardener, but you strike me as a caring, loving person. Right now, maybe a little too caring. Take back your feelings. She will not nurture them. You have to.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tonight I'm told by STBXW (or rather, she tells mediator), that they are all disgusted that I showed up unannounced and uninvited and were appalled. My family!

I'm not buying this. And you shouldn't either. Have any of your steps said anything to indicate this to you? Have a discussion with them about this. If they are uncomfortable, be respectful of their wishes. If they truly have a problem with you, I don't think there would be any doubt in your mind. Ask them.

I'm not buying it either. Typical wayward "script" for them to claim what others are saying about you.

I also think you should speak with them directly.

Puppy

[SpyBunny]

Oh, wow- I'm so sorry, Gardener.

I don't think I can add anything new to what the others have already said- don't waste energy over the massive rewriting of history, be respectful of step-kid wishes (they just may be brain-washed at this point but will come around eventually), and help your S set a boundary with your W (let him handle it but be there in support and as an example of a man of strength and honor as we all know you are!).

I think the only thing I might add is avoid being alone with her. If she's that unstable, she just might ask for a restraining order if she sees anything she interprets as threatening. This is going to be a bumpy ride- protect yourself.

Take care of yourself, I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Hugs-
Bunny

[Gardener]

Mindful, Thank you,

Classic re-write of history to suit her needs/WANTS!

Yeah, the demonizing is now on in full-court press

How did the mediator respond to this?

Interestingly, the one time I brought up a non-mediating, personal issue she cut me off as it being irrelevant. Wife, she lets prattle on and cry. Next time that happens I will challenge it.

I agree that you need to, in an honorable way, have an adult conversation with those step-children, and let them know that you still "loving" them, by showing up to celebrate the new baby, supporting their new lives, etc... was nothing but your way to continue to "love" them. They may be unwelcoming of it (because of the stbxw poison), but you did and do what's natural.

I will, but I am (and should have been) mindful of the fact that I was not invited, so I will address that. After I married my STBXW and my sons wrote me off (yes, this is my 2nd M & 2nd D), my STBXW would always say, "They'll be back." She was right. My stepkids, if they are indeed gone, will also be back.
Thanks.

[Gardener]

Thank you, Lotus.
Amen.

[iwantittowork]

Gardner

I can't add much that has not already been said, but I think it's time you focus on you as much as possible. You can't change what she is doing, and is saying, but you don't have to accept it either. That's going to be tough.

Interestingly, the one time I brought up a non-mediating, personal issue she cut me off as it being irrelevant. Wife, she lets prattle on and cry. Next time that happens I will challenge it.

Do so. If you don't like the way mediation is going, then get up and WALK OUT. I'll say this to after starting down the mediation road myself, especially with someone in the state your STBXW is, that you need to be aware that mediation may not work at all, and then be ready from your side to take charge and lead from a position of strength for what YOU want as this continues forward, to protect yourself and your kids.

Good luck, I have heard most of what your hearing now, as I have SS as well, and how they 'agreed' with there mom about what a SOB I was. Just as in your case, of course they agreed, she is there mother!

I'll never bad mouth my STBXW to them, or my daughter, and suggest you do the same and take the high road as others have suggested.

Gardner needs to find himself and some peace through this process, now, what can you do to work on that?

[Gardener]

You say "Last year, she suddenly hated it". Did she communicate this to you at all over the past year? If so, then I kinda have a problem with you "sometimes" fooling with her on purpose and lying about it ("it's involuntary!"). I wouldn't call it sexual abuse, but it does feel like you were violating a poorly-communicated boundary.

No, no, no.When it quickly sunk in that she rejected it (and wasn't just having a bad week or two),I stopped. I can't speak to what may have - and - did happen asleep at, say 4:am, though.

Of course, if she didn't say anything at all to you about it, then I'm not sure what you could have done differently. I haven't kept up with your sitch, but just reading the last few pages shows me that she has some horrible issues that she is not dealing with at all.

Definitely. Sad, but true.

Thank you.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Nice to see you this morning - How are you feeling today?

I want you to know that once you make a decision, regardless of what that may be, I am behind you 100%.

You have made a fantastic effort to hold your marriage together with class and dignity and you should feel nothing but pride.

[Coach]

Gardener,
(humor injection)

Maybe you should change your handle to "Garden Snake."

[Serenity13]

LOL @ Coach