Question

[awest1217]

We will be on a roller coaster forever because that is life. I just pray H will join in the same car as me. Believe me I know the strides that have taken place. I am so much stronger than I used to be, and really so much more in love if that can be possible. And so many goals are being met, which is awesome...but patience!

My strength really comes from God. Whenever I am down, I get in my car and there is a song to remind me about my goal. One is "One Life to Love" and this morning I was listening to my "Glee" CD, :), and I hit a button which turned to a radio station I don't usually listen to. It was playing "Bleeding Love", which I love the dance done to that on my favorite show SYTYCD, anyway...how it says "you cut me open and I keep bleeding love". It reminded me once again that every time H does cut me, more love pours out. I just keep bleeding love all over everything I touch, which is not because of me...but because of God and the strength He gives me everyday. He loves me so I can love others.

Teaching is going well. My students have finals tomorrow and Monday starts a new trimester, which is good because some of my classes are driving me nuts, but bad because almost all of my classes next tri have 30 students, which is hard because I don't have a lab room.

[awest1217]

Well tonight was eventful on the S side...lol. Normal toddler stuff. I was taking a shower and he found a pen. He usually is so good, but he drew all over the wall leading upstairs. I could not believe it. I took a picture and sent it to H with a cute note saying how I was lucky for so long, but the "normal" kid stuff was bound to happen sometime.

S is back to not wanting to fall asleep unless he is with me (always happens when H sees him). He was almost asleep when he went to take a drink from his cup and hit his lip against his teeth. Then he started crying and kept saying "I want my daddy". I said I would call H so S could talk to him (S is very vocal). I called, but no answer so I left a message. About 5 minutes later, H calls and I right away let S talk without saying anything. First thing S says is "daddy up". H says he can't, but talks to him for a while and then S starts saying how he wants me and was fine. I talked to H, said thank you for talking to S and asked about his day. I just listened and commiserated (he had a bad day). Then he asked if he could do anything else, and I said no and thank you again for talking to S. He said how glad he was to be able to help and call anytime. Also said let him know if I can't get the pen off the wall because he really wants to help me fix it. More proof he is trying...now if we could just get rid of OW things would be awesome!

Either way things are going well. We are even flirting a little. Nothing big, but at least it is something so continuing to be cautiously optimistic. Still only calling when it deals with S, but slowly working out of LRT as H keeps doing his part.

[ClingingToHope]

You are doing very well. I'm actually very jealous because you are making such progress and my only progress is in accepting my fate.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, God does provide the strength to get thru trials. I know that's the only reason why I'm still standing today. So many people are praying for our R, and although God does not always answer in the way we want and in our timing, he gives us the strength to get thru that. Sometimes I forget to give him the glory for that. Thanks for that reminder.

Lol. S's are sure fun but they sure make life interesting too. I haven't been able to leave S alone for more than 15 seconds or he'll get himself in trouble (maybe b/c he's still young? or just a mischievious little boy? haha). It's good that H was willing to be there for S over the phone. It's a small step to becoming that great father he used to be.

Well if things go the way they are 'suppose' to go, as he draws closer to you and S, that should leave less room physically and emotionally for OW. Just keep up those boundaries you've started and take one day at a time. Another great day of progress for you. Yay! =)

[awest1217]

S can be mischevious, but he really is a great kid! I told him when he was newborn he wasn't allowed to have "terrible twos" or rough teenage years because he was colicy and cried pretty much non stop for 6 weeks so he used his "bad" times when he was firstborn and is not allowed anymore. Lol

More on S that just breaks my heart. First thing he said when he woke up this morning is "daddy come to your house". I asked what he meant and he said it again. I clarified by saying you want daddy to come here, and he said yes. I told him he would have to talk to daddy about it. Then on the way to daycare, I told him we have church tonight, and he said "daddy go to church?". Once again I said you will have to ask daddy. He may not remember after school, but it kills me when S just wants his daddy. I know it is good that we are seeming to be doing better (no promises until he is home and OW is out of the picture. They could still be plotting against me for all I know so once again being cautiously optomistic), but on S it is hard because he just wants his daddy home and doesn't understand why daddy isn't there to pick him up when he wants or talk to him when he wants. It is worse now than before because when H first left 7 months ago, S didn't talk too much. S did some two word sentences, but was not able to communicate what he wanted well yet. Now he can and I can see the hurt he has.

Plus now I am waking up almost every morning at 4 am and not sleeping much after (not good because then I am down to about 5 hours of sleep) because S wakes up about 4 to get a drink and then cuddles into me. I don't mind, but in my big queen bed, I have about 2 feet of room because he sleeps so close and keeps rolling more and more in to me. I know it is just because he is insecure about everything, but man is it taking a toll.

If H calls today, and asks how S is, I am struggling with telling him the truth or not. H always said I used S to guilt him, and I don't want to do that, but at the same time he needs to know how this is effecting S because when he sees him for 2 hours at a time, it is not a good depiction of how S really feels. I am a little torn, but I think I am going to go with telling H the truth, if he asks.

[Lucky11too]

haha. Lol. Yeah, I told S he wasn't allowed to have terrible two's either for an also tough newborn stage (surgery at 6 weeks for a closed stomach muscle!), but he doesn't seem to be listening too well. hehe. He's a good boy, but very active, mischievious and stubborn! =P

My heart just breaks for your S. The fact that he just wants his daddy and doesn't understand, and feels so insecure at night...it's just not fair. Regarding about telling H, I think you should, esp if he asks, and if not, play it by ear. If you don't tell him the truth, he'll never know how it's affecting S and won't be able to fix it. He obviously loves his son and I'm sure doesn't like hurting him. Since you rarely bring it up now, and should continue to do so, he shouldn't misconstrue it as a guilt trip. Or like you told S, ask daddy. You can only do so much, at some point, he needs to take responsibility as a father.

[awest1217]

So the pen is not coming off the wall. I text H to tell him and he just said "hmmmm". What does that mean? He said last night how he really wants to help, then instead of giving suggestions for what to do he just says...hmmm? I don't get it. Oh well. Two steps forward and one back. At least there is a balance of one in the positive.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, somehow "hmmm" just really isn't helpful. There's really not a good answer for it. You would think if he was just busy or tired, he could just say that, and get back to you later. It's amazing how fast their minds/emotions change. Recoiling a bit after two good days maybe?

Going back to the pen on wall issue - have you tried the Mr Clean Magic Eraser sponge things? I have had good luck with those for similar issues in the past.

[awest1217]

Yeah that is what I used first. S did color a little on some white trim and some as he draws off of his paper on his little table. It worked great! The problem with where he colored is that it is painted tan so the color came off some. Also it is textured wallpaper (the house came with it) so where there is texture the pen won't come out. Thanks for the idea though! If you have any others I would love to hear them because I am out. I will probably just have to paint over it, but as my sister-in-law put it, wait until he is out of this stage.

About me, I am wondering if the dizziness has to do with stress and maybe an ulcer. My grandma and uncle gets them easily so maybe? I will have to look into it. I have been having a lot of burning in that area that helps when I eat, especially dairy, which neutralizes the acid naturally for a little bit. Anyway something I will be looking into. Now I need to eat so that I can sleep.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, that's going to be difficult with wallpaper and textured walls. If the Mr Clean eraser or any light cleaner is not doing the job, you may have to go for the new paint job (in a couple of years). (or try googling it to see if there are any great suggestions out there. I google everything. =P)

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the dizziness was linked to the stress (or possible ulcer). Today, my mom visited the dr again b/c she is still having the chest pressure and extreme weakness/tiredness, and they are thinking now it may be due to anixety! It really has been quite a year! But yeah, it seems like stress really wrecks havoc on your body. You would definitely want to get an ulcer checked out, so difinitely look into it further.

Any big plans for the weekend for you and S?