Who is this person?

[Day by Day]

After I sent H the email saying basically most of what you said Hope, he stayed quiet about that. I also responded with an offer for him to take the kids to his place during the week or to rework the visitation schedule. It really seemed like he wanted to show off that he has his own place. Whatever.

He stayed with the kids in the house last night while I was out and ate the dinner I prepared. No thanks though and no comment that he left the house. He left a check for the vet bill. So, I emailed him a thanks this morning. He responded no problem and glad he could help. Seems like he's really trying to be distant in his words. I still sense his anger. He said he wants the kids during the week too. That's fine.

I'm really not sure how to "reel him in". I'm trying to be lovingly detached. I've been GAL and working on myself with counseling and prayer and self-help books. I'm concentrating on myself, but don't know if should do anything else? Should I be trying to gently reel him in? We do have counseling scheduled for next week. I feel like I'm ignoring him.

I feel like I'm on a tightrope with the lovingly detaching. So hard to balance giving up with pursuing and in the middle is detachment. Lean too far one way and I'm wanting to be over this. Lean too far the other and I get hurt by pursuing. <sigh>

I've accepted that he isn't the man I married anymore. I don't like this new person and don't find him attractive.

[Butterfly1]

I totally relate to the "he's not the man I married" feeling. It's so weird! Honestly, I thought he was the most sweet, sensitive man when I married him. Now he's an angry beast. What gives???

[Day by Day]

Made it to counseling with H finally.

We have another session scheduled for Monday. The only expectation I had was that H was going to be an ogre. I mentally prepared myself for dealing with H's anger and trusted the C would handle it. Finally feel like I'm detaching. From other's threads (Hope4Luv's I think), I decided to treat the C session as a disguised IC for H. I tried to validate as much as I could, I avoided defending myself and only talking about my feelings. I am comfortable and trust this new C, so that helped a lot.

I couldn't help having a shaky voice and crying. Oh well. I'm hurt by the treatment by H and still grieving the end of the M, but not trying to reconcile the M. Right now, I would like for H to release his anger, stop being so mean to me and for us to be able to communicate for the kids. That's *all* I can see happening right now.

The C gave us homework of emailing each other everyday. Just a polite comment or to mention something about the kids. The first day, H opened up more and was nice. That was it. One day. He didn't write again. Oh well. I haven't written again either then. I don't want to pursue because H has not mentioned he wants to reconcile and since he isn't working on the homework, I'm not going to either. (But he hasn't contacted the kids either, so I'll not take it personally. Also trying to apply the Four Agreements I've seen discussed.)

The day of the C, I went to have my hair done and it was great. Went even lighter with my hair (more GAL) and had such a nice stylist. Too bad he was gay, but he was so cute and treated me so well. Made me feel beautiful and pampered me. The contrast of his treatment and then seeing H's treatment also helped me let go too. Luckily all week people have been treating me extra, extra nice and it was such a boost. My co-dependency meetings have been helping a lot too.

I'm not going down the cheese-less tunnel anymore.

Guess I just wanted to journal my progress. Thanks for reading.

[Day by Day]

Got an email from a possible OW-H. He says that we have a commonality. That he hopes I'm taking care of myself and my kids and he's sure my H will take care of his kids.

I replied to him to tell me more, but no answer. I also left a message at this possible OW's work #. She works with my H.

H says that the man is bi-polar and looking for a scapegoat. He says they work together and are friends. And he wants to see the email he sent me before he tells me if it's true.

I'm done.

[Day by Day]

The OW's H called me and we talked. Said that my H and his XW are in Paris for her birthday right now. My H told me he is in Germany. Don't know whether to wait for the counseling session to call him on it, or confront him. I did leave a voice mail message on that woman's email stating that I hear from her X that she is having an affair with my husband.

The X said she thinks my H has filed for divorce. He hasn't and neither have I. We are going to counseling and will have our third appt on Monday. (3 appts in 2 wks)

I think I need to switch boards and go to the infidelity one now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He says they work together and are friends. And he wants to see the email he sent me before he tells me if it's true.

Do NOT show him what you have. He'll only deny it, and try to spin it (as he already has begun to do). Your confrontation should be OPEN-ENDED, as in "I've heard from OW's husband, and I also have some other information as well, from another source (BLUFF). Is there anything you'd like to tell me? I'll give you exactly ONE opportunity to come clean with me, once and for all. If you lie to me, I am DONE."

Puppy

[Day by Day]

I'm no longer in the dark.

I'm a mess. H has confirmed the OW and wants a divorce. He has been with her since he left the house. Will someone please direct me to another board if I need to? I hate that I was with my H when he had nothing and now this gold-digger is after my H now that he is very successful.

I don't know whether to keep DBing or quit. I'm disgusted with this revelation.

[TrentC]

I'm a mess. H has confirmed the OW and wants a divorce. He has been with her since he left the house. Will someone please direct me to another board if I need to? I hate that I was with my H when he had nothing and now this gold-digger is after my H now that he is very successful.

Well, it's going to be all-but-impossible to work on your marriage if there's an OW involved. So you need to set a hard boundary for yourself: do you want to live in an open marriage, or not?

My guess is no, so you tell him that and give him a choice -- he breaks it off with OW and commits to working things out with you, or you file for divorce (and find the best lawyer you can).

You can keep DBing through all of this. Most of what the book talks about is for your benefit -- the improvements it brings to the marriage are almost secondary. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Sorry that you're in this position, though. You will be okay, one way or the other.

[Day by Day]

H wants a collaborative divorce and he will give me full disclosure on Monday of what is going on with OW with the counselor.

I really don't see how to DB while going through divorce. I'm so disgusted of his A. I know I'm not the only one, but this is his second time! I don't know whether to go ahead with the D, or work on it because I know he'll be in my life forever because of the kids.

Now, my SIL thinks it's ok that he has been with OW since he left the house. That we are not "married" once he left. What? So I guess it's okay for me to date now?

All the crap the OW's H told me is just awful. I want to forget it. And the photos.

This sucks.

[Butterfly1]

I'm so sorry, and during a holiday too. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best.