Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

The babysitter was there. When I got there to pick up girls, W was home. She was not mad. She was upbeat -- and that kind of blew a hole in my day.

I sit here at six months and, yes, I've made tremendous progress. The down bouts aren't as long or as bad. I haven't had to spend hours on the phone with friends or family pulling myself together.

My time with the girls is mostly spent on them and not worrying so much who W is out with or what she's doing. I even imagined W with another man and the pain was not that intense.

I have not forced an R talk in six weeks now, I believe. Or maybe five. On the phone I am fine. I'm not mopey around the girls anymore.

I do not fear the weekends as much. I have several options now to fill the time.

I'm no longer worried about the stigma or the failure that divorce represents. I do not fear the divorce process. In fact, I almost welcome it rather than having to sit here and wait.

I'm past the hernia surgery and will be able to get back in the gym when I have dead time.

My part-time winter job scoring basketball games starts first week of December. That extra money will go towards debt and when the season is over it'll be time for the spring and summer part-time job to start.

Money, I guess, is less of a concern.

Yet I still have a ways to go. I have to pull myself together when I see W. Inevitably I'm going to see her in public when I'm not prepared for it.

I have to be prepared for the inevitable OM. Everything I've pieced together tells me there isn't one now, but she's looking.

After three years of letting herself go, she is taking steps to get back into shape. And I have to be able to see her getting back to her beautiful self with the knowledge that it is not for me.

I have to get over my competitiveness and just live my life. I don't have to outshine her or be happier. I just have to be me and let things take it's course.

I have to believe in what we had, and yet be prepared that we'll never have it again. My name here is ClingingToHope and that's so true for me. But is it a good thing?

I've talked to people who said it took three or four years to get back to normal. That's a large chunk of life lost. That's really scary.

I have to be ready for a new relationship and all the joy and pain that comes with it. And I have to be ready for that one to fail as well and not cling to that person.

It really comes down to having faith in myself.