Changing Man

[Gardener]

PLEASE READ. THIS ONE'S A DOOZY. I NEED FEEDBACK/VALIDATION! BADLY!
Serenity, Bunny and bim,

Gardener ~ Just checking in to make sure you are ok today? Don't make us send out a search party

Do you have PMA going strong today, Gardener?
And you better find that Bible...

You have shared nothing but thoughtfulness with the rest of us and I am a believer in what goes around comes around. I have no doubt that you, sir, will come out of this WHOLE.

Thank you. I had a great day. Beautiful weather. Worked at two of my favorite client properties (absolutely splendid gardens if I do say so myself).

PMAed all day. Don't know much about cognizant dissonance yet, Gima, but when the Funk Monster reared up I did one of three things alternately and they all worked immediately:
1) I said, "Enough!" or "Stop!"
2) I counted my abundances
3) I said, "Y'know, Gardener, it's been a friggin' year, now. Give it up.

To All My DB Friends and Support: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Tonight, however was alternately awful and eye-opening. Boy, was it eye-opening! I was at the mediator's with my STBXW (first time I've used that term). And she wasn't the alien tonight; she was THE ALIEN!

And Gardener finally found out why STBXW is divorcing him. First time she's ever told me. True. Friggin' absolutely INSANE, but true.

And Gardener is DONE. FINIS, BETRAYED AND DETACHED AND COUNTING THE DAYS UNTIL DIVORCE!

Friends, I'll start with the simple ones (not easy, but simple).

She is seeing to it that she alienates my beloved StepS and StepD. As you may recall, STBXW flew to Chicago to see daughter and new granddaughter. She went Saturday, staying through Wednesday. Stepson went Saturday, also, staying through Monday. You will also recall that late Friday night I got a cheap Priceline out early Saturday morning, returning 4 hours later. Just enough to say surprise, hold and kiss that infant, smoke a stogie, hold and kiss that infant some more and leave in a couple of hours so as not to impose on their plans, if any and their time together. Bought flowers, candy and stogies for all. Left even earlier than planned and spent a couple of hours at the airport reading until my flight.

Tonight I'm told by STBXW (or rather, she tells mediator), that they are all disgusted that I showed up unannounced and uninvited and were appalled. My family!

As you may know, my S,30 was recently WAW'ed and was served yesterday. STBXW has spent a lot of time with WAW DIL, dinners, lunches, on the phone etc. Both immediately before WAW and since (coincidence?). Anyway, my son tells me two weeks ago that my STBXW is spending all this time with his STBXW
and has never even called him to say she's sorry or "How are you holding up?" "Is gender more important to her than 17 years of stepson/stepmother relationship?", son says to me?

Well at Chicago, I happened to butt in and tell my STBX that S is kinda hurt by that. She recounted my comment to her to the mediator by mimicking me in the most disdainful, snotty, vitriol-filled way, which, of course is how her "son and daughter perceived it as well". I'm sorry, but nope. Didn't happen. No way, If anything, I approached it gingerly and gently since a) it probably wasn't really my place to say that (my son is, after all, an adult and can make his own case to her) and, b) I make it a point to talk very gently and gingerly whenever I do talk to her because I know she hears me through her "he's-a-demon filter.

Now, why is she divorcing me? Well, I finally found out tonight.

WARNING: We're all adults here, but I must tell you this will be explicitly graphic! And you re the only people I would ever share this with, except my IC. I am dumbfounded.


1) She dreaded coming home to me every night last year (excuse me, I had undiagnosed depression!).

2) (Here we go). Mr. & Mrs. G always had one rip-roarin' fantastic sex life, thank God. In addition to that fact, I want you to picture thisokay, consider this: Even when not having sex, Mr. & Mrs. G got to bed, spoon fashion, me behind (no pun). Well, that can lead to unintended arousal, as we all know. For 15 years she would giggle, grind back and ask me if I wanted to ML.
Last year, she suddenly hated it. It kept happening, naturally. She said I was doing it on purpose. I usually wasn't, but sometimes - sometimes - I did do a little nudge-nudge-, wink, wink, with the old kliegel muscles on purpose.

I lied and kept insisting it was involuntary. Shortly after she moved out when we were working on our relationship, we were reading Terry Real's The New Rules Of Marriage together. His definition of intimacy came up: "Intimacy is choosing to live in truth with another." So, I told her. I'm a healthy, functioning man and it usually just happens. But yes, I do occasionally give her the ol' nudge-nudge on purpose but would stop or roll over when she expressed displeasure. Of course she was then p!ssed that it would occasionally happen again hours later in the depths of REM sleep, "But that's no excuse!."

Well, that's the day she was pretty much convinced she was going to divorce me. For lying. (Let's see: Lie.+ Examine conscience.+ Contritely apologize= DIVORCE!!)

But wait!!! The very next day she tells this to her female IC who tells her that that is SEXUAL ABUSE. So she irrevocably decides to divorce me. WTF!?!

And then she waits 3 months to tell me she wants a divorce and 6 months to tell me why(tonight).
I apologize for the graphic nature of this but I am dumbfounded!

And you know what? I always suspected (without proof) that her father's physical abuse of her may have included some sexual abuse (she hadn't had anything to do with him for 30 years) and he died just around the time this 15-year long nudge-giggle-ML game became a problem last year.

I apologize for being graphic, but you guys are all I've got for something of this magnitude.

Ladies, am I being crazy, here? Am I wrong that 15 yrs of play became unacceptable, something so innocent suddenly became Sexual Abuse?!?

Gardener is so done. Finished. Betrayed, incredulous!

Done . Bye-Bye alien. And, quite possibly bye-bye my stepkids. This is the second time she intimated turning (or the threat of turning) them from me. And she is totally ignoring my son in his pain. She is going to purposely sever all ties of this blended family.

There. Now if this diatribe isn't a Gardener record-breaker, I don't know what is!

Thank you. Sorry if I offended in any way.


But tomorrow? Back to PMA!! I HAVE done everything I could. Who could reconcile/repair with that kind of warped thinking?

I apologize for not checking in on any of your sitches tonight, but I'm sure you understand.

Thanks for reading.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.