There it goes, Sage. My three positives for the day:
1. H snuggled against me at night (I could not sleep and got up and when I came back he was on my side).
2. Told me ILY in the morning (second day in a row)
3. Called me in the afternoon to ask that I get some BBQ chicken for dinner (I know, I know that one is a stretch but I needed a third )
Of course it is 8 pm and he is not back yet (he dropped our D at home from dance class and went 'to work'). But I am trying to stay positive )
I cannot believe it. My first day on this thread and I am already in the third page!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Thanks for filling in some blanks about the OW and her sitch. Interesting. I agree that it does not sound like a "love match" over there. Perhaps as I thought some guilt over promises broken.
About the continuance...I will preface this by admitting i have NO personal experience in such matters, unlike several previous posters.
Pam...you are living this...but it's not quite the same is it? If there was ONE THING you could do that would turn David right around...wouldn't you LEAP at the chance???
Opt has asked and asked her H to get rid of OW, but he has not.
Opt, I get a little nervous when I think of you dropping the complaint while OW is still in this picture. I'm sorry, but I do.
Your H's stated reasons for keeping her around just ring false to me. What if you said to him: "I'm not dismissing the suit, just delaying it. I want to prove to myself that I can work on our M with a D hanging over it"
Ridiculous sounding isn't it?
Take everyone's advice and do what YOU feel is the best for YOU right now, Opt. JMHO
THey seem to me like 3 very good positives I'm glad you got them, it makes me feel good when I read about snuggling and saying ILY... it just reminds me that it can work. I even like the 3rd one.. any excuse to get a phone call makes the day brighter even if it's only bbq chicken :):)
As for me, you are right twin. Maybe I should vent here. I'm going to finish some work and maybe I'll come back here and vent a bit.
THinking of you nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Hi Opt. Nice thread. I have no experience with legal matters in my sitch (and hope not to!) but I will say that after reading everyone's posts, I agree with what Bill said about each of you having something that you are holding over the other one.
Since I have no legal experience, why can't you drop the matter and if necessary revisit it again in the future. I know I am naive, but isn't that possible? Is it the expense involved? Or what? And please don't all come down on me at once - if I knew the answer I wouldn't ask the question....
While I am at it - and stirring things up - here is a wild idea - and you can dismiss it as crazy if you'd like to - but maybe if your H offered to pay for job placement services for her she would take the hint. I went through that when my job was eliminated and got a lot of assistance and training for only a few hundred bucks.
Quite frankly, it might not be good Dbing, but if I had contact with the OW I would ask her why she is hanging around when your H is clearly back with you - her self-esteem must be in the toilet to hang around like that. And don't say that yours is - we covered that before - you are the wife and have every right (and responsibility) to stand by your man (Tammy Wynette anyone?)
But hey Opt, JMHO, and like I said, I can't relate, I'm trying to offer an unbiased POV.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I was going to post, then read Shiny's post and decided not too, then read totite's and decided to go ahead!
I do like her idea of paying for job placement services. I know the company I was with when they decided to go a different direction found me another possible job with one of their clients. So far it has worked out pretty descent. Doesn't pay quite as well. But lots less stress.
Anyway that was going to be my question is why not drop it and if you needed to reinitiate the D?
David's reasons are: 1. He isn't sure he doesn't want the d and doesn't want to have to get himself through all of this again.
2. His is also financial. He couldn't really afford to do this the first time, put the A retainer and filing fees on his credit card. Complains to me about debt!
I was concerned about the amount of money spent at first, but Calystra said she bet if she said if I paid her $5000.00 and she could guarantee that David would love me and come back to the marriage she bet somehow someway I would come up with the money. She is right! So that puts the money in a much lower perspective for me than it was in the beginning. Doesn't help David's perspective but did mine at least.
I promise I am going to shut up on this cause it is WAY to close to home for me to be unbiased and any sort of logical.
Good luck with your decision.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Got to work this morning and we have a MAJOR crisis: there is no coffee. How can they expect me to work with no fuel! That must be what the VIIIth Constitutional Amendment meant with 'cruel and unusual punishments'. I had wondered...
The day started with another of my mental messes: H gets a call at 6:30 and gets up, fixes breakfast for me (and he said for him too) and leaves early. I go into full 'inquisitorial' mood: where is he going, why did he not take a shower, why did he wish me a good day but not say ILY... I went to my usual carpool and then to work and ran into him talking to a client. He was nice and happy, so I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies tonight. He said yes, then 'no, I have a staff meeting until 8 pm', then 'but if you want we can go to the night session, come and pick me up at the meeting'.
You know, my H was right when he told me I make 'everything about me.' I had been thinking his sudden departure this morning and his not saying ILY, and his rushing where related to something I had said or done, or not said or done, but they can well have been he had to meet this person and had forgotten... I mean it is really not about me, is it?
Yesterday while I waited for him to come home (he did at around 8:30 pm) I kept repeating my mantra: 'you have no control over him'...
Anyway, it is the movies tonight
BTW, I had also been thinking maybe his poor mood earlier in the morning was because he did not read the court notice I showed him yesterday (very typical of him: he does not see what he does not want to see), so I had been planning to call him and ask him about it. I think I'll let it rest.
We still have not started to discuss the book, but I think we need a rest from R talks. There is such a thing as overkill...
FINALLY, SOMEONE BROUGHT COFFEE
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
You know, my H was right when he told me I make 'everything about me.' I had been thinking his sudden departure this morning and his not saying ILY, and his rushing where related to something I had said or done, or not said or done, but they can well have been he had to meet this person and had forgotten... I mean it is really not about me, is it?
Ah...I heard the same from my h during the bomb dropping...and he was right. I attributed every action, reaction or non-action of his to something that I was doing. It's hard work but it's really liberating (for both of you!) to recognize that it ISN'T about you...really.
Quote: BTW, I had also been thinking maybe his poor mood earlier in the morning was because he did not read the court notice I showed him yesterday (very typical of him: he does not see what he does not want to see), so I had been planning to call him and ask him about it. I think I'll let it rest.
i think it's a good plan to give it a rest...plus how about letting go of some of the ASSumptions in this paragraph...trying to attribute a "bad mood" of h's to something (heck, even diagnosing him with a "bad mood"?) and assigning something as "very typical of him".... I get very stuck when h decides that something is "very typical" of me...how about you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
)
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But lots less stress.
