Needing Direction

[2B_2_AS_1]

Called X to check on D. I ask questions about D and X is answering in pretty short answers. I try to engage in conversations and we were on the phone for about 10 minutes.

I am so weak when it comes to cutting off the communication.
I asked X about her Grandma who has been sickly. X mentioned she was elderly and had ailments because of old age. Then she quickly caught herself and said she did not want to talk about it. Said she was going to get off the phone.

Not such a pleasent experience with the phone conversation. Makes me sad. How i would really like to talk to her..

[awest1217]

You really are pushing and pursuing X. If you want her back, you can ask questions, but don't expect much. Give her the chance to talk to you. To open up. You cannot catch a butterfly when you are running towards it. You really need to let it come to you.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Tks Awest. I try not to expect too much. I get so encouraged when we talk are around each other. But she does revert back to being distant and makes me wonder do we even have a chance.

I keep trying to detach and it is chanllenging to do. Picnic. Scared puppy. How do I act around her? Again, do I wait for her to make any mention of wanting to do stuff together or should I suggest things or ask if she would like to do somethings? I try to ask if I can see my D and she just says I don't know. Which has meant in the past pretty much no.

I hope for change..

[2B_2_AS_1]

Called to check on D and left msg. Miss my little girl very much as I have not seen her since last weekend and don't get to see her again till this weekend coming up. Two weeks and I really miss her.

I tried to ask if the X would allow me to be able to see her one evening, but she is not going to let that happen.

[awest1217]

I am not sure about other states, but in IN the law is noncustodial parents get every other weekend, every other holiday, and one day a week. The day a week can only be a few hours, and the child must be returned 1 hour before his/her bed time. Something to look into. Do you have a custody agreement?

[2B_2_AS_1]

X and I previously agreed to defer a week of visitation till a later time so we could split up the Visitation time with D and so I might be able to take that week off from work and really be able spend with D vs. working and seeing her only at night.

I asked if I could get her some during the holidays and X previously told me she did not really want to do that. I get an email from X today asking if I want to schedule my V week after the Tgiving Holiday. I called her see if she was trying to plan something around that time. If so, I could make greater attempts to see if I can make it work with my work schedule. Have to request time off and what nots.

I called and she did say she was planning a trip out of town during that time. She did not mention with who or where. I told her I would check and let her know.

I also asked if I could see her any this week. X said I could pick her up early after work on Friday. I work that day and already pick her up at 6. The earliest I could get her would be 5ish. She said she wanted to spend time with her during the week and that I had just seen her last weekend. I worked last weekend. I did see her the weekend before and definitely miss her.

I told X I did not really want to pull her away from D. and asked if she would be up for meeting me out. X says probably not as she does not like to get out from the house after work. Sounds like an excuse to not go. So I mentioned I assumed she did not want me to come to her house. She was like “not tonight”. So did that mean other nights? No conclusion.

We were both at work, so we could not continue conversation on the phone. I called Monday to check on D and X did not return my phone call.

Her planning to go out of town on Tgiving and providing me with the week she wants made me think she is planning the week with OM. She recently told me she did not have a BF. Does she? She makes no effort to get closer. It is all breaking my heart. How does one do this? We recently were together over the Halloween holiday. The closer I get the more it hurts, bc she does pull away again. As soon as I think we are going in a specific direction. She is going in the opposite direction. It is all so sad.. What are people thinking to be like this? How do we pull out of it? My heart is aching..

[awest1217]

You really need to LRT and possibly talk to a L about a specific custody arrangement. You have a right to see D one night each week and the way it works in IN you would pick her up for the visit and X would pick her up after the visit. Then you should get her every other weekend and every other holiday. You are paying support and want to see your child so you have the right to do so.

Second, you have to stop assuming she is with OM. Maybe she is going with friends and just does not want to disclose that to you. You do not know exactly what she is doing so there is no need for you to assume things and get yourself worked up over nothing.

Third, what you asked me. I am the one who has been DBing it for 6 months. H came home for 2 weeks and left again this time I did nothing at all to provoke him leaving. I told him to come back he would have to "win" me back because he broke my heart once and the second time he ground it into powder. I asked him to win me back. You have to wait until X is willing to have you pursue her. I am willing and wanting to be pursued. She is not so you have to leave it at that. Focus on D and yourself.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Awest,

We do have a parenting plan already set up. I really caved in quite a bit just to try and make things less volatile between us. Sometimes I think I gave up too much. I did not elect to hire an L at that time and as long as she held up to her word that she would let me see her anytime I wanted, I would have been good with it (for the most part).

My plan basically allows for visitation the second, forth and fifth (if there is one) weekends. There is also time for summer and holidays.

X has been extremely bitter, argumentative and hateful up until I starting detaching. I think that has helped a bunch. I know we still have a ways to go and I need to be patient, but like I said in the previous post… As we move closer I expect too much, I start to think we are connecting and feeling like there is hope and a chance for our R to get better.

It is almost like setting myself up for heartache. The reason I think it would be with OM is bc previously she was kind of telling me when she was doing something with one of her friends. Of course, she could have been making all that up too. Who knows. I def don’t want to assume, but that is where my gut instincts lead me.

When we were together, I can say that I did not know how to nurture a R. There were so many things I should have done that I did not do. As well as things I did I should not have. I think most of us have been there. I really try to be the best I can and want to be that way too.

I get a little upset too if she is going out of town w OM (maybe), bc I basically work on one weekend and the others I am spending with my D. I have one weekend to myself and that is basically absorbed by things I end up needing to do around the house / home.

I feel like not too many women out there really want a guy that is so absorbed with taking care of his children. Almost to a point where it runs them off. I guess bc I had hardly anytime for them after all the other aspects in my life. I am starting to want a significant other in my world. Wish and hope X and I can make it. (crossing fingers and knocking on wood).

We have been apart for over two years now and I guess I have been attempting DB (writing posts) for about a few months. We have made progress, but not sure to what exactly it is attributable to. I hope it is the DB and I will continue attempts to incorporate in my actions / attitudes.

Awest, you sound like you are an awesome young lady and I hope your H realizes it soon. If my X will grant the ability or the chance to win her back I am all in…

[awest1217]

Thank you for the compliment! I really am not all that. I have done a lot of things wrong as well (mostly due to my bad childhood), but still that is no excuse and I have learned from my mistakes. I know you have to so you need to forgive yourself and move on. Stop beating yourself up because that won't help anyone.

I understand the whole feeling like you are setting yourself up for a heartache. Even though things seem to be going well with me and H right now and finally moving in a positive direction, OW is still in the picture and I just know I am going to be set up for a heart ache, but one thing I read in many of the books about marriage lately is that you can't have a good relationship without being vulnerable so sometimes you have to be vulnerable and possibly get hurt to maybe get a chance at happiness.

Stick to detaching and work more on LRT. Talk to X just about daughter and that is it. Don't ask about her or anything else until she initiates. If she gets mad or starts to complain, validate her feelings and stop taking responsibility for anything else. If you haven't yet (although I am sure you have) make sure you have said I am sorry. It may seem stupid, but writing a letter and telling X specifically everything you are sorry for can go a long way, plus once you write it, you have done your part and you can let it go. It is up to her to forgive, but you have asked so you can set yourself free. Don't ask for her to come back or anything like that. Just say what you are sorry for and leave it. She will probably respond negatively at first, but in time it could help, but ultimately it will help you.

Finally don't feel bad about being a good dad. There will be someone out there who will treasure how much you love your daughters and love you for it.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Ah I bet you are a great person and after one goes through this kind of stuff one becomes that much better of a person, but sometimes I don’t think some people ever really learn. My Xs never seem to be able to apologize or realize they may have contributed to issues. To have a person feel as though they could do things better and to be able to work through your problems takes great character and maturity IMHO.

Things really have improved significantly from prior days. X is so much nicer and is not trying to instigate an argument every time now in our discussions. She said H Bday and we all got together on Halloween. She allowed me to even come around her friend. I really am trying to figure it all out. I just am scared to think that by me holding back she might misinterpret how much I do care about her.

I will attempt to go back to LRT. X is not very good about initiating communication at all. Because she is not so much working with me to see my D during the week. I am thinking we may have to go back to mediation to resolve. There was so much I gave up just in hopes that this situation would improve anyway.

Relationships are hard and so many people out there are selfish. As you put up boundaries, people will write you off before they will make amends or apologize or do the right things in life. Starting to think the common denominator is me in some of these situations, but I really think there are lots of people who need help.

I have asked the X to forgive me many times, even via email. So it was just good to finally know that I needed to quit saying it again and again. She has never to date been able to say she forgives me. When we first split, X told me she would never forgive me. I guess so many emotions involved. I try and try and she would just argue with me and beat me down. I think she feels like I did not care about her so she would just beat me down in return.

It is hard not being able to fix things right now or even to know if they will ever be fixed. I find it difficult putting my life on hold in hopes that she will come around. Wish I had more examples of the DB working to give me more encouragement and energy to proceed.

Called to check on D today. X gave phone to D to talk. D is 2 yrs old and she is not talking so much… so I am just sitting there with the phone and hearing some background noise. X finally after a few minutes comes back on the phone and I ask her some questions about what is going on with D. X is short, one word answers. I ask her about trying to have a night with D during the week also. X flat out say no. I ask why and she says bc she will be starting school soon. I ask when, like in a couple of years. X says like next year.

I did ask if she was mad at something, bc of her responses. She said I was talking to her like she did not know anything. Wow. I told her again, I am sorry. Not my intent as I try to be nice to her. I tell her we are talking in circles bc I am trying to be nice and she says I am mean. How do we stop the cycle? She says it is me.

This stuff is so agonizing. Please help me understand….!!!! Thought we were doing good and if I ask for anything she is one angry, evil, bitter, jilted, & scorned lady.