Another thought here, and please understand that today of all days, I am dealing with my own demons.
David kept saying he was trying to work on things but the whole time I perceived it as he still had a foot and a leg and whatever out the door!
I am not saying in your situation that dropping the proceedings is what you need to do, but maybe he doesn't feel you are 100% committed to saving the R as long as the D is hanging out there, and you on the other hand can't feel he is 100% committed to saving the R as long as he is keeping OW at his office. On the other hand someone has to make the first move to recommit 100% don't they?
I know I am pretty fuzzy and emotional today ok. So that may not make any sense at all.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
wow! i should go into the thread title making business, i would be RICH!!!!
ok, opt, i don't have an opinion cause really the decision has already been made as far as the dismissal - but as far as telling him...i am with t2 on this one. i think you should involve him in this
I'm not sure if this is "advice" per se, because these are your feelings that you're dealing with and they are perfectly valid, but I'll tell you what I think.
I try to maintain a personal philosophy that I decide to do things not because of external simuli (reactive) but rather because of who I am and what I believe, it comes from inside. I'm not actually successful at this most of the time , but something I like to remind myself of.
If you're committed to your part of saving the marriage (and I know you are), I think it would be consistant with that to drop the D. Focus on yourself and what you want - don't allow yourself to be controlled by H, OW, and the situation. (I know I haven't been there and may be talking out of my a$$).
Secondly, it seems to me that you're kind of in an arms race with H. You want something - him to get rid of OW - and he presumably wants something - dismissal of the D. It might be seen as an act of trust - of unconditional love - to drop it. Yes, you're making yourself vunerable, and it's really uncomfortable. You're giving up your power a little - but you're also in a way taking control of the situation, You're showing strength - "I am committed to doing this. Now, how about you?"
Imagine that you and your H have guns pointed at each other, and you're both waiting for the other to blink. You're thinking, as long as he's got that gun, I'm not putting mine down. But what would happen if you did? Nobody's going to shoot an unarmed person, right? You show strength and actually take the lead by making yourself more vunerable.
Just my two cents - again, I don't mean to minimize your valid feelings on the subject - just providing my POW.
Ok, I have this really bad problem of having trouble letting things go.
But a disclaimer I am not trying to say you should. I am just being overly personal and devil's advocate.
But, if we are the ones that want to save the marriage we do have to do most of the work.
I did something that I think has kept David postponing dates. I was going to hire a super duper attorney and fight him tooth and nail to delay this D as long as I could or get what I could out of it.
It scared the living daylights out of me but I told him I had made a decision that I was not hiring an attorney to fight him and I would not postpone these court dates.
Talk about terrified I was, the thought of going to court with no attorney scared me to death.
So far I think that was a big help in his stepping back from pushing for the D.
I KNOW your situation is totally different.
What you have to do is reach the decision that you are at peace with and that you feel is your best chance to work on your marriage.
{{{Opt}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Very valid points both of you. And Pam that is exactly the attitude my H took. He has refused to retain an attorney and asked me to talk with my lawyer, tell her what I want (even if it is his underwear) and draft an agreement. He offered to sign it sight unseen. The only thing he wanted is joint custody of our D (with me keeping sole physical custody) and for me to wait two days before serving him the papers. He even let me set the visitation schedule and gave me the books!
It totally snuffed the wind out of my wings. I had expected a huge fight and there was none. So I did not have him served and I have kept everything on hold since then. I guess I am as paralized as David. Hoping against all hope but not daring to trust quite yet.
I need to do some major thinking...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
For me this was my way of showing him I did not want the D but was willing to go with what he felt would make him happy and to show I trust him and I was vunerable to him and still care for him.
Hope I am making some sense because I'm mostly sitting and freaking crying today!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi twin... that's quite a situation over there. I don't think I'm at my best to give any insight, or advice, or ideas... after all if they were any good they would be working for me, right? Sorry maybe I shouldn't be back yet... I stayed away cuzz the way I was feeling I was probably going to get everyone as gloomy as I was instead of bringing up any good suggestions. Well, let me just stay here. No insight, just sending you a hug and hoping that things become clear very soon. nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
I am glad you are back, I missed you. If you are not feeling right it is the perfect time to be in the board. Do not fear spoiling anyone's morale. If you think that posting can help you feel better, do it. That is why we are here. To bounce back and forth ideas and feelings and help each other through this horrible time.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
, but something I like to remind myself of.