Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

My Friends ~

I hope you are all well today.

I woke up this morning full of peace and calmness.

Since the crap that I did this past weekend I have had a few days to really think about my sitch and where I was going with it...

I have come to the conclusion, the cutting while not the best thing to do may have been just what I needed to fully wake-up...

I have felt like I am basically living in my own fog...

Just existing so to speak...

Emotionally cut off from everyone, living in my own pain.

Not being a good parent, obsessing about what my H and the FT are doing at almost every given minute of each and every day.

I admitted to myself that I allowed him to break me and break me he did.

There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, I went days without eating, I didn't allow myself to be the best Mom I can be, I was fully immersed in what he had done to me and not realizing there are 2 other people in my life who were in pain as well...

My objective has always been to show my boys that you fight for what you believe in no matter what however it shouldn't be at their expense...

It took me 4 months however I now understand the 180's, the GAL, the boundries etc...

4 very painful months for me and all I did was add to my childrens' pain because I wasn't "there" for them like I should have been.

Once I made that admission, I got the peace, I went completely calm and then knew what I needed to do...

I needed to move forward with or without him.

So I went to the place I know best - Up - I finally forgave H for the pain and destruction he has caused, I finally turned all of it over to Him, I released my demons, I released my marriage, my husband, my wants, my hurts and my anger to Him - All of it.

For the last few days I have felt something changing in me, something shifted that night I cut myself and it was a good thing...

I may have a few lingering wisps of my fog but for the most part, I am back to the me I knew, the me I thought was lost so long ago.

My H is hurting and lost, living a life of sin and there is nothing I can do for him except pray.

I get down and pray every night for my H, for my children, for all of you here who help everyone as well as for your WAS's.

We are going to be just fine my friends, no matter the outcome.

Matthew 5:44
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you