Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Gardener...

You know I love you (and everyone here) to pieces however I will say I don't like this...

Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.

And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.

I don't have to tell you that this is just what the Enemy wants however I will...

By giving up, being resigned to the fact, fearing what is going to be, mourning what could have been, you are playing right into his hands.

You are stronger then that...

Your faith is stronger then that...

Your beliefs are stronger then that...

I see that from you day in and day out with the way you inter-act with people here...

Don't give in to the enemy, lean on God and He will show you the way.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't MAKE me come over there and b*tch-slap you, Gardener.

Take today, and have a case of the woe-is-me's, if you must. But Serenity is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT what she says here.

Puppy

[Gardener]

Don't MAKE me come over there and b*tch-slap you, Gardener.

Ah, c'mon over and bitch-slap, puppy. Everyone else has, though they did it lovingly and used those squiggly swimming pool noodles instead of 2x4s. And they all woke me up and lifted me up, bless them (and you.)

Take today, and have a case of the woe-is-me's, if you must. But Serenity is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT what she says here.

Hell, I've taken the last 3 or 4 days, Puppy. I'm done.
"This is the day that the Lord has made; I will be glad and rejoice in it."

[Gardener]

Gardener...

You know I love you (and everyone here) to pieces however I will say I don't like this...

Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.

And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.

I don't have to tell you that this is just what the Enemy wants however I will...

By giving up, being resigned to the fact, fearing what is going to be, mourning what could have been, you are playing right into his hands.

I love you, too.
And I agree. BUT HOW? How do I DB (Bust my Divorce) with maybe 7 weeks until December 28th, with NO Contact and with an alien with whom no DB tactic has worked one iota so far?

But I guess I do know. Rule #1: Do it for ME.

Thanks.

[Serenity13]

“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

—Mark 11:22-26

You are doubting and not believing my friend.

As you said to me yesterday - Be Still - You know the rest...

Go back one day - Reread what you wrote to me then just Be.

[brownidmom]

OUCH Gardener...

Though you are correct...

I read this from you last night and couldn't get it out of my head - Better your words then my thoughts haha...

Anyway, I thought long and hard about what you said and I realized, I have already made the decision...

My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...

My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.

We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.

I don't have to like it and yes there are days when throwing in the towel would be easier but I am not a quitter - Never have been/Never will be.

I love my husband with all my heart and I will not give up on our marriage but more importantly I will not give up on getting him back to our Lord.

If I lost my marriage yet he came back to God, then I would be ok with that, however I still have the same feeling in my gut that I got 8 months ago when he first started with her that everything will be ok, we will come out of this with a better, stronger & more loving marriage...

That feeling has never left me, no matter the questions I have, no matter the doubts that swirl, no matter the fear I feel.

I have allowed this to consume my every thought and action, I have had days go by and I don't remember anything...

Like I am in a "fog" of my own but my "fog" is lifting...

I noticed that after I cut the other night...

The worrying isn't going to bring him back, the tears I cry at night aren't going to bring him back, the fear that overtakes me isn't going to bring him back, nothing I do will bring him back until he is good and ready...

So I woke up today with no worry, no fear, no tears...

I woke up with the realization that while I imagined I was standing at a crossroads, I was already on the road God wanted me on...

I am at this place in my life because He wants me here...

He has something for me to do and while I can can bitch and moan it didn't have to work out this way in order for Him to get my attention, apparently it really did.

As I was journaling a question last night, I "heard" the answer before I finished writing the question.

That pretty much did it for me.

(((Serenity)))

I have been lurking in your sitch for a few days since we have Gardener in common.


Your comments here really came at a time when I needed to have my beliefs reaffirmed. I said in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse. I have been going through the worse for a VERY LONG TIME and lately, I sometimes look at that as my response from God. "This problem ain't goin' anywhere, kid. You have to make the choice if you want it to stop." Would He talk like that? Or is it the Enemy? My problem is that I don't know how to listen.

Anyway, thanks for the show of faith here. It helped me and many others, I'm sure.

I hope that you can hold onto this.

BIM

[Serenity13]

Hello BIM and welcome to my thread

It is nice to have something in common...

I noticed you posting to Gardener previously however I haven't had a chance to check up on your sitch however I am hoping to remedy that later today once work slows down.

I wanted to thank you for your kind words and to let you know it is nice to know that it came at a time when you needed it...

I am still learning how to listen and I get frustrated when I feel like everything is at a stand-still, then I will get some kind of sign that I am truly right where He wants me to be at that point in time.

"This problem ain't goin' anywhere, kid. You have to make the choice if you want it to stop."

My response to this would be the same exact passage I gave Gardener yesterday -

“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”Mark 11:22-26

Gardener may add to Be Still...Then you will hear, then you will feel and then you will know just where He wants you to be

[Serenity13]

My Friends ~

I hope you are all well today.

I woke up this morning full of peace and calmness.

Since the crap that I did this past weekend I have had a few days to really think about my sitch and where I was going with it...

I have come to the conclusion, the cutting while not the best thing to do may have been just what I needed to fully wake-up...

I have felt like I am basically living in my own fog...

Just existing so to speak...

Emotionally cut off from everyone, living in my own pain.

Not being a good parent, obsessing about what my H and the FT are doing at almost every given minute of each and every day.

I admitted to myself that I allowed him to break me and break me he did.

There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, I went days without eating, I didn't allow myself to be the best Mom I can be, I was fully immersed in what he had done to me and not realizing there are 2 other people in my life who were in pain as well...

My objective has always been to show my boys that you fight for what you believe in no matter what however it shouldn't be at their expense...

It took me 4 months however I now understand the 180's, the GAL, the boundries etc...

4 very painful months for me and all I did was add to my childrens' pain because I wasn't "there" for them like I should have been.

Once I made that admission, I got the peace, I went completely calm and then knew what I needed to do...

I needed to move forward with or without him.

So I went to the place I know best - Up - I finally forgave H for the pain and destruction he has caused, I finally turned all of it over to Him, I released my demons, I released my marriage, my husband, my wants, my hurts and my anger to Him - All of it.

For the last few days I have felt something changing in me, something shifted that night I cut myself and it was a good thing...

I may have a few lingering wisps of my fog but for the most part, I am back to the me I knew, the me I thought was lost so long ago.

My H is hurting and lost, living a life of sin and there is nothing I can do for him except pray.

I get down and pray every night for my H, for my children, for all of you here who help everyone as well as for your WAS's.

We are going to be just fine my friends, no matter the outcome.

Matthew 5:44
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you

[orangedog]

You've been asking lately what God's plan is. Looks like you are beginning to see it within yourself.

[Serenity13]

O'dog ~

It took long enough however I am starting to see my light...

I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time doubting, in fear, worrying etc...

But in order to be where I am today, I had to go through all of that and I wouldn't change a single thing.

This is a great albeit painful experience to learn from...

It has shown me things I didn't know existed inside of myself and while I wouldn't wish this on an enemy, I am thankful for each experience I am able to learn and grow from.