Hope and heartache

[mishka422]

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to be of help to someone else. Your experience can go a long way toward helping your friend either save his M or come through a D with a stronger sense of self.

Good work CTH!

[ClingingToHope]

Boundaries update. D10 called. My old house -- where W is living -- the upstairs toilet must have clogged, forcing a leak in the basement.

She calls freaking. She says there is water everywhere.

I tell her to calm down. Then I tell her she needs to call her mother.

It's not my job to go home and fix it or clean up anymore.

[awest1217]

Was D10 home alone? Was the babysitter there? She could at least clean it up, but good for you telling D10 to call W. It is her responsibility to take care of. This is just one of many things she will either have to find someone else to fix or learn to do herself. Major Reality Check.

Hopefully W doesn't blow on you with her anger problems.

Have a good night with the girls and Have FUN!

[ClingingToHope]

The babysitter was there. When I got there to pick up girls, W was home. She was not mad. She was upbeat -- and that kind of blew a hole in my day.

I sit here at six months and, yes, I've made tremendous progress. The down bouts aren't as long or as bad. I haven't had to spend hours on the phone with friends or family pulling myself together.

My time with the girls is mostly spent on them and not worrying so much who W is out with or what she's doing. I even imagined W with another man and the pain was not that intense.

I have not forced an R talk in six weeks now, I believe. Or maybe five. On the phone I am fine. I'm not mopey around the girls anymore.

I do not fear the weekends as much. I have several options now to fill the time.

I'm no longer worried about the stigma or the failure that divorce represents. I do not fear the divorce process. In fact, I almost welcome it rather than having to sit here and wait.

I'm past the hernia surgery and will be able to get back in the gym when I have dead time.

My part-time winter job scoring basketball games starts first week of December. That extra money will go towards debt and when the season is over it'll be time for the spring and summer part-time job to start.

Money, I guess, is less of a concern.

Yet I still have a ways to go. I have to pull myself together when I see W. Inevitably I'm going to see her in public when I'm not prepared for it.

I have to be prepared for the inevitable OM. Everything I've pieced together tells me there isn't one now, but she's looking.

After three years of letting herself go, she is taking steps to get back into shape. And I have to be able to see her getting back to her beautiful self with the knowledge that it is not for me.

I have to get over my competitiveness and just live my life. I don't have to outshine her or be happier. I just have to be me and let things take it's course.

I have to believe in what we had, and yet be prepared that we'll never have it again. My name here is ClingingToHope and that's so true for me. But is it a good thing?

I've talked to people who said it took three or four years to get back to normal. That's a large chunk of life lost. That's really scary.

I have to be ready for a new relationship and all the joy and pain that comes with it. And I have to be ready for that one to fail as well and not cling to that person.

It really comes down to having faith in myself.

[mishka422]

3-4 years is even a relatively short period of time. I know a lot of people who have spent 5-7 years sorting through the ruins to get back to normalcy. I don't think you will be one of those people though. It seems you are pulling through this nicely and I'm quite impressed!

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, I see it's been about a year since your D was final. How are you different today than last November?

[mishka422]

Unfortunately, I'm not any different. I'm more centered, not riding emotional tidal waves any more. Now it's just the small swells. I'm not emotionally attached to my xh anymore. He still has the ability to drive me absolutely crazy but I chalk it up to the fact that he is a complete dumba$$ who threw his family away for a someone I could never admit I had a passing aquaintance with and then I feel better. (I used that long description instead of the short version I normally would because I'm to stop demonizing her).

I don't think I'm a very good yardstick to measure growth with since I carry a whole lot of extra hangers on behind me (read - baggage). If I had worked through these things and felt better about myself I'm sure I'd be much further along.

I really feel you are in a great position to come out of this very strong and intact and ready to move forward with your life regardless of the outcome of your M. You seem to be a very confident man and that will go a long with for you.

[awest1217]

It is definitely hard seeing W getting in shape. H went out and bought a pretty much whole new wardrobe with OW's help. She picked out everything for him. Of course, most of it is more expensive than he would have ever bought before and very different, but at the same time it was things I was trying to get him to wear for years (and he even commented on that), but at the same time he did it because OW said it would be good for him and not me. It is really hard, but maybe, just maybe as she gets into shape and starts feeling better about herself, then she can focus on you and her.

It may not happen, but we have all learned that you have to fix yourself before you can really fix a M so it could be a positive.

I definitely feel for you and hope today you can quickly get back to your good place again.

[ClingingToHope]

Woke up early today because I had the girls and had to get them off to school. In the shower my thoughts centered on W and I had a comforting thought.

W is an extremely hard person to get to know. She's very, very reserved. She has lots of casual friends but few close friends. In her whole life, she's had perhaps two serious relationships and the other one was only a few months.

I'm the only one who has penetrated that wall and for a long, long, long time, I was the only one she really trusted.

I blew that somewhere along the way and, I see now, by trying harder and harder to make her happy I chipped away at her self-esteem because she didn't see what I was doing as love, she saw it as an indictment on her ability to handle home, work and family.

Today, what she's doing is trying to prove to me and herself that she can handle all of these things without me.

When things get tough I'm still the one she calls. I know she says she never loved me, but I know that's not true. That's the fog obscuring her feelings.

For some reason, today I feel 99.9 percent sure the fog will lift some day. She may prove to herself that she can handle everything alone. But will she ever find someone who will put in the work to break through that wall and then, once inside, continue to work to stay there?

I also realize that it's going to take a long time and some unforseen event. She has so many things in front of her each day, there's really little time to reflect.

But I know in my heart some day she will realize that I was the one willing to break through that wall she carries around her.

The question then becomes where am I in life. It could be one year, five years, 10 years from now.

It's not as if I'm going to sit and wait. I've told friends I'm closing no doors in my life. If someone comes along that can help me fill my life with happiness and be a positive addition to my girls' lives, then I'll explore it.

But I also made a promise to God that I would love W forever and I will. I think this will help me when I see her face-to-face. That person I love is in that body, behind that wall. Yes, it's a rejection and it'll always be painful. But I knew from the start that W was a damaged person. That was part of what drew me to her. I can't give up on her now. So when I see her, that's what needs to be in my heart and showing on my face. Love. Not puppy-dog, sad-eyed, pet me on the head love, but understanding love.

Does that make sense?

[awest1217]

Awesome break-through! You are going to be a lot happier thinking the way you just did. Have a great day and keep reminding yourself of what you just wrote.