This is a classic chicken-and-the-egg about infidelity, Future. It's basically "I can't give up OM because I don't have feelings for you, my husband", and the reason she can't get those feelings back with you, her husband, is because she hasn't given up OM! Any good MC worth their salt will try to get a wayward spouse to end all contact with OM/OW, as the thing to do FOR THEMSELVES, while they try to decide about their marriage. Because so long as their brain is chemically affected by their contacts with the OM/OW, they cannot possibly make good, dispassionate decisions for themselves.
That exact thing has occurred to me as well. However, she's been telling me her feelings for me are mostly gone for a several years now, long before her A started with OM. However, I still think it was due to lack of respect, because as our M started to fall apart, I acted very weak and needy, which drove her even further away, and eroded her respect for me. At this point though, I think her respect for me is much restored, so I agree, she'll never be able to know what she feels for me unless she gives up OM. She knows this, she is a MC! She just doesn't want to do it.
The plate spinning analogy is right on.
My W started her EA a year and a half ago, she dropped the bomb on me a little over a year ago, we've been separated for ten months, and her EA became a PA about nine months ago. She has travelled to see OM three times, although the last time was very weird, she texted and called me and the kids all the time, emotional and crying. When she got back, she started saying the things I listed above. I didn't bite too much though, and I started pushing for legal separation. That pulled her back toward me even more as she faced the reality of losing me for good. Unfortunately I got suckered in, and let her get the upper hand again.
