I've finally come to realize I need a BIG change of direction. I have squandered so many opportunities. I very well could be reconciling right now had I been smarter and stronger. I'm trying not to beat myself up, as I know I've done some things right, but I also want to STOP doing what doesn't work, and see if I can finally turn this thing around.
A recent post from Puppy on another thread hit me right between the eyes. I've been getting nothing but crumbs from my W. So she's nice to me, BIG DEAL! The fact that she's having an A with OM trumps all our nice little day to day interactions by a wide margin.
The frustrating thing is, I'm starting to see that my W WANTS to reconcile! I'm just not giving her enough reason to! Here is what she has said to me:
I still love you.
For the first six months I thought I could do this, but now I barely make it through day to day.
If we were to reconcile, we should probably sell our house and buy a new one to start over.
I love to witness how great a father you are.
There is definitely a connection between us.
I can see you're different, I just need more time to trust it.
When asked straight out "Do you want a divorce?" her answer was "I don't know." Is this a good thing?
How many men here would love to hear such things from their WAW? However, she has also said this:
I still feel pressure from you. She is telling me to BACK OFF! She wants to be the one to pursue. She is TELLING me how to DB!
There is an emptiness inside me where feelings for you should be, and I don't know if that will ever change. I think this is lack of fundamental respect because I haven't really called her on her crap behavior. Given how I failed in my M in so many ways, I didn't feel I had the right to. I now believe I was wrong in that belief. Is it too late?
I can't regret my R with OM. She doesn't think we can ever be right again because of this. I need to somehow let her know we could get through this without appearing weak and needy and desperate, i.e. "I don't care what you did, I'll forgive anything if you'll just come back to me." Blech! I think a good approach might be to ask her if she'd rather see our marriage destroyed and our children suffer or find the courage to make herself vulnerable to me again and trust that I won't hold her actions over her.
I can't see spending the rest of my life with you. When she said this it had the "vibe" of some last wisps of fog in her mind. I'm not ignoring it though, I'm trying to listen to her and hear what she's really saying. I think what she means is "I'm worried that I'll have to give up too much of what I want in order to be your wife."
When asked straight out "Do you want a divorce?" her answer was "I don't know." Is this a bad thing?
I'm really just thinking out loud here. I'd welcome any comments or suggestions.
