Still in the tunnel with hubby

[Grace_O]

Honestly, I wouldn't have checked. I am the zebra in occam's razor though.

I get that it was to build trust. Did it? If it helped, how did it and whom did it help?

You can plan for a D if you want to. I'm still not. Is it b/c I just can't live without my H? No. I can. I can even be happy. It's because I believe. I believe in myself. And, oddly enough in him. I also know what we are capable of together.

I think you are building a wall if you plan on a divorce. That you are prepared for the possibility is different to me.

If you bring it up to him, what do yu think it will accomplish?

[kjensen]

Grace,

I don't know what I mean about planning for a divorce except that I feel hurt and rejected and things seem darker and more distant than they have in quite awhile. I guess I mean emotionally prepare myself for the possibility that H will ask for a D soon.

As much as I can imagine living without him as my husband, if we D I know I will still feel like I failed despite all the effort I've put in. I will have failed my daughters and myself. I haven't given up yet. My instincts are that something is amiss.

Part of me (the romantic/optimist) wants to believe that H is just going further into withdrawal and that this is part of the journey. The hurt/scared part of me is worried that this is the end of this journey.

I don't think I'll bring up the changed password. I was getting to the point of not really being curious or checking up anyway-the fact that he changed the password just makes me suspicious that he's planning to leave, or starting a new EA with his high school friend. I was beginning to trust again b/c I knew I could check on things if needed. That 'security blanket' is gone. I know I don't trust that H will stay with me- I want to believe he will but it feels iffy right now.

[Grace_O]

I don't know what I mean about planning for a divorce except that I feel hurt and rejected and things seem darker and more distant than they have in quite awhile. I guess I mean emotionally prepare myself for the possibility that H will ask for a D soon.

I asked the question, just so you would think about what you're really thinking. I know you're probably all over the map. It's easy to go there esp when things seem dark.

I ask myself questions and even answer them outloud (or on tape if I'm in a postion to do so), just to clarify my own thoughts. it helps me to see if I really believe what I just said.

I will have failed my daughters and myself.

I understand. Think about this though, have you failed if you gave it all you had? Sometimes things are just beyond our control. In the event you can't save your M, you need to forgive yourself.

The hurt/scared part of me is worried that this is the end of this journey.

I know. It doesn't have to be. I have a saying "T chose the road less traveled, now where the hell am I??
You will find a path. Trust me, if I can anybody can.

If you can find a way to work through (in your own head) the iffy's and put some positive (no, not I'm positive it's over, that doesn't count :P) into your head and mood. You might be surprised and you'll definately fell like you've got a handle on something.

I can't count the times I've thought "Ok, this is it, he's definately done, he'll file now."

I don't do that much anymore. Will I fall apart if it happens? for a moment, yeah. You see, in all of this muck and mire, I had forgotten how amazing I am. So, I get to fall apart if I need to. I know where the superglue is.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Wise woman.

I spoke to my H's workout buddy (and a family friend) to see if H has seemed different to him...

He said H shared that he thought this weekend was our last counseling session-that he's done.(Its not counseling, but a communication refresher which we both need). H said that he and I can't communicate. Our friend also thought H was still processing being dumped by the OW.

So from what I can see I think H is either making a decision to leave, or he's waffling more, or he's in withdrawal or...!! :-)

H hasn't called me today, which is a little unusual.

I guess I'll DB my butt off and active listen my ears off and see what happens. Its hard to get over this sinking feeling, but I'll try.

[Grace_O]

Communication to women is usually verbal. Not always so with men. The other thing we tend to do as women, is make the point, over and over and over. I would also argue that we tend to need more reassurance esp if we are feeling vulnerable. I personally think it's a hardwiring thing (but what do I know).

When you go into this last session, can you approach things differently? What could you do that might shine a light on things? what does he think you're missing? How could you communicate differently?

I know, I know, so many questions. you are very smart and already possess many answers.

[kjensen]

thanks Grace.

So I called H yesterday afternoon just to see how his day was going and was upbeat on the phone and he responded positively..I thanked him for taking the girls places yesterday as there was no school and said I'm sure they appreciate it..He responded "No they don't."..lots of pity party statements lately.

Last night I was home briefly before going to my book club and made everyone else there dinner. I asked H what our checking balance was-since the register is on his work computer..He said "Why, are you planning to buy something?"..I said -no, just wanted to know where we stand. Had some touchy moments talking about money (Which is unusual for us pre-MLC).

The money conversation turned to a vacation conversation b/c if I spent any moeny out of our college fund/savings account(its all mixed in together from our profit of the home sale this summer) it would be for the family to take a nice vacation somewhere we'd never been. H said he doesn't want to go on a vacation b/c he'd feel bad spending money (which he says is for the kids-and whatever we don't use for them we'll need)and then he'd have a bad time and because he would be having a bad time, the rest of us would...

When H and I were talking while separated we both agreed one thing we would have done differently in our marriage was travel more with the kids and alone as a couple..that seemed important to both us looking back with hindsight.

So now this about-face saddens me. Maybe its just the wackiness of MLC. Lately, there seem to be alot more inconsistencies in what H feels or wants. He said a few weeks ago that I should buy nice things for myself periodically b/c afterall its really the money I bring in that we live off of. He keeps most of his business profits in his business. Then when he gets back from NYC he is the opposite about money-makes statements that sound like he thinks I'm a frivolous spender(which I'm not). He said I could go on a vacation without him- and that I would be making a choice to spend money on that and not the girls' education (nice subtle guilt trip!)...

H was asleep when I got home(9pm). Put my hand on his before I got out of bed this morning and he let it stay and didn't move away(small victory!) as he woke up. When I kissed him goodbye I said I'd been missing our lunches together(b/c I've worked across town the last 3 days) and he didn't say a thing...

I guess time will tell if this is just withdrawal behavior or him rallying himself to leave.

H stopped taking his antidepressant in NYC. Not sure if he restarted once home-don't think so...

[Grace_O]

K,

Money became a thing with my H too. In all fairness, he has valid concerns/complaints. Nothing I can do about the past, so I let it go. I'm making different choices in some cases now.

My D's already know that there isn't going to be enough money for cllege. They will have to work at least part-time and go after scholarships (not likely with their grades), loans and or grants.

Would it be nice to be able to pay for it? Sure. Would the money I spend going on trips and vacations be better spent? Honestly, I don't know. Because of some of the issues I have with D's, I will say that some of these trips have allowed for more discussion and a better connection about what they want to do etc. That's really valuable in my world. They know I'll do everything I can to help, but if they want it, they have to be willing to find solutions too.

I thought it was funnny (in that dark and twisted sort of way) what your H said about his not being happy so nobody would be. We had an issue with that this summmer (except that I didn't het all worked up about it). Yes, H went with us for a week. It was a learning experience for me and it worked out ok.

Try not to get into his head (re: what he's really thinking). Whatever it is, just trust yourself that you can handle anything.

So, where would you like to go?

[kjensen]

I'd been looking for cruises (to the Caribbean)since it seems you can visit a few different places/countries in one fell swoop-and not have to stress over much...H totally against(but now against ANY vacation), kids possibly interested...

Also thought about Mexico since somewhat cheaper to fly there frm Denver...We had a great family vacation there two years ago (pre-MLC)..we all remember it fondly.

Since I don't want to spend alot of money and its late to go this winter(prices keep rising)..I'm toying with the idea of taking a day or two to go to a place in St. George Utah on my own. Not the cheapest place but they have lots of hiking/exercise/gourmet meals/spa...cheaper for me to go alone and let H have the girls to himself for awhile...thinking about it.

Thanks for your insight as always. I was sharing recent goings on with a friend of mine here at work and she thinks H is all over the map on pretty much everything-very inconsistent.

I'm worried that if H stopped his antidepressant things will get worse within the next week as it wears off. The shorter days tend to worsen his depression.

[Grace_O]

If he's stopped taking his meds,I' thnking the next week or two is the time for you to go.

Regardless, you need a break too (and not just his neck <evil smirk>).

I don't know what you can do about the med thing. I would think he'd want to feel better (that is if he does when he takes them).

My D14 just started with anti-depressants. I'm hoping things get better soon.

I hope all goes well for you tonight.

HUGS

[kjensen]

So last night I asked H when he stopped taking his meds and he said he took some Thursday morning. I said "I thought you told me you stopped taking them in NYC?" He said "No, I just forgot."..
oh well, rewriting continues... but the good news is he's still taking them, the bad news is he's still pretty depressed and very negative about EVERYTHING!

So this was around dinnertime...later in bed I told him I had missed him..he thought just the sex and I said "no, the closeness"..I thought he was turning over to go to sleep but he turned back towards me and ML with me... very up and down...

He kissed me goodbye this morning on his own, but was angry that the cat threw up so he left in a huff..and didn't even say good morning or goodbye to D14...

Just alot of weirdness.