Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Grace,

I don't know what I mean about planning for a divorce except that I feel hurt and rejected and things seem darker and more distant than they have in quite awhile. I guess I mean emotionally prepare myself for the possibility that H will ask for a D soon.

As much as I can imagine living without him as my husband, if we D I know I will still feel like I failed despite all the effort I've put in. I will have failed my daughters and myself. I haven't given up yet. My instincts are that something is amiss.

Part of me (the romantic/optimist) wants to believe that H is just going further into withdrawal and that this is part of the journey. The hurt/scared part of me is worried that this is the end of this journey.

I don't think I'll bring up the changed password. I was getting to the point of not really being curious or checking up anyway-the fact that he changed the password just makes me suspicious that he's planning to leave, or starting a new EA with his high school friend. I was beginning to trust again b/c I knew I could check on things if needed. That 'security blanket' is gone. I know I don't trust that H will stay with me- I want to believe he will but it feels iffy right now.