I'm on eggshells today. Will my W agree to go to counseling on Wed night? If she doesn't, will she file? Will she decide to do neither?
I am so tired of all of this; but I did apologize to her for arguing. I told her I promised I wouldn't do it, and then I did. The result is always negative. I won't do it again, even if she begs me to fight; unless we are in a counseling office.
I'm meeting a mentor of mine in 20 minutes who has provided some pretty good advice to this point. That will help.
Counseling tomorrow with our kids; counseling tomorrow for me and MAYBE counseling for my wife and I. That one is her call though.
Eggshells is not a fun place to be. Focus on you and your kids- you can't control what she does, and you will be fine no matter what she does.
And don't let her bait you into another fight. Everyone here says there's supposed to be no R talks, and certainly not in the form of a screaming match if you do. But I think you already know that Your current plan of no contact unless it involves the kids is the way to go.
I hope the sessions go well for you and your family tomorrow.
My W agreed to counseling a few weeks ago, "only to help us rebuild trust and communication to be better parents through the divorce process, if something more happens, great".
Last week Wed we went; it was two hours of her reminding me of everything I had done wrong and nothing about what she had done wrong. I didn't get angry, I listened. She got mad that I wouldn't fight with her. At teh end of the session, she said she wouldn't come back, there was no reason to...there was nothign left to save...remember though, that wasn't the reason she was there! She was there to rebuild trust and communication to be better parents through the divorce.
Saturday, as I posted before, I let her push my buttons and we fought. She reaffirmed that she was not going to counseling this Wed (today). I asked her what we were doing then; when was she going to file...you'll have to go back and read that post, but the bottom line was that she WAS NOT going back to counseling.
Tuesday at noon was when she was supposed to call the counselor to confirm the appt if she wanted to go. He called me to say she had not called back.
Right after I hung up, I had an email asking if we could change the appt because she couldn't find a sitter last night. Of course, the appt was not last night, it is tonight; so I asked "what appt?" and she confirmed that she thought the counseling appt was Tuesday night.
I wanted to reply "you mean the appt that there is no way in hell you are going to? The one YOU were supposed to confirm earlier today? The one with a MARRIAGE counselor?" Instead, I just replied that it was Wed. at 7:00pm, is that okay. Her reply "Oh yea, I had my days wrong, see you there!" WTF?
So today is uber-counseling day. At 10:00 we had FC with our daughter. My wife was bitter. Wanted to talk about the holidays and child placement, etc... I said I wouldn't talk about it then, but we could later. With our daughter in the room, she confirmed with the counselor that we ARE getting divorced.
I go to see my counselor in 30 minutes....same guy we see together tonight.
Why the hell are we going to marriage counseling if it is OVER? Why won't she just file and be done with it?
I'm honestly worried my wife has some serious issues with depression that are causing her completly irrational behavior. She has a short temper (not normal for her), she is forgetful, mood swings are night and day and she just seems aloof. Maybe that is all normal; but there is somethign more there that I worry about.
What are your thoughts? Time to stop DBing? Let it all out tonight? Give her her share of the blame?
I have no idea what to do. Are R talks okay if we are in the office of a marriage counselor to get "divorce" counseling?
I'm glad she is going. I hope it goes well. I don't know what to tell you about what to say or do at the MC tonight. We only made it thru 5 sessions which weren't really productive. Neither one of us was really open to the process, it was more going thru the motions. Maybe others with more experience have a different view, but I think you do need to vocalize your side of the issues- validate her feelings, but you need to speak up to. Don't let her make you out to be the one and only bad guy. Best wishes for a productive session tonight- Bunny
Thank you. She was very clear again today that this is to learn to communicate and trust eachother so we can be good parents through and after divorce (those same things would make a pretty good marriage possible too!).
I just finished IC with the same MC we will see tonight. He said exactly what Bunny said. I need to show passion tonight. As a politician, even though I am local politician, I am careful about the words I use. He said he could read her body language last time and there were times where she believed me and times where she thought I was given a well prepared speach. He told me that I shouldn't think about what I am going to say anymore...he said you already know...don't polish it, be genuine and let your emotions show. He said she is looking for passion, even though she says her mind is made up, she hasn't done anything yet...actions vs. words.
So, I will let her start, but I won't take an hour of bashing. At some point I will speak up and tell her that we did this last week and I want a chance to vent my frusterations. I'm not going to over analyze anything, I am going to have a heart to heart with her tonight, with the MC right there to referee.
It is an intense meeting tonight, probably 3 hours. We will both be exhausted at the end.
I feel like we are at a head here. Tonight is sort of do or die...I know it isn't, but it has that level of intensity for me. I'm not begging or pleading, in fact my stance is going to be that I will be OK if we divorce; even if I prefer to make our marriage work. However I am not a terrible person, she has faults too. The guy she fell in love with was affectionate, caring, romantic, spontaneous, etc.. (these are her words from last week); BUT so was the woman I fell in love with. We both dropped the ball.
Now it is a matter of deciding if we pick it up again or just kick it away and move on. That is her call, not mine. I made my decision, but I can't control the final outcome.
The C and I talked afterward. He said that I need to start learning to not love her. He said the only way to get back to square one is to do that. Once we are at square one anything is possible, but was clear that staying married is unlikely and that my W's mind is made up.
Your current plan of no contact unless it involves the kids is the way to go.