That's pessimistic thinking - permanent and global. I think you know what to say to the kids but Mrs SP could use some guidance. It would be a real gift at this stage too.
I would talk to Mrs SP about the signal it sends the kids and her thinking. Their "lives" aren't "ruined." Help her see this doesn't cover their whole life time wise and doesn't effect every aspect of their life. The kids need to both see you love them. It's confusing to a kid to see their parent make a choice and then acknowledge that it impacts them negatively. (Confusing to me too.)
Just point out her behavior that is troublesome.
Cheers on Veterans Day.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Smiley- Like many others I am sure, I have followed your year of turmoil but not had much to comment on as it seemed that you were walking the right path.....
But I think the past month or so you have veered drastically.
I read a lot of self-righteousness in your attitudes and even though you fully admit that you are now the WALK AWAY does it make it right???
I truly believe the key to any marriage/relationship is compassion. When my wife and I began the process of coming back together, you me believe brother that I got fourths of helpings in the lessons of learning to have compassion for my wife and what SHE had been through as well. Having been in your shoes I know that it is easy to rebuff someone like me telling you this, but I used to read compassion in your postings. Not so much anymore....
Is it your place to rescue her from her feelings? Nope. Is it your place to have some compassion and not judge despite the judgement given? That's for you to decide.
It kills me to read your posts now because it is right there dangling in front of you. All I hear is an eye for an eye....
I would not let W know that the kids are carrying tales from one house to the other. You could ask how she is doing and look deeply into her eyes, but beyond that, I would not show any knowledge of her late night emotions. Maybe she was getting her period. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Veered from what? Sort of begs the question, doesn't it?
Quote:
walking the right path
Something of an absolutist statement -- "right" defined by whom?
Quote:
Is it your place to rescue her from her feelings? Nope. Is it your place to have some compassion and not judge despite the judgement given?
Not really talking about rescuing her from her feelings -- talking about whether or not I should intervene when she betrays these feelings in front of the children, who are too young to know how to cope with them, but for whom (as @Coach points out above) the word "ruined" is somewhat problematic. She can have all the feelings she wants -- but is it appropriate to share every feeling one has with small children?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Second... on the kid front. They have to develop their own relationship with their mother. Your son shared what his mom said, turning to you for understanding. You are safe. You are home. You are Dad. You aren't going anywhere. You love them. You are a caring mature adult.
This is the time you share what fits within the 'big picture' of their lives, perhaps giving a perspective of why Mommy feels that way, how you feel, how you care for their well being.
This isn't the time to rescue her, to call and give her advice on how to be a mom, parent, adult. This is her path to learn and feel. You're the foundation for your children but it's not your job to tell her how to be with her kids. Even when married, parents approach parenting differently.
You take care of the kids on your time. Keep your boundaries. Respect hers. Let her ask for help. Learn how to not automatically fix. This isn't about you, wanting to control the complete wellbeing of your children. It's not fair because anything you say will work against you.
Look up the effects of an emotional triangle. Keep your communication as a direct line.
Veered from what? Sort of begs the question, doesn't it?
Quote:
walking the right path
Something of an absolutist statement -- "right" defined by whom?
Quote:
Is it your place to rescue her from her feelings? Nope. Is it your place to have some compassion and not judge despite the judgement given?
Not really talking about rescuing her from her feelings -- talking about whether or not I should intervene when she betrays these feelings in front of the children, who are too young to know how to cope with them, but for whom (as @Coach points out above) the word "ruined" is somewhat problematic. She can have all the feelings she wants -- but is it appropriate to share every feeling one has with small children?
That's the topic du jour.
First off the veered topic....simple, you started your own walk-away path.
Secondly, your kids are the same ages as my two were when we were going through our ordeal....You are mistaken if you don't think they are capable of understanding and interpreting what has taken place. I beg the question as to what outlet DO they have for THEIR feelings? You may think you are protecting and sheltering, but do not kid yourself if you think they are immune to their surroundings. I was in the same shoes as yours as being the primary responsible party when the fit hit the shan.....so I do have some perspective on this.
All feelings being shown them (or not shown for protection) are real whether desired or not.
In my humble opinion, I do not believe a statement of "I ruined your lives" by herself is going to be permenantly etched in themselves minds forever.
Perhaps ask your son how he felt about that statement instead of protecting him from it....
