In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

If everyone walks out how will I get anywhere?

Or should that be, If I push everyone away how will I get anywhere?

Dang it...what is wrong with me? I just want to make this work.

So, what is my next step then?

[praying_in_GA]

But trying to turn this into a pity party for yourself is not attractive. Not to us, and not to your husband.

I'm sorry, that is not/was not my intention. I have good days and bad days just like everyone here. My bad days involve depression and wallowing.

So, those of you who are still willing to work with me, where do I go from here?

[praying_in_GA]

Please don't tell me I have ran everyone off.....Should I start over fresh?

I am really bad at this and my head is in a haze. I need step by step help. I am sorry I have been so difficult and stupid. Please don't give up on me.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Rikki)))))

Start by thinking more of yourself.

You are not stupid, you are scared.

It's ok.

Really, right now, try not to DO anything. Be still. Very still. Be quiet. Don't try to overanalyze. Don' ttry to interpret every action. While you collect yourself, less is more.

HUGS!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

PIGA,

You haven't run me off; I was just hoping to let you "chill." Because make no mistake, "chill" is what you need to do.

I'd suggest a 5-day break from the boards -- now thru the weekend -- and come back Monday, fresh. Use the time for meditation, prayer, and go back and re-read everyone's prior advice to you on your thread(s).

I've recommended this before to people, and sometimes it can open up new revelations. You're emotionally all over the map right now, and you're not going to be much good at implementing anything anyone would tell you right now anyway.

Pray about it; maybe even FAST one of those days, if you're so inclined. Ask God to give you wisdom, understanding, discernment and -- most of all -- CLARITY.

Just a thought.

Puppy

[MrBond]

Puppy's right.

Take a deep breath and clear your head a bit.

It's easy to feel like a failure especially when your husband keeps battering you with that. We ALL had that happen to us. The key is to stop thinking of him as your H. Imagine him as a child throwing a temper tantrum, a loon from the insane asylum, whatever. When you interact with him, you have to be able to step back and see and listen to what he says without taking it personally.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You're just human like the rest of us. We all make mistakes. Your H is doing his fair share right now.

Build your self-esteem up. Concentrate on your kids. Don't think about "strategy" or a plan. Your first priority is to get yourself rooted first.

You're like a leaf in a riverbed getting swept up in the current. You feel that you have no control over what's going on around you and are being pushed and pulled every which way. You need to see yourself as the rock in the river. Let the current wash over you while you stay grounded in one place and STRONG!

You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself.

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, thanks guys. The leaf analogy is pretty darn accurate right now. I am going to finish DR tonight and start DB then re-read them if I need to. In the mean time I am going to just focus on me and the kids but continue to 180 the way I was interacting with him. I think I am going to go back to my yoga class and start my exercise routine again.

I will be back later. I might take the full 5 days off, or at least a little time off.

Thank you.

[praying_in_GA]

I know you told me to take a break but I need some advice. H inititated a discussion tonight. He said he changed his phone carrier totally. He is completely emotionly detached. He said that he needs to find someone who will accept him for his faults and is easy to talk to. He said I need to let him go. He said he has been avoiding talking to me or seeing me because he doesn't know who I am anymore. He said the person I have become after reading all of these books is not the person he knows. He told me he knows I want to blow up over something so why don't I just go ahead and do it.

He said he has been talking to my sister because she is easy to talk to and they are over the blow up that tore their friendship up. He asked me not to contest the divorce to please just let him file and sign the papers. He said he will wait to file because I asked but if I were to say it was ok he would go do it tomorrow. He is done he wants it over with.

He said the changes I am making are too late for him but he hopes I will make someone happy one day. I asked if he wanted to just separate for a while and see how things go while I take the time for myself. He said we could but it won't make a difference. He said it has been a long time coming. I asked him why he didn't sit me down and tell me. He said he couldn't believe I couldn't tell. He said he had stop sitting next to me and touching me. He said we were still having sex because I asked.

I told him I had to go (I am at work). He left me with no hope. I don't even feel like DR or DB will work for us. He is a strong man and when he sets his mind to something he very very rarely changes it.

Please someone reply. I am sittng in a corner at work crying. I think it is really over.

[TrentC]

He said he has been talking to my sister because she is easy to talk to and they are over the blow up that tore their friendship up.

I foresee "And then it just happened..." in your future.

This is why we were so frustrated by your conversation with your sister. You should have known that everything you said would be relayed to your husband, and probably not in the best light.

He asked me not to contest the divorce to please just let him file and sign the papers. He said he will wait to file because I asked but if I were to say it was ok he would go do it tomorrow. He is done he wants it over with.

[...]

I told him I had to go (I am at work). He left me with no hope. I don't even feel like DR or DB will work for us. He is a strong man and when he sets his mind to something he very very rarely changes it.

Please someone reply. I am sittng in a corner at work crying. I think it is really over.

Don't give him any answers about anything right now. Give yourself a day or two to think it over (and if he asks, that's what you tell him you are doing). And above all, don't sign anything before you are ready.

If he's already working on divorce papers, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer immediately. You need to protect yourself because despite what your H might say about "making this easy", divorce proceedings are painful and adversarial.

If he is not living in the house with you, then you "go dark" to him. You don't respond to any msgs or phone calls that don't involve interacting for the sake of the kids. If he wants to come over, you have plans. If he stops by unannounced, you were just getting ready to leave. (The same goes double for your sister.)

If he is living in the house with you, then he gets kicked to the curb. He can find a place to stay while things get worked out. (Hopefully, it won't be with your sister...)

Is this harsh? Yes, but consider where you are right now; on the verge of getting divorced. Nothing you do now can make it any worse.

[notagoodlistener]

Don't react to him. He's trying to push your buttons.

Puppy should charge money. Do what the dogs says.

I took breaks from this site because it would make me go deeper into a hole. The best thing for me at times were to just get out for awhile with some friends to try and decompress. It is emotionally, mentally and physically draining. I was a complete mess. My W said similar things. She said afterwards to me (just a few days ago) that she really thought it was over and that she had given up until something (a combination of things) turned her around and she came back to me. Obviously we still have a ton of work to do and it might not work out, but we are both trying now and I'm just happy to have the chance. I feel like a changed person because of it and unfortunately it took something that drastic to bring it on. You need to change for you and be resigned that it might take a long long time for him to see it.

Basically, I'm just saying to not lose hope. I'm impatient too but it could take a long time. Remember, try your best not to let what he says get to you (I know it's hard). He has too much control over you right now.