Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

Not much interaction with her today. I am out of town. She had S call me this morning and she texted me to have a good day. That was nice.

I called to tell S good night this evening and talked to her long enough to ask how she was and tell her g'night too. I sent her a message about a TV show that she liked being on, but not much chatting.

Every time I have started to detach, we start to get closer and my little shell fades away. It's hard to be detached from someone who has slept with me, hugged me, kissed me, told me she loves me (yep, that came out of her mouth in a weird way a few days ago...kind of a believe it or not, I still LY kind of thing) and wishes me a good day.

Now I am in a hotel room kind of lonely. In the past I would have called her and we would have stayed on the phone for most of the evening. We'd call back and forth and hear about eachother's day.

I want that relationship again. I guess the question is, can I have it with her?

[Deep]

Well, detaching from her actions and choices doesn't mean you can just shut off what you feel about her, given your shared history.

Draw the distinction. Yeah, it's hard. Whoever coulda guessed there would be so many hard knocks in that particular limbo land you're in now eh?

I do remember my W then (see, I had to consciously think about typing W or WAW, she was waffling around in the fog still then), texting me "I kinda miss you". Me - "kinda?". "Yeah, kinda". Like, WTH does that mean eh? It's probably a positive thing, but detach, detach, it'll be great if it is and she walks on that path, and it'll be ok if not.

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks Deep.

Always nice to hear from someone who made it.

[Energizer Bunny]

It's been a bit since I have checked in here.

I'm just tired. We've been living parallel lives. I've been getting out more, she has been home every night. Moving, reconsiling, none of it has come up in a while. W has come in and slept in our bed with me a couple of times over the recent weeks. There has been some affecction on and off. When I traveled last week, W kept coming up with reasons to text and call me. Nothing significant, just little superficial reasons.

When I got home last night, she made dinner and was open to a little affection. (a couple of kisses). I asked her if she had seen a movie that I heard about and she said that if I went and rented it, she would watch it with me. (You're all thinking good things right?) A little over 1/2 way through the movie, she asked me to stop the movie since we had to talk. She had gone out that day and signed paperwork on her new place. Huh? WTF?

...But wait...there's more... She said that I would have to sign on some of the paperwork. I'd have to sign something that said I would be taking financial responsibility for paying for our current assets otherwise she couldn't get financing.

I told her that I was not comfortable with that. She said she had already put ernest money down and would lose it. (well...that wasn't a good decision on her part in my opinion)She got upset and said she would have to rent then.

She went on about how she'll never feel like an equal partner with me if she stays. She made it sound as if she actually wanted things to work with us and that she sees going away as the medicine she needs to want to be here. I told her that I am sorry that we are here. She cried and apologized a lot. Not for any of the specific things that she has done over the past year, just for the situation.

I did tell her that I have tried very hard and have been very insulted by her actions. She said she has seen my changes and my effort, but still feels the way she feels. I asked her if I should still wear my ring. She wouldn't answer with anything other than she doesn't want me to be alone forever. That sparked me to ask if she would be OK seeing me with someone else. She said she wouldn't be OK with it, but understands that may happen.

She was falling apart just a little bit into the conversation. I wrapped my arms around her. She told me she didn't deserve my comfort. I told her that she was my wife and I wasn't going to leave her crying and alone.

I did tell her though that when she moves, we will not be a part of eachother's life anymore. We will interact on matters of our S only. I will see her when it's time to pick him up. I will not come to her place. I will help her move and then will not come to "her" place. She really didn't seem to like this and asked if that's how I really wanted things. I told her that's all I could handle.

I didn't cry. I didn't ask her to stay. I did tell her that I was sorry for things that have been said and done in the past, but I think they have been more than addressed. I agreed that more would have to be done and told her that I don't feel that moving out is the way to make things better.

She cried and told me she was sorry for "failing me" and that she felt like such a failure. It was hard to hear her say those things.

It was a lot longer conversation than just what I covered here. It was strange to hear some of her perspective of things that have happened over this time. So different than mine.

I am so tired.

[tristan]

I am sorry EB. Hang in there. I don't think you should sign those papers either. She is not making you an equal partner by putting substantial money down without asking if you would approve of your part. Seriously, could the 2 of you afford to keep both houses through a divorce? Just wondering.

[Super Girl]

(((EB)))

I agree with Tristan, don't sign.

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks for checking in guys. And for the hug.

In theory we could afford both places, but that's if we never spent money on anything else and never always made at least what we do right now.

No toys. No vacations. No dinners out...then we should be able to swing it. In theory.

[Energizer Bunny]

I emailed her to ask if she is OK this morning. She said she's emotional and having a hard time. She was appreciative and said I was too good to her.

She has said multiple times that I am too good for her or that I deserve better. That's so weird.

[tristan]

I emailed her to ask if she is OK this morning. She said she's emotional and having a hard time. She was appreciative and said I was too good to her.

She has said multiple times that I am too good for her or that I deserve better. That's so weird.

I heard similiar things a lot.

[Energizer Bunny]

She's just so messed up. It's hard to be angry with her. I feel bad for her.

She has talked about this need to leave since the beginning. I still think she needs to go before she will want to come back. She hasn't had that send of loss. It would be hard for her to swallow her pride to come back after she's gone though.