I don't have children so I realize you have different considerations than I did about exposing an affair. But one thing I can say with almost complete certainty is eventually the affair will expose itself.
I learned of my H's affair in March of 2008 and didn't mention a word about it to him until late July of 2008. For the record he did move out of our home in mid April of 2008.
I personally found it more powerful to let the affair expose itself but once again, I didn't have children to consider.
Behaviors change radically when one is having an affair and eventually it won't be so easy to hide from the masses hence the reason I am a strong advocate of letting the affair expose itself.
I knew because of my H's radical change in behavior but I also had full access to his bank and phone records. Plus, he had some "friends" that were not quite as loyal as he thought. The kicker was when my mom and step dad went to a party THREE house from where we all live and some of my H's co-workers where there (my H and I used to work at the same place) and my mom overheard them talking about my H and his girlfriend. It just so happened that the people hosting the party had a daughter that worked with my H and in casual conversation my mom mentioned her daughter used to work there too.
I also ran into his friend "J" at Walgreens on the same night my H was supposed to be watching a basketball game with "J".
It will come out if you it expose it or not. I personally feel its far more dramatic when it comes out in an organic fashion but that is just me. When you (you = generally speaking) expose an affair IMO it just adds to the drama.
