In shock...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, I am now on Chapter seven. Should I go ahead and read this chapter? It says I have been at this a while, and I am an utter failure so far.

I don't understand this post at all.

????

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, my 180s -
- Cut down on the contact. Only text or call when necessary. When we do communicate be friendly, happy, upbeat, have a smile in my voice.
- No R, M, or D words allowed in my vocabulary right now.
- Do not cry in front of him or allow him to know I have been crying.
- No "I love you" or "I miss you"
- Do not linger on the phone, be the one to have to go

Some questions:
-He wants to have a friendship again. Our relationship started off as friends in college. We hung out between classes, had lunch together, talked in class. He said he wants to get back to that time when we were happy to see each other and had a good time talking. How do I work that while applying the DB principles?
- At this point he has moved out and taken off his wedding rings. Is this the time when I am supposed to move the LR situation? I read on another thread that many people just jump there automatically but in my situation there is so little contact between us already. I don't know what to do.

So, this is where I have started. One of my early goals is him wanting to spend some time with us...not me, us. Right now he only spends time with the kids alone. He is very reluctant to do things that involve me.

Things we have discussed about the future are always as a separated couple. We have to move before my oldest starts school which will be Aug 2011. The school system we are in is not good. I have chosen an elementary school that is great and have started looking at the houses in that area. The house the kids and I living in is in his name only. He said he is going to list the house this spring after he opens the pool. I cannot prepare for the move until this one is sold. He is paying the bills here as if he lived her so we can continue to stay in the house. I could not afford it any other way. Should I look at the move as a single mother?

[praying_in_GA]

NAGL - yes, I have read your thread. I will take heed to your (and others) words and keep my eyes and ear open to the possibility. It is so hard to imagine though knowing him and her. It is such an unlikely pairing.

sdharrell - Thank you for your words. I will go read your thread momentarily.

My H says he doesn't love me and cannot see a way to get it back. THEN he said I could have turned it around anytime I wanted to but I waited to long so it is gone. THEN he said IF it were to turn around it would take a long time. When I asked what he would do if he found himself wanting to be with me again, his response was "well, you will have probably moved on by then and I will realize what I lost".

Maybe that last sentence was a subconscious push to follow the DB/DR way of life? LOL!

I have only read DR 80% of it. It is so much easier to do computer related things while caring for the kids than read a book. I feel like I was in a fog and don't remember a thing I read. I will read more tonight at work and move to DB.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Rikki)))))

I feel panic in your writing. You don't need to do that. No matter what things look like, or what he is saying, time can be your friend. Right now, I think the best thing that you can do, other than reading, is nothing! You need to get your feet under you. You need to get your goals clear in your mind. You need to get your thoughts centered on you. Give yourself a chance to breathe a bit. Taking a few days to take stock isn't going to ruin anything.

[praying_in_GA]

I tend to panic and move too fast and over analyze and talk a lot.....

[sandi2]

So, is this some of that temper? Look Rikki, I didn't say what I did to see how angry I could make you b/c frankly, I can find other things to do. But, you took what Puppy said just find, didn't you? Was your temper tantrum over or was it b/c he was talking like you were some fragile little creature. Well, I won't b/c I know better! You need to put your big girl panties on and start getting some spunk and show your children that you are not finished living! Stop acting as if you are the only one who has ever gone through this. Be a role model for those kids and show them what it takes to be a winner when a S walks out. Make up your mind to do what DB teaches and get to work. If you only want to hear board members have sympathy for you and send you hugs, then just say so. I have decided that it is best that I move on to somebody who wants to be told when they royally screw up. If you want people to look at your stitch unbiased--and perhaps see something you can't see b/c of your pain.....then you need to expect to hear something beside what you call "postive". You will need to learn to take a 2x4 at times b/c they are seen around the board on many posts. It doesn't mean that you are being "attacked" but that you are being talked to like a grown-up!

I think we just saw a little picture of a big problem and you need to do something about it before your children are affected.

I hope the best for you,
Sandi

[Awoken]

I tend to panic and move too fast and over analyze and talk a lot.....

Rikki,
I've been watching your thread from the start. I got the bomb on the same day as you.

I feel just like what you said: I'm in a state panic, move too fast, over analyze everything, talk a lot. The stuff with your sister was eye-opening for me and I really had to reconsider who I've been talking to.

I'm glad you are posting here and very sorry for your sitch

[praying_in_GA]

Sandi - If you are even still reading my stitch.....I am sorry you have decided to give up on me. Your reply was the first thing I read this morning after a long night. Yes, I was angry. I was angry because I was told that I screwed up. I feel like that is all anyone is telling me anymore. It hurts. It hurts to be told every action I take everything I have done since he walked out has been wrong. It takes away my positive outlook and replaces it with dark clouds. I would love to have your help. I do not want to push anyone on this board away. I need help....obviously.

[Super Girl]

Being told we're screwing up is how we learn.

[TrentC]

I was angry because I was told that I screwed up. I feel like that is all anyone is telling me anymore. It hurts. It hurts to be told every action I take everything I have done since he walked out has been wrong.

Read some other peoples' threads on this forum. Everyone here has made mistakes in trying to save their relationships, and everyone is in pain in some way or another. You are not alone here.

We are hard on you because we want you to stop hurting and stop making mistakes. Many of us are speaking from experience -- my speech to my dad was the first time I have ever had to tell him he was out of line.

But trying to turn this into a pity party for yourself is not attractive. Not to us, and not to your husband.