Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

My W and I went to a MC shortly after the separation.

Counselor: “W, how do you feel about the marriage?”

W: “I’m done”

Counselor: “Well, Norm, W seems to be done. I think we should move on to the next step.”

Whaaaaat???? It was a freakin’ disaster!!

That's actually very good advice. You have to detach enough to see it. I had the same thing happen to me and my initial reaction was the same. I went back to the same counselor alone and saw the wisdom in it later. The MC isn't going to change someones mind. The LBS has to get to the same point of detachment - "I'm done." Now your dead and can function like you need to.

So, is there no point in MC if the WAS says I'm done? Says my feelings won't ever change?

Would one point of MC be simply getting the WAS to think, not change their mind, but think about their feelings, what the future looks like, and whether the issues in the M are fatal or not?

[Coach]

Would one point of MC be simply getting the WAS to think

the WAS says I'm done

think about their feelings, what the future looks like

my feelings won't ever change

whether the issues in the M are fatal or not

I'm done

Ever try and confront someone and get them to defend a negative position. A position you know is problematic for them. Agree with them and see what happens. She is just saying what she is feeling at the time.

"You're right you are done. Your feelings will never change. I have decided that it's in my and the family's best interests then that we get this divorce over as soon as possible."

Let her off the hook from having to defend her position, that's a no-win situation. Decide for yourself and watch her change her tune. Because now as a WAS remember, believe nothing of what you say. You are in a fog. That's why a WAS won't get you out of limboland. Flip the roles. Emotion is your friend.

[Kemper]

"You're right you are done. Your feelings will never change. I have decided that it's in my and the family's best interests then that we get this divorce over as soon as possible."

Coach,

I just want to be sure that I am reading this correctly. I have a MC session this Friday and really don't have anything I want or need to talk about. However, your statement above is how I have been feeling lately and I wanted to make sure you were being serious in your comment. I am currently at the point where your quote is exactly what I feel like saying to my W. I am sure her comments in MC will be along those lines as they have been for many sessions. I am not concerned with getting divorced as I once was and just wanted to make sure I was reading the intent of what you were saying correctly.

Sorry for the hijack GIMA.

[Coach]

Yes, I am serious but you have to be as well. Love her enougth to let her go if she is not happy with you. How's that MC going trying to change your wife's mind? Your wife knows she has control over you as long as you are fighting for the marriage. Drop the rope stop fighting her and agree with her. What's the worst that will happen? She might divorce you????

[iwantittowork]

Coach's words ring true.

I went through months of MC, but not in the correct mindset, and watched, basically, as MC just validated my STBXW's mind that 'she was done'

Those exact words were spoken after our last MC meeting...

I believe that what coach saying about agreeing with her, will allow her to remove the pressure she has on herself about that, and any guilt, and possibly allow other thoughts in there place. Possibly.

Kind of just rambling, as my sitch didn't work out as I wanted, but hope you can do better than I did!

[Kemper]

Thanks for the responses this really helped me clarify my position and validated what I wanted to do.

[givingitmyall]

Coach,

I ahave dropped the rope before she changed her mind on MC. So, I now find myself where she says she will go to MC but I have dropped the rope. If we can save the M, great, I still want to. If not, I'm ok with that.

So, now that I find myself here, how to proceed? With a willingness to work on the M but with full acceptance that I am already dead?

[Coach]

So go to MC but if she starts talking about being done then be on it like a chicken on junebug. I don't mean be springloaded at the first sign of pushback to press the issue. Just don't waste more energy, time, money, and effort on a cheeseless tunnel. Have a exit strategy in mind.

[givingitmyall]

So go to MC but if she starts talking about being done then be on it like a chicken on junebug. I don't mean be springloaded at the first sign of pushback to press the issue. Just don't waste more energy, time, money, and effort on a cheeseless tunnel. Have a exit strategy in mind.

OK, I'm with you. This intrigues me:

Let her off the hook from having to defend her position, that's a no-win situation. Decide for yourself and watch her change her tune. Because now as a WAS remember, believe nothing of what you say. You are in a fog. That's why a WAS won't get you out of limboland. Flip the roles. Emotion is your friend.

Why would this have any affect on WAS? I am not doubting you, I just want to know why.

Is it having to confront reality? Is it the making WAS curious as to why you suddenly stopped wanting the M?

[Coach]

You have a standing golf outing with your buddy. You are fighting a cold, you have alot going on at work, your kids want to spend more time with you and you have some things your really want to get done around the house. You love golf but aren't really in love with golf anymore. You know he really wants to play and is looking forward to getting a round in. But try as you might your heart isn't in it, your feelings will never change. You let him know you want to cancel the standing gig.

He asks why, he starts wearing different shirts, he quits drinking on the golf course, he even wants you to go to see the golf pro for some lessons (maybe you'll learn to love golf again.) You have alot invested in golf - clubs, CC membership, cart w/cover and attire. Plus all the great memories. But you are not moved, it all sounds good but you are still done, there's just no spark. It's not effortless, the passion is gone.

So your buddy says," OK, I hear you. You don't like golf anymore, that's cool with me. We'll I'm going to keep playing but find a new partner." Because he loves himself enougth to keep doing something he loves to do.

Doesn't matter if you get curious or confront reality. Not your buddies job after he asked more than once. A true friend will let you off the hook and not bother you. He will make his choice and you will make yours.