So, the last few days and the ones to come until I feel some kind of renewed energy, I am just going to get some rest, as much as I can get while still keeping up my responsibilities, and then work on filling my buckets so I can start to get back to myself, the me that I enjoy spending time with. And then start recognizing what I need daily instead of letting myself get to this place of mental and physical exhaustion. I don't like it and refuse to let it become part of any cycle in my life.
Just beware. That beast wants to recycle and come back. My challenge always seems to be finding it rearing its ugly head earlier and earlier so I can stop it before it gets goin' again (ain't doing such a good job of it myself, though lately!)
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Yes, that ugly beast has been visiting me all too often the last couple of years actually. I went on antidepressants a couple of years ago for about a year or a little more.
I am so much stronger now than I was then, but I still have to decide for sure what the right thing to do is- either stick it out longer for the kids, or end it. Truth is, I am just trying to figure out what is best for them, their parents living in the same house and continuing to do things as a family even though it is obvious that H and I do not have a loving R, or separating and shuttling them back and forth between homes because I am so unhappy that I don't want to do this anymore. Just admitting the latter makes me feel selfish.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
bim,[quote=brownidmom] [quote=brownidmom]By the way. I hear "filling my buckets" often on this forum and I think I can figure out what it means. But I might as well ask and be sure. What does it mean? Keep going.
I think for most people here, it means filling your LOVE BUCKETS, whatever you need to have- touching, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service- in order to feel loved and comfortable with giving love. What I mean by filling my buckets at this point in time means to be comfortable with myself and my boys and my place in my M, not happy about it, or okay with it, but being okay with my decision to remain where I am right now until I decide for sure which road I will take.
I want to take the high road and hope to be able to do so no matter which decision I go with. I just want to be sure that I am doing what is in my kids' best interest. There isn't anything I won't do for them, regardless of the cost I have to pay for it. I just need to be sure I can not only live with my decision, but justify it to myself now and to my boys later. And KNOW it was the right thing to do.
I haven't been DBing like everyone else here because right now, I am not so sure that is what I want to do. I have gone as dark as possible over the last week. We sleep in different rooms and only talk about the boys and only when necessary. I am not rude by any means, but there is no room for small talk in our M right now. I am not getting ANY of what I need and I am not giving anything in return. What I DO WANT is for the madness to end. I do not want to feel "less than" what I am and allow myself to believe that I don't deserve more. I DO DESERVE to be trusted and appreciated. I DESERVE to love and be loved. AND I WILL, whether it be my H at some point in the future or someone else that is meant to come into my life somewhere down the road.
How do you know when it's the right thing to do vs. fear? Some experienced and wise folk are needed here ASAP!!! Thanks in advance
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
First, the "love bucket/bank" concept comes from "His Needs, Her Needs," which I need to go back and re-read. And the concept is in a M, each partner has a love bank/tank. A partner increases or decreases the other partner's bank/tank by their actions/words. Good actions = deposits and bad action = withdrawals. When a person's love bank/tank is zero or overdrawn, watch out - trouble. A person can fill their own tank/bank by doing things for themselves that brings them happiness. That's different for everyone. But, the point is, while your spouse has checked out and is not filling your tank/bank, you need to do that for yourself or you will end up unhappy, bitter, and angry. The book is great, and I think it is one that should be in your collection.
BIM, in answer to your question, you will know when it's time to act. There really isn't a better answer IMO. Throughout this process, I have learned that we (LBS's) have to be the strong one in the M. And that means we have to do the work for both us and out spouses.
For me, the question has always been whether I can honestly tell my children (when they are old enough) I did everything I could to keep the family together. Until I can tell them yes, I keep DB'ing.
First, the "love bucket/bank" concept comes from "His Needs, Her Needs," which I need to go back and re-read. And the concept is in a M, each partner has a love bank/tank. A partner increases or decreases the other partner's bank/tank by their actions/words. Good actions = deposits and bad action = withdrawals. When a person's love bank/tank is zero or overdrawn, watch out - trouble. A person can fill their own tank/bank by doing things for themselves that brings them happiness. That's different for everyone. But, the point is, while your spouse has checked out and is not filling your tank/bank, you need to do that for yourself or you will end up unhappy, bitter, and angry. The book is great, and I think it is one that should be in your collection.
BIM, in answer to your question, you will know when it's time to act. There really isn't a better answer IMO. Throughout this process, I have learned that we (LBS's) have to be the strong one in the M. And that means we have to do the work for both us and out spouses.
For me, the question has always been whether I can honestly tell my children (when they are old enough) I did everything I could to keep the family together. Until I can tell them yes, I keep DB'ing.
Thanks for the explanation, GIMA. Think maybe both Gardener and I need to get to work to fill ours!!!
Yep, you got it right. I want my kids to know I have done everything I could do to honor my vows, for better or for worse.
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
No work or school today. S9 comes into my room this morning for a hug and lays on the bed with me for a little while as I am flipping through channels. (Both my boys love to cuddle and I am happy to oblige!!!) We were chatting and I told him that I promise I will do everything I can to to make him and his brother happy. Then he tells me that H told them in the car this week that he is still in the house because of the two of them and that as long as they are alive and live with me, he will too.
While it's good that H wants to be there for the boys and I never had a doubt about that, isn't this continuing to cross the boundary that I thought I had set a couple of months ago that we live our boys out of our R talks. To me, this is H saying "I no longer want to be with your mom, but I'll stick around for you."
Maybe I am being too sensitive. I just want to navigate this sitch with my boys as best as possible. If he is telling them he doesn't want to be with me, is it wrong for me to stay in this sitch and teach them that it is ok to be married and not have a healthy relationship? My parents have been married for 40 years, his divorced when he was 5. I don't want to teach dysfuntion.
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
Wanted to check in. You sound so much better hon! Great job on ur boundaries. We all have moments tho, and yea, its hard as hell some days. Being intimately familiar with going dark, It IS DBing. You're doing a great job.
bim, Thank you for your reply to my recent weird sitch bomb. I have been following your sitch only for a short time. Don';y ask me why, but tonight I spent over an hour reading it all. Hate me or love me I am going to recap all you've said (B) with only a few comments of my own (G). Ready, my friend?
B-He has never let you forget te fact that at 19 you had sex with a boy before you even met your future husband B-You (wrongly) kissed a man once 7 years ago and he will never let you forget that G-This is abuse! B-H thinks you, his wife, are a liar B-H wouln't have married you if he knew you had slept with another man - a boy - before you met him B-H had sex with someone while you were married B-H acts like he knows I'm doing something/somebody G-This is sick, insecure, controlling jealosy B-You love him with all your heart. G-Love what? A memory? B-I did nothing wrong! B-He makes me feel safe (WTF?) B-Our family doctor who knows us both says "he will just keep chipping away at the very essence of you" G-Do you want your kids growing up witnessing that (learning what a "man does"?) Witnessing what a woman does to a woman and children, (i.e., let him do these things to them/? you?) B -He doesn't yell or scream G- One doesn't have to yell or scream to be an abusing, controlling pr!ck B- H has not opened himself up to the possibility of reconciliation and never will B- S6 knows H is mean to me B-S6 says something is wrong with his father for not believing you B-H gave S4 nightmares with his words and behavior B-H tells kids in car Most women offer nothing especially your mother B-How do I tell H to leave S's out of it G-You can't he won't he should know and do so on his own B-H won't let you take your (hurting) boys for counseling B-Son is very protective of you because he is observant and knows his father is mean B-H is heartless B-H told S he will be punished if he tells mom what H says about her B- I love him G- Love what? B- I cannot allow him to disrespect us like this G-This is not disrespect. This is abusing you and terrorizing your boys B-H will respect no boundary G-Of course not he is boundaryless himself B-H bullies me in front of my own sons B-H turns my sons against me B-H is a master of mind games B-H can spend an entire weekend barely speaking 15 words to me G-Isn't that great for your sons? And you? B-H is consumed with me being a liar B-I took vows: Love honor cherish obey. I believe in that G-The two of you took MUTUAL VOWS to MUTUALLY love, honor cherish, etc. If only one is honoring the vows, there is no marriage and therefore no marriage to save B-H is consumed with him being right B-I'm afraid to speak my mind B-H said I was not invited to wedding when invitation was to Mr. & Mrs. His response? You're NOT invited B- H tells me last minute he's making an (almost) all-week trip out of it B-H will not tell me results of his health tests B-H was abandoned so he won't abandon his boys. G-Physical abandonment isn't the only kind of abandonment B-H is a loyal father G-and the evidence and proof of this is? B-H tells sons "Mommy lies" N-H had paternity tests performed while I was out of town B-H won't go for IC, even though he's a Social Worker (Or has Social Worker degree) B-He accused me of sleeping with his brother because he dreamed it B- Then he said, well if it wasn't my brother, then you slept with my cousin B-His actions and inactions are killing me B-And this is magnified by the boys witnessing it B-Boundaries mean nothing to him (again) B-He decided yesterday he still won't leave boys out of R discussions B- I fell down the stairs and he heard me but ignored me
Sorry, to do this, bim, but these are weeks of your own words. We sometimes suggest on this forum that we go back and read our own posts and sitches and pretend they are someone else's. What would we think? What would we advise? I got started catching up on your sitch and couldn't stop, I was so appalled for you.
What little improvement you may have seen lately is crumbs. I believe your boys would be far better off without him. They probably do, too.
You should consult an attorney pronto. First order of business is that attorney getting your boys into counseling over your h's protestations. Then learn your rights and options.
You should probably be a WAW. No, on second thought, don't do that, get advice from the attorney on how to kick his ass to the curb!
One, BIG, FAT, EYE-OPENING (hopefully) 2x4 for you. Lovingly lobbed at your good, sweet head. Last night, all you people lovingly made my appalling sitch your joint project. Tonight, somehow, your sitch became my loving project. ((((bim))))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
BIM, I too took the time to read your entire thread today. These are my thoughts (please bear with me):
About your H:
You constantly lied to him for 20 years. For him to constantly and persistently ask you about the OM during your relationship. This means that he either suspected something or someone told him about the event. That's 20 years that you swore left, right and center you had told him the truth. You were very convincing during this time. When you finally came clean it caused him to question and doubt EVERYTHING you have ever said.
His trust was shattered. He views the history you've shared together built on the foundation of lies.
However:
This DOES NOT excuse him stepping out of the marriage and having an affair of his own. No matter how he tries to justify it to himself.
About his behavior: What Gardener has written is spot on.
You are allowing yourself to be abused, punished, terrorized and victimized because of your guilt. You say you will remain in this marriage for the good of your boys. Its time for you to question how "good" this is for your boys. They are being raised in a toxic environment where there father is teaching them to disrespect, abuse and victimize women. They are being taught that this is what it means to "love your wife". This is the example that is being set for them.
It's been said (by you too I believe) that one is judged by their actions and not so much their words. Please LOOK at your husbands actions and SEE what your children are being taught. The way he is behaving is going to affect their own relationships later on in life.
When the time comes, and you are ready for it, an option is to sit down with your H and talk. This is a last resort... and the conversation should go along these lines, "H, I realize that I hurt you throughout the relationship by not telling you the truth. I accept the responsibility for that. What you should also realize is that I am not the only betrayed party. YOU cheated on ME where I have NEVER cheated on you. It's time for you to own that too. I am at my wit's end here cannot continue living like this and watching you destroy our children with you emotional and mental abuse. Either we both take steps forward to reconcile our relationship or we go our separate ways. The only way I know how to finally prove to you that I have not lied about anything else in our marriage is to take a polygraph test. I am willing to do that for you. However, that does not give you a "get out of jail free" card. You're going to have to put something in too - and that means counseling. The choice is yours: Either tear this family apart or work on repairing the damage. I have nothing more to say. You have one week to come to a decision. If you do not come back to me with an answer then I will take this as a 'no' and will proceed accordingly."
Let me repeat, the conversation in quotes is your last resort and you should be FULLY prepared to follow through with your decision. It's not guaranteed to work BIM but it may be worth a shot. You cannot continue like this. It is destroying you and your children. Also, before you do this conversation, make sure you have had legal counsel and are aware of your rights.
Filing for D is not the end of the world. Look at all the WAW's here... their H's only woke up when they saw that WAW was serious and committed to leaving.
I sincerely wish the best for you.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
